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This past weekend, I got to Kenosha to visit my parents on Sunday. I also got together in person with my undergrad advisor. I was deeply anxious and nervous about seeing her again. We've been in contact on Facebook and she's been really supportive and encouraging of me, but I have such strong feelings of shame and failure about Syracuse, and she was so important in encouraging me to go and telling me how much she believed in me and writing a wonderful recommendation letter. I felt really bad about myself whenever I let myself think about she and other faculty at Parkside who were so proud of me and believed so strongly in me.
I was going to go over to her place, but she suggested coming over to my parents' house and seeing everybody (they'd met her before). I'm glad she did. Being there and having my parents around helped make the experience more manageable. I still couldn't bring myself to answer the door when she got there; my parents did that. And as people made conversation about caught up, I kept looking down at the floor or playing with the dog. Finally, I started feeling more ok about being a part of the talking. When the topic connected, I told her about my feelings around Syracuse and how much I was worried I'd disappointed her and how ashamed I felt. She was nothing but encouraging, and reminded me again of how much I'd helped her too. That she hadn't realized how much anxiety was affecting her life until she saw my struggles with it. That She cares about me and I haven't disappointed her and she'd really like to talk more. That she'd like me to be a part of continuing work on, and talks on, Pike Creek if I'm interested.
I don't feel completely better; I have no idea how to make that happen. But I feel a lot better. And I'm going to plan to get together with her again when I'm in Kenosha, maybe at her place, to have a deeper conversation. She and I are both motivated by making society a better place. She's had a lot more experience than I have, and she has not given up. She believes in the ability to make a difference. I think talking to her specifically about what she thinks we, as people, can do, will help me. Plus I just really like her and miss her. Now that I'm not feeling nearly so ashamed and scared about seeing her, I'd really like to see her!
I was going to go over to her place, but she suggested coming over to my parents' house and seeing everybody (they'd met her before). I'm glad she did. Being there and having my parents around helped make the experience more manageable. I still couldn't bring myself to answer the door when she got there; my parents did that. And as people made conversation about caught up, I kept looking down at the floor or playing with the dog. Finally, I started feeling more ok about being a part of the talking. When the topic connected, I told her about my feelings around Syracuse and how much I was worried I'd disappointed her and how ashamed I felt. She was nothing but encouraging, and reminded me again of how much I'd helped her too. That she hadn't realized how much anxiety was affecting her life until she saw my struggles with it. That She cares about me and I haven't disappointed her and she'd really like to talk more. That she'd like me to be a part of continuing work on, and talks on, Pike Creek if I'm interested.
I don't feel completely better; I have no idea how to make that happen. But I feel a lot better. And I'm going to plan to get together with her again when I'm in Kenosha, maybe at her place, to have a deeper conversation. She and I are both motivated by making society a better place. She's had a lot more experience than I have, and she has not given up. She believes in the ability to make a difference. I think talking to her specifically about what she thinks we, as people, can do, will help me. Plus I just really like her and miss her. Now that I'm not feeling nearly so ashamed and scared about seeing her, I'd really like to see her!