MeghanIsMe

I never wrote about the cuddle party I was planning to attend a couple of weeks ago. It's because I didn't manage to attend it. I was sure it was on a Sunday. I arrived that morning with hot cocoa mix and hummus and chips to share. I was wearing my new pajamas and even was feeling brave enough to put my hair in pigtails. But I was a day late. The organizer came out to meet me and give me a hug anyway, which was really nice of zir. Zie said I could use my ticket for another event instead, but the idea of trying to arrange that in advance makes me anxious and I'll just buy another ticket for the next event I want to attend, which is at the end of February. My therapist asked whether I thought it might be an unconscious way of avoiding a potentially stressful event. Maybe I suppose; I don't know. It's worth thinking about, which I think is the point of such questions. I'm feeling anxiously optimistic about the next one, and I'm proud of myself for being brave enough to have tried to go.

I also have a draft version of the personal ad that I was thinking about writing. I need to incorporate some helpful advice, and then I really may post it somewhere.

My dad's sister in Texas died recently. We didn't know about her until a few years back; my grandmother gave her up for adoption before my dad was born and never told him about her. She found my dad and got in touch, which made him really happy. He loved having a sister, and her death is hard for him. I only met her twice in person and didn't know her well, but I will miss both her, and her presence in the lives of those who cared about her, especially my dad.

This past weekend, I packed up my bag of electronic parts and drove out to visit Posi. I watched him solder parts together while I located and handed them to him, feeling a bit like a surgeon's assistant. Watching him work makes me feel a lot better about doing some assembly myself, and I plan to do more work on my project this week. First, though, I want to pick up some desoldering braid in case I screw up. There used to be a Radio Shack a few blocks away in downtown Evanston, but they've been closed for months. And of course, when they were having their going out of business sale, I wasn't interested in electronics work so I missed a chance to pick up bunches of stuff on the cheap. The closest one left is way out in the southwest burbs, so I may drive up to Kenosha this weekend to visit both my family and the Chester's Electronic Supply. I adore that place, and am happy to support them anyway. I guess I could try American Science and Surplus too; I don't know if they carry that kind of thing. Their catalog has kits including solder and braid with an iron, but I don't see it by itself.

Posi finished the power regulation section of my ESR meter, which takes around 12VDC through a jack and provides +5V and -5V internally. And it lights up an LED to show it's on, of course! I loved his trick of grabbing wire with a loop of fishing line pulled through a hole in the board, then pulling up tight against it. He made the common ground connection for several components using one wire that way and it looks nice and tidy.

Feeling so much better lately has made me want to leap into social stuff head first. I've been Googling to see what kind of events, activities, and social groups I would like to try to be part of, and thinking about starting to attend them. Particularly exciting are some explicitly LGBTQ-positive poly social event / play parties that encourage people to attend even if they don't want to play. I think that I'm getting to a place where I can begin to keep my own feelings and my own safety in mind in that kind of interaction with other people. I can imagine myself saying no to someone I don't know well about something I feel pressured by without it seeming entirely impossible; that's a nice step forward. I've found a couple of events that feel excitingly like the kind of thing I've wanted to be involved in for years:

• A recurring weekly poly party at a local dungeon
  
• One that happened a year ago, but gives me hope that there are safe, all-gender, sex-oriented socializing spaces out there that would make me feel welcome: this one seemed focused on safe spaces for self expression.

Great things!

That said, as much as I'm tired of and frustrated with waiting to be involved in this kind of community and event, I don't think this is a good time for it. And while I've been saying some version of that to myself for the better part of a decade, I feel for the first time that there is real potential for that to change in the immediate future. I have time, my brain is getting better, and eventually the primary reasons to delay will possibly be resolved. Those reasons are:

*I should probably work on my own brain for a while first. I've been fantastically better on the current medication regimen, but that's only been for a couple of weeks; it would be good to know that I am stable on a longer-term basis. I also haven't dealt with any major stressors that might throw me off, like taking really scary steps into a community I don't know, or actively seeking play and dating partners for the first time ever. Let's see how I weather some less turbulent waters before pointing the boat out into the open sea.

*Danae has just begun the process of getting therapy for some things that have been troubling her for more than a decade herself. Prior to a lot of really negative sexual and social experiences, she was very involved in the poly and kink communities where she lived. These days, because of those things, it's really hard for her to make connections with people and she's been really socially isolated. As I wrote before, I think that she and I are really in a good position to understand each other's experiences and fears and hold each other's hand through trying to open up worlds. But now, as she's just starting out and dealing with rehashing a lot of pain, may not be the time for her to do that. It's a scary, brave thing to start actively dealing with your own trauma and right now I want to focus on being there for her rather than start making significant life changes that would affect both of us.

*I do not have a job. Danae is financially supporting me, and while it's important to her that I'm able to spend money on things like visiting my parents or Posi, or CDs and things at thrift stores, I'm in a position where I do not have a lot of disposable income, and I have a significant obligation to help keep us living well on only her income (which, as a funded graduate student without another job, isn't huge).

There are lots of things I'm thinking about lately. Where's my brain at? Should I increase the Bupropion dose? I still haven't moved to the 2 tablets daily. I emailed the psychiatrist about it. I frequently get lethargic and unmotivated in the late afternoon or evening. I'm not depressed or anxious; just unmotivated. I want to chill on the couch with the dog or watch Danae play a game rather than do anything active. He suggested that maybe the Bupropian is wearing off and that I could take a second pill in the afternoon instead of two in the morning. I'm still considering that, and waiting to see how my brain and body continue to behave.

Do I want to look for a job? What would I do? How would that affect Danae, for whom I'm doing all the housework? Maybe a part-time job so I still have time for work around the house? Would that disrupt my mental stability? I think that the photographing babies job was a really bad idea for me; too much dealing with people. But if I could leverage my archives and library experience to get a part time job at a library (something Danae was thinking about for me back when I first moved back from New York), that could be near-perfect. Maybe. And would be good experience if I decide to go for an MLIS some day.

In the meantime, I'm thinking about going to a cuddle-party that happens in nearby Rogers Park. I've been to a cuddle party once before and really enjoyed the experience. I think that, with the reduced anxiety (particularly about meeting other people's expectations and not disappointing them), I would be able to say no if need be. Creating a safe space for people to say no is one of the goals of cuddle parties, even including an orientation wherein attendees practice saying no to each other.

So, there's that!

In other news, our housemate is talking about potentially moving in with his boyfriend out in a far suburb, so we may be looking for another awesome housemate. It was so hard to find someone we really meshed with; I hope it goes a little better next time, if this move actually occurs.