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The week, I realized only in retrospect, has been a difficult one. I've been experiencing depression symptoms for a while. Little to no motivation to do anything. Tasks feeling overwhelming. No interest in going out for bike rides, which is really odd for me. And eating lots of chocolate and other food. Talking to the therapist yesterday helped cement an understanding of what's in my head.
I'd finally decided, yesterday morning before the session, that the depression was related to having euthanized King. For the first couple days, I didn't make that connection, as intuitive as the connection seems. I was telling myself that it didn't make sense. That it wasn't my cat, that we did the right thing, that it wasn't fair for me to be as upset as I was, and that I had things to do. (There's a clear theme through most of what I've talked about in therapy of me continually prioritizing what other people want and need over what I want and need. I deeply feel like everyone except me should get a lot of leeway and understanding of their thoughts and actions because I'm not in a position where I can really understand the background behind them. Not so with me; I'm the only person I can truly and fairly judge, and boy do I.) So I 'rationally' decided that it was probably just a random sort of depression. Yeah, I don't make good decisions about my emotions sometimes.
The therapist had a new-to-me technique to get at some of my thoughts through fewer layers of filters. She asked to talk specifically to the part of me that pushes me hard to ignore my feelings, referring to 'Chris' in the third person. She asked me to name that part of me, which I called Responsibility. Responsibility knows that I will not always live in this kind of protected situation that I'm in with Danae. Someday I will need to deal with the real world again, at which point I will not have the luxury of taking time off from tasks to process feelings. Other people have it much harder than I do and still manage to work two or three jobs, or otherwise meet their responsibilities. What gives me the right not to? Responsibility is clearly conscious of a fundamental and traumatic failure to cope with Syracuse and is very worried about something like that happening again.
"Could Responsibility try to be a little patient with Chris?" she asked. Give him time to process feelings like grief or depression or anxiety? Maybe. But only if it's a part of strengthening his ability to process those feelings more quickly in the future and without disruption, and only if his partner is ok with him failing, on occasion, to meet the obligations he has to her.
It was a really beneficial session that gave me things to think about, and to talk with Danae about. Not today though; she's getting a tooth extracted and I want her to spend today recovering and not stressing over deep thoughts while dealing with mouth pain. That's not fun. I was also able to better accept that I do in fact feel a lot of grief over King, and that it's ok to feel that way because he was a big part of my life and I miss him deeply. And that acceptance has, I think, helped me get a handle on my mental state in general. Except for the fact that I'm up several hours early after getting up to use the bathroom and not being able to sleep, I feel pretty good this morning. Life and tasks seem doable.
I'd finally decided, yesterday morning before the session, that the depression was related to having euthanized King. For the first couple days, I didn't make that connection, as intuitive as the connection seems. I was telling myself that it didn't make sense. That it wasn't my cat, that we did the right thing, that it wasn't fair for me to be as upset as I was, and that I had things to do. (There's a clear theme through most of what I've talked about in therapy of me continually prioritizing what other people want and need over what I want and need. I deeply feel like everyone except me should get a lot of leeway and understanding of their thoughts and actions because I'm not in a position where I can really understand the background behind them. Not so with me; I'm the only person I can truly and fairly judge, and boy do I.) So I 'rationally' decided that it was probably just a random sort of depression. Yeah, I don't make good decisions about my emotions sometimes.
The therapist had a new-to-me technique to get at some of my thoughts through fewer layers of filters. She asked to talk specifically to the part of me that pushes me hard to ignore my feelings, referring to 'Chris' in the third person. She asked me to name that part of me, which I called Responsibility. Responsibility knows that I will not always live in this kind of protected situation that I'm in with Danae. Someday I will need to deal with the real world again, at which point I will not have the luxury of taking time off from tasks to process feelings. Other people have it much harder than I do and still manage to work two or three jobs, or otherwise meet their responsibilities. What gives me the right not to? Responsibility is clearly conscious of a fundamental and traumatic failure to cope with Syracuse and is very worried about something like that happening again.
"Could Responsibility try to be a little patient with Chris?" she asked. Give him time to process feelings like grief or depression or anxiety? Maybe. But only if it's a part of strengthening his ability to process those feelings more quickly in the future and without disruption, and only if his partner is ok with him failing, on occasion, to meet the obligations he has to her.
It was a really beneficial session that gave me things to think about, and to talk with Danae about. Not today though; she's getting a tooth extracted and I want her to spend today recovering and not stressing over deep thoughts while dealing with mouth pain. That's not fun. I was also able to better accept that I do in fact feel a lot of grief over King, and that it's ok to feel that way because he was a big part of my life and I miss him deeply. And that acceptance has, I think, helped me get a handle on my mental state in general. Except for the fact that I'm up several hours early after getting up to use the bathroom and not being able to sleep, I feel pretty good this morning. Life and tasks seem doable.
