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Exploring motivation and emotion
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my experiences and feelings to date regarding relationships, dating, and play. As I've written about before, they are areas that I'd really like to expand my experiences within. I've been putting off serious exploration of such things for years, with various distractions and responsibilities. I'm finally in a reprieve from those distractions and responsibilities. Still, this does not seem to be a good time for that exploration.
It's really hard for me to say no to people. Especially people who I feel any personal connection to. This has put me in situations where I endangered myself in real and significant ways, emotionally and physically, rather than say no. Beyond that, I feel very strong obligation to make people happy, even at the expense of significant time and effort, or in ways that are contrary to my own feelings once I figure out what they are, usually at some later time. It also means that I very rarely, if ever, feel confident in asking for things that I want from a relationship, or an individual experience. Sometimes I can't do it at all.
I also have a hard time figuring out how I feel about people and situations. If someone expresses an interest in me, I typically have never really given a thought to how I feel about them in that context. Evaluating such things is a complicated and time-consuming process for me, but I feel on the spot to respond right away. So I instinctively respond in a positive, and perhaps encouraging, way. I don't want them to feel bad, and my need to not make someone else feel bad becomes my most powerful motivation at that point. Other stuff, I work out later.
It also seems like I have a pattern of rationally constructing a model of how I should behave, and of what kind of relationships and experiences I would like to have. Then I disregard, or subconsciously/deliberately misinterpret, emotional states that are contrary to that model. That has led me to decide to do things that I told myself that I should rationally want to do, even when I felt very uncomfortable about them emotionally.
All of those things together suggest that seeking new romantic partners or play partners is more problematic and more potentially dangerous for me than it is for most people. (Because let's face it; these things are always potentially problematic and dangerous.) Danae has said that, given my need and obligation to please people I know, it might even be safer for me to play with strangers than with friends. I think I agree, which feels really strange for me to say since I don't really care for the idea of playing with strangers. And even with strangers, I don't trust myself to stand up for myself in ways I might need to to keep from feeling used or objectified.
I have strong motivation to figure this stuff out for myself. It seems like most of my adult life that I've wanted to be a part of these communities, and I sometimes wonder whether I ever will. Its frustrating and sad. But I don't think I can do it in a safe way at present.
I also think that a lot of this is connected to some difficulties in making decisions that I have in a lot of areas of life. That it is potentially a factor in my choice of masters program, for instance. I've said for a while that I may have made that choice more out of obligation than personal preference, and I have some interesting ideas now about where that obligation might have come from, at least in part.
But that's another post.
So that's some of the stuff I'm going to work on in therapy.
I'm fortunate in having a wonderful partner who is loving and supportive through all of this. As I've told her, there is no one I would rather be monogamous-by-circumstance with!
It's really hard for me to say no to people. Especially people who I feel any personal connection to. This has put me in situations where I endangered myself in real and significant ways, emotionally and physically, rather than say no. Beyond that, I feel very strong obligation to make people happy, even at the expense of significant time and effort, or in ways that are contrary to my own feelings once I figure out what they are, usually at some later time. It also means that I very rarely, if ever, feel confident in asking for things that I want from a relationship, or an individual experience. Sometimes I can't do it at all.
I also have a hard time figuring out how I feel about people and situations. If someone expresses an interest in me, I typically have never really given a thought to how I feel about them in that context. Evaluating such things is a complicated and time-consuming process for me, but I feel on the spot to respond right away. So I instinctively respond in a positive, and perhaps encouraging, way. I don't want them to feel bad, and my need to not make someone else feel bad becomes my most powerful motivation at that point. Other stuff, I work out later.
It also seems like I have a pattern of rationally constructing a model of how I should behave, and of what kind of relationships and experiences I would like to have. Then I disregard, or subconsciously/deliberately misinterpret, emotional states that are contrary to that model. That has led me to decide to do things that I told myself that I should rationally want to do, even when I felt very uncomfortable about them emotionally.
All of those things together suggest that seeking new romantic partners or play partners is more problematic and more potentially dangerous for me than it is for most people. (Because let's face it; these things are always potentially problematic and dangerous.) Danae has said that, given my need and obligation to please people I know, it might even be safer for me to play with strangers than with friends. I think I agree, which feels really strange for me to say since I don't really care for the idea of playing with strangers. And even with strangers, I don't trust myself to stand up for myself in ways I might need to to keep from feeling used or objectified.
I have strong motivation to figure this stuff out for myself. It seems like most of my adult life that I've wanted to be a part of these communities, and I sometimes wonder whether I ever will. Its frustrating and sad. But I don't think I can do it in a safe way at present.
I also think that a lot of this is connected to some difficulties in making decisions that I have in a lot of areas of life. That it is potentially a factor in my choice of masters program, for instance. I've said for a while that I may have made that choice more out of obligation than personal preference, and I have some interesting ideas now about where that obligation might have come from, at least in part.
But that's another post.
So that's some of the stuff I'm going to work on in therapy.
I'm fortunate in having a wonderful partner who is loving and supportive through all of this. As I've told her, there is no one I would rather be monogamous-by-circumstance with!