MeghanIsMe

I did find a transfem Discord server to join, and though I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by all the people there, I'm hoping I can connect with folks.

I also spent a little time looking at the T4T subreddit and found a wider range of ages. I just posted a personal there: here's what I wrote

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43 TF4T - Regina, SK: poly, geeky, kinky transgirl looking for cuddles, FWBs, or partners

Hi! I'm a librarian/archivist who's been on HRT for about 1.5 years and out for most of that time.

I spent most of my life terrified of other people and not really knowing how to relate to them as a boy. Turns out that's 'cause I'm not a boy! 😸 I've been around fan/alt culture my whole life - my parents met at a D&D game - and have wanted for a very long time to be involved in the dating and kink scenes that many of the people I knew were, but I couldn't seem to figure out how to do it. I used to think it was because of neurodivergence (I'm a self-diagnosed autistic person), but turns out there was a lot more.

Now that I've realized I'm a girl I think I'm going to be much better at it, and honestly I'd like to make up for lost time.

I have two roadblocks right now. First, I'm kind of out of the way up here in Regina. Second, my nesting partner has chronic health problems and is extra vulnerable to Covid complications, so I need to be much more careful about Covid exposure. That is for sure something that can be worked around for in-person meet ups, but it makes it hard to be part of the social scene. This need to keep somewhat isolated while simultaneously wanting, for the first time in my life, to go out and meet people and date as who I really am, sucks. It sucks a lot.

But I'm hoping I can find ways to meet people that work for me. Maybe this is one of those ways?

Some quick info about me: I'm a geek who used to work in IT, and I love sci-fi/fantasy stuff. I'm a big board gamer and have a bunch of games I far too rarely get to use. I used to be more of a PC gamer than I am now and one of the silly things I'm proud of is getting every achievement in Factorio, which maybe tells you the kinds of things I like to play. Since transitioning, I've realized that I'm a lesbian (I'd thought I was bi for a long time) and have gotten into yuri manga and anime in a kind of embarassing squeeing teenage fangirl sort of way. 😻 I'm into bicycling (I was a year round bike commuter for years and want to ride my first brevet next year), photographing cool old buildings, photographing roadside tourist kitsch (ROADTRIPS!), cuddles (I miss cuddle parties), and bunches of other stuff. I love learning about new things, too: If you're excited about it, I love being the recipient of info dumps!

I'm down for cuddles and chatting with anybody, and honestly one of the things I want *most* in my life right now is people to get comfy on a couch or bed with and watch yuri. For playtime and kink, though, I'm almost exclusively interested in fem and non-binary folks. I could go on forever, and usually I write too much, so I'll stop there. If I sound interesting, please feel free to send me a message. I still get a bit nervous talking to new people, but I'd love to hear from you.

This past Wednesday, I told Dee that I really like them, I think they're a great person, I want to do more stuff together, but I don't want to have sex with them. It was really hard for me to do that and made me feel like a bad person. (This is not connected to my rational thoughts about the situation.) I still kind of feel like a bad person. We had a nice evening together regardless. We snuggled for a while and going to an art supply store.

In text yesterday, they asked whether this was for just right now, or for the foreseeable future. The short version of my answer (sent today because I couldn't figure out what to say before that) is that this is for the foreseeable future.

I don't know why I feel this way. I understand bits of it I guess, but not all of it together.

I talked with Danae about how I'm feeling in general. I'm so confused about where my head's at. I was so excited at first about having a play partner! I enjoyed sex with them. But then I didn't. I think part of it is me being bad at expressing what I want combined with us both being basically subs/bottoms. But there's more, and not all sex has to be about kink or power dynamics.

I know there's more because, right now, even the idea of of playing with other people, or being at play events, feels really scary. I'm on a Facebook list for a kinky social group that a friend (who I was sort-of-but-not-really dating [because, appropriately enough, I didn't know how to express what I wanted with] the summer before Syracuse) organizes. They are planning a play-party, and there is discussion happening about it.

It would be the first such event I've been to at a private home. People are talking about various toys they will be bringing. There will be needles, rope, floggers, a fuck-saw (penetrative toys mountable on a Sawzall) and maybe other stuff. I've wanted to feel welcome at an event like that for *so* long.

Instead, I feel scared. Really scared. Knot-in-my-chest, cold chills scared.

I think some of it is tied to my experience with Dee. But I don't know how. And some if it is a feeling that I wouldn't belong and be welcome, which I've felt before Dee when there was discussion about such get-togethers with this group. And there's more fear whose source I don't have a grip on. Thinking about being there makes me want to be safe at home with my safe partner and my safe kitty playing safe games. It makes me feel scared and vulnerable and endangered. (Yet not going makes me feel scared that I'll seem aloof or that I'm rejecting overtures of friendship and inclusion.)

I've been talking mostly about Dee with my therapist the last couple of visits. About how I don't want to have sex with them and how I don't understand that feeling and how terrifying it is to express that. Next week I'll go through this more general fear.

When I talked with them about not having done much explicit discussion with Dee about sex and kink before getting involved, they (my therapist) asked whether I'd read much about these issues. They noted that I'm fairly widely read and asked why I hadn't read poly-kink related things like The Ethical Slut or The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book. I didn't really know.

My ex had a copy of The Ethical Slut and wanted me to read it when we were transitioning out of monogamy. I started to, but the book, combined with the deeply uncomfortable situation I was in, was too much and I didn't read more than a few pages. Maybe that has something to do with it. Thinking of reading that book now feels threatening. Dangerous.

I think it would make sense to read the topping and bottoming books; it could help me learn how and when to express and negotiate sex and kink interests and activities. (I'm planning to order copies.) Right now, I get stuck. This is what happened with Dee, I think. At first, talking explicitly about sex seems presumptive. It would be rude to assume the other person is interested. And later it's somehow too late and doesn't feel natural. I'm looking for a perfect time and there isn't one. The therapist suggested this might be an issue and it made sense. "I'm looking for that intersection of curves on a graph," I laughed. "Let's see; the lines intersect right there; ok! Let's talk! That was easy."

Dee has suggested I get on Fetlife again. Someone that Danae and I met at LRA (and with whom we spent an hour or more talking about electronics work and restoring vintage vibrators) gave us their Fetlife name too. But being on that platform again is terrifying too. Years ago, someone sent me a message suggesting we get together. It was mildly suggestive at most, but it was terrifying and I left the platform because I just didn't now how to respond. Thinking of being there is still both scary and, because I don't seem to relate to people on social media the same way most other people do, frustrating.

I really want to be a part of this social world, but then...something happens. Maybe it's only appealing in theory. Maybe I just want to want these things. Or maybe I'm just so terrified by lack of structure and not knowing how to behave that it overwhelms any positive feelings.

I talked with my therapist about structure too. I'm terrified of a lack of known, understood structure to operate within. I'm terrified of trying to impose my own structure on others because I'm petrified at the thought of feeling that my needs are more important than (or maybe even as important as) those of other people.

Detail aside, sex feels scary right now in ways that it never has before. Now, not only does the thought of sex with Dee give me great anxiety, but even thoughts of sex with Danae are making me feel, if not exactly anxious, a bit nervously disinterested. In the past, even when I've had negative sexual experiences with others, I was still very interested in sex with my partner.

Now, instead, while characters in silly furry smut seem very appealing (for instance, a cute story on Literotica about a human military group working with lagomorophic aliens who relax through sex provided the basis for fun casual daydreaming), sex in real life, especially with people other than Danae, is scary.

I don't know why, and I don't like feeling this way. Through a lot of my 20s and 30s I felt like I was missing out on so very much, sexually, that I wanted in my life. I felt deep fear that maybe I missed my chance to do all these things that I wanted to do and people I knew were doing but circumstances kept me from. Do I now not want those things? Or am I just too scared about them to realize I want them? I've even flirted with the thought that I might not be interested in romantic or sexual relationships with other people. That maybe I'd be happy just being involved with Danae exclusively. I don't think that's true, but it feels safe.

Feelings of safety are very appealing right now. There isn't even really that much to be afraid of, but I feel afraid of things I can't even really identify.

Feeling so much better lately has made me want to leap into social stuff head first. I've been Googling to see what kind of events, activities, and social groups I would like to try to be part of, and thinking about starting to attend them. Particularly exciting are some explicitly LGBTQ-positive poly social event / play parties that encourage people to attend even if they don't want to play. I think that I'm getting to a place where I can begin to keep my own feelings and my own safety in mind in that kind of interaction with other people. I can imagine myself saying no to someone I don't know well about something I feel pressured by without it seeming entirely impossible; that's a nice step forward. I've found a couple of events that feel excitingly like the kind of thing I've wanted to be involved in for years:

• A recurring weekly poly party at a local dungeon
  
• One that happened a year ago, but gives me hope that there are safe, all-gender, sex-oriented socializing spaces out there that would make me feel welcome: this one seemed focused on safe spaces for self expression.

Great things!

That said, as much as I'm tired of and frustrated with waiting to be involved in this kind of community and event, I don't think this is a good time for it. And while I've been saying some version of that to myself for the better part of a decade, I feel for the first time that there is real potential for that to change in the immediate future. I have time, my brain is getting better, and eventually the primary reasons to delay will possibly be resolved. Those reasons are:

*I should probably work on my own brain for a while first. I've been fantastically better on the current medication regimen, but that's only been for a couple of weeks; it would be good to know that I am stable on a longer-term basis. I also haven't dealt with any major stressors that might throw me off, like taking really scary steps into a community I don't know, or actively seeking play and dating partners for the first time ever. Let's see how I weather some less turbulent waters before pointing the boat out into the open sea.

*Danae has just begun the process of getting therapy for some things that have been troubling her for more than a decade herself. Prior to a lot of really negative sexual and social experiences, she was very involved in the poly and kink communities where she lived. These days, because of those things, it's really hard for her to make connections with people and she's been really socially isolated. As I wrote before, I think that she and I are really in a good position to understand each other's experiences and fears and hold each other's hand through trying to open up worlds. But now, as she's just starting out and dealing with rehashing a lot of pain, may not be the time for her to do that. It's a scary, brave thing to start actively dealing with your own trauma and right now I want to focus on being there for her rather than start making significant life changes that would affect both of us.

*I do not have a job. Danae is financially supporting me, and while it's important to her that I'm able to spend money on things like visiting my parents or Posi, or CDs and things at thrift stores, I'm in a position where I do not have a lot of disposable income, and I have a significant obligation to help keep us living well on only her income (which, as a funded graduate student without another job, isn't huge).

There are lots of things I'm thinking about lately. Where's my brain at? Should I increase the Bupropion dose? I still haven't moved to the 2 tablets daily. I emailed the psychiatrist about it. I frequently get lethargic and unmotivated in the late afternoon or evening. I'm not depressed or anxious; just unmotivated. I want to chill on the couch with the dog or watch Danae play a game rather than do anything active. He suggested that maybe the Bupropian is wearing off and that I could take a second pill in the afternoon instead of two in the morning. I'm still considering that, and waiting to see how my brain and body continue to behave.

Do I want to look for a job? What would I do? How would that affect Danae, for whom I'm doing all the housework? Maybe a part-time job so I still have time for work around the house? Would that disrupt my mental stability? I think that the photographing babies job was a really bad idea for me; too much dealing with people. But if I could leverage my archives and library experience to get a part time job at a library (something Danae was thinking about for me back when I first moved back from New York), that could be near-perfect. Maybe. And would be good experience if I decide to go for an MLIS some day.

In the meantime, I'm thinking about going to a cuddle-party that happens in nearby Rogers Park. I've been to a cuddle party once before and really enjoyed the experience. I think that, with the reduced anxiety (particularly about meeting other people's expectations and not disappointing them), I would be able to say no if need be. Creating a safe space for people to say no is one of the goals of cuddle parties, even including an orientation wherein attendees practice saying no to each other.

So, there's that!

In other news, our housemate is talking about potentially moving in with his boyfriend out in a far suburb, so we may be looking for another awesome housemate. It was so hard to find someone we really meshed with; I hope it goes a little better next time, if this move actually occurs.

In response to criticism of the Fifty Shades of Gray movie being passed around on Facebook.

So, here's the thing with this movie, and this book, and whatever else it is. (In the interest of full discosure, I have not read it.)

(Warning; I'm going to talk about BDSM, kink, consent, rape, and things like that here.)

This is a fantasy, right?

In BDSM/kink culture (which I'm only peripherally involved in, though I know many folks who are more a part of it than I), consent is paramount. Nothing should ever be done without full, informed, and conscious consent of any people involved in an activity. I think this is common-sense. Without consent, BDSM is assault and/or rape.

However, once consent is given, any number of things can happen that take the form of non-consent. People even talk about "consensual non-consent", wherein people engage in 'scenes' without a safeword, or re-create scenes of kidnap or rape. And as long as those things are negotiated beforehand, and all parties have consented to what will play out, that's ok. That is informed consent.

Now, people who are into those things may well fantasize about being subjected to this kind of thing non-consenually. That's perfectly ok. The realm of internal thought and desire is a private place and should not be subject to public scrutiny. It is when it is translated into action that affects other people that it becomes subject to certain regulation to ensure safety and happiness for those involved.

These books, this movie, is a fantasy. It sounds like one that I would personally find pretty disturbing and unenjoyable, to be fair. But my standards are not universal, and there are a lot more writings, videos, and photographs out there that are equally disturbing, or more so. By these standards, Fifty Shades is nothing special, nor even problematic. Again, fantasy is fantasy. I think that any fantasy of this kind that, for whatever reason, became such a huge pop-culture phenomenon would be subjected to the same kind of criticism. And, thus, there are many, many more that are not, and that people within the BDSM / kink community encounter every day and have no problem with.

I guess I just want to say that, when we talk about this movie, let's make sure we talk, seriously and deeply, about why it's problematic, rather than just saying "that's not what BDSM is like." There are plenty of people who know that's not what BDSM is like in reality who have fantasies that are just as full of non-consent as Fifty Shades is. In certain, very tightly controlled ways, this is what *aspects* of BDSM *can* be like. That needs to be explained, not hidden from people who would benefit from a fuller understanding of the issues involved.

What do you think?