MeghanIsMe

I've continued to be a mess. No surprise there I suppose.

My neck and shoulder continue to be in pain. This morning, though, it was improved enough that when I woke up I was able to roll over and lie on my stomach for a while. That's been mostly out of the question for about two weeks, so that's a relief.

I tried to go to a walk-in clinic on Tuesday, but the two that I went to did not have walk-in hours that day, and I gave up. It was nice to be called "ma'am" at the second one at least.
On Wednesday, there was a trans and allies night at a local brewery, Malty National, that Miriam and I talked about going to. We ended up not staying long because of Covid exposure, and I've been having a really hard time since then. I wrote:

Miriam and I got to the trans and allies event yesterday and only stayed for 10 minutes or so because even though the building wasn't very crowded yet, C0₂ levels were already pretty high. High C0₂ levels indicate poor ventilation, and are a proxy for one risk factor for Covid transmission. I bumped into someone I know from the online group who invited me to join them for pizza (which I couldn't eat because of the respirator), but I declined and went home with Miriam. And then I intended to be in the online meeting for the trans group on Wednesday, but I was too distracted and/or distressed and missed it.

I'm having a really hard time with this. I don't know how many more years of this I can deal with. I don't know what else to do. I'm sad and lonely.

I'm still having a really hard time with this, three days later. That, on top of being sick and being in pain have really destroyed what regularity I'd managed to find in my schedule with exercising and managing my food better. It's really hard for me to feel like anything is really worth doing in the abstract long term.

That said, I'm working on trying to get a CV done to either submit for academic library/archives jobs or to construct resumes from as necessary. If I get it done, I'm going to order some pizza for myself, because at least immediate tangible rewards feel somewhat motivating.

I do rather like the picture of myself I took when I got a little dressed up to go out, ane before I had to put a big ugly respirator on my face. This is the ear I'm going to get a helix piercing on, as soon as my mental health is good enough to manage taking care of it.



Yesterday, I was having something like a panic attack in the morning. I wrote:

My brain is a mess lately.

This morning, a combination of two things are in there. 1: I have to get out of bed to take care of animals even if taking care of myself doesn't matter. 2: What if something happens to Miriam (who is going to a job-related thing) and she's just gone without me even getting a chance to see her again, like my dad. I was in tears at the door as she was leaving, asking her to please be safe as though she's going to visit a war zone instead of driving across town to the university.

Today, though, with the pain reduced and the chaos in my brain a bit more under control, I'm going to write about my ideas for my upcoming name change.

Today, Miriam and I are going to our first in-person thing since getting elastomeric masks. We haven't had them professionally fit-tested yet, but her supervisor has strongly suggested she come to the post-doc appreciation reception they're holding. I'll have to make sure to get a big lunch since we won't be eating until we're back and I'd hate to be really hungry and staring at food I'm unable to eat.

This sort of thing would have been a lot of fun once.

---

As I sat on a bench at the lake at my turnaround point on yesterday's ride, I felt a lot like I did at times when I was stopped somewhere along the Chicago lakefront on a long ride north to south and back. I sat and ate an energy bar and drank some water and looked at the lake and I felt, in a difficult to describe way, good about being out on my bike in a particular way that I haven't in a long time.

I almost didn't have the motivation to go out, but Miriam helped me. I appreciate her so much.

https://www.strava.com/activities/9883365117?fbclid=IwAR3WBCEcezvP55vCZkghFtexJL54t-BsG_4PFLEOHMX6mOVevR9ONGjlEf8

I have been thinking lately of how I feel too contrarian to identify myself with any kind of socially constructed identity. In every group there are people who see things in a completely binary perspective, and I just can't do it. It makes me uncomfortable about considering myself a member of the trans community, or the queer community, even the broad social justice community. Hell yes, I am a proud SJW. At least I think I am. But my deepest instinct, when people make a statement about "the way things are"™ is to find the flaws in that statement. There are things that make me feel like a 'bad' or 'illegitimate' member of that community. Observing other people who feel othered by those groups for expressing thoughts I have reinforces that.

I can't believe something that doesn't make logical sense to me. I can't profess something I don't believe. I can't give any of that up to pursue feelings of group/identity membership that I do find legitimately lacking in my life.

In my last therapy session, I talked about my feelings that I don't seem to get much out of large events like pride parades or naked bike ride, or sci-fi/fantasy conventions, or kink social spaces like the local dungeon. I ran my idea about those events from earlier by them (them=my therapist); that once people have gone to the same event a few times, it becomes more about sharing an experience with others than about having the experience myself. Since I don't seem to connect with other people in those circumstances, once the novelty is gone the enjoyment drops steeply.

Exploring that idea, we expanded it to my interactions with people in general. We thought about what kinds of social interactions I enjoy and seek, and what contexts I enjoy interactions with other people in. It's actually a pretty limited range.

Talking with Erik, I've commented that, when it comes to relationships, I don't seem to do things by halves. I was thinking specifically of romantic and sexual relationships, but it applies more broadly too. For me, people are grouped into people I feel safe and comfortable with, and everyone else. I don't have many gradations between.

That reminds me of how I've always felt the distinction in my mind between friend and lover and romantic partner was kind of fuzzy. In the past, though, I thought that that meant I would enjoy having an array of people in my life who I'm connected to in different ways and at different levels of intimacy. It's become clear that that doesn't really work for me. If I put that in the context of relations with other humans being something of a binary thing, though, it makes a whole different kind of sense. When I know someone well enough to feel safe and comfortable with them and to enjoy being unself-consciously in their presence, that in itself is a significant kind of intimacy for me. It's so unusual for me to feel that kind of peace and safety with someone else that, once I've created a space in my heart for them, they get the unfiltered Stormdog experience.

This might make getting to know people awkward if we're interacting at different levels of expectation of intimacy, be that intellectual, emotional, or physical. This model helps me understand the difficulty I've had in getting to know a number of people in various circumstances, when differing expectations of expressions of intimacy confused me and made me uncomfortable or scared. It also explains the intensely negative experiences I've had with people when there was an expectation of physical intimacy, even on *my* part, without other kinds of intimacy.

This model also fits my current situation pretty well. My social core is small and populated with people I am deeply connected to. Danae, Erik, and my family. Between those people, my needs are basically being met. I'm not feeling the kind of intense loneliness, or fear of missing out, that motivated me to look for new social outlets. Therapy has helped me tremendously with self-awareness and self-knowledge and made it *possible* for me to try new outlets: the local poly meetups, board game nights with people I know online, trying to be social at the local dungeon. I'm really proud of myself for the progress I've made and the bravery I found to go to these things and talk to strangers. But it's so hard and time-consuming to make connections that are meaningful to me, and I get little enough from having people in my life at only a passing-acquaintance level to chat with at events and then go home, that I don't feel motivated to do those social things very much.

At least for my own sake; Erik invited me to a queer contra dance last week and it was amazing! More about that later.

In a group I'm in, someone posted a meme saying, directly and literally, that they would be interested in seeing everyone in the group naked. Some members of the group sent them naked photos which were perceived as unsolicited nudes and caused a mess.

I realize that memes are often not intended to be understood as something that the sharer is actually saying. To be honest, that makes no damn sense to me and feels like people trying to express a sentiment and then shirk responsibility for saying it.

In a situation like the nude photo thing, I certainly would get individual consent before responding because it was not meant literally (though I really don't understand what the point of sharing it was then). When its something that affects other people, I don't take things at face value.

Things that affect *me* though, I do tend to take at face value. I unfriended someone some time back because they posted a meme that said "If you think X, you must be a special kind of stupid." Well, I thought X, and was offended at being called a special kind of stupid without any attempt to understand why I thought X. So I unfriended them.

I spent a while in therapy on the topic of conventions. (Here referring to sci-if/fantasy conventions of the sort I grew up going to with my parents and that I've attended sporadically on my own as an adult.)

I talked about why the programming feels frustrating and how room parties are usually loud and noisy enough to be scary and how I don't know how to meet anyone there I don't already know, and how I don't know if the people I already know who go to them are interested in doing things with me anyway.

"Maybe," they said, "and this is just an idea, you don't actually like conventions?"

What an odd thought. It's actually contrary to some of my self-identity. As a kid, I didn't fit in anywhere except with my family and at conventions where, not coincidentally, I was with my family. I could look around at all the people in costume or carrying bags of gaming stuff and feel like these were people like me. I grew up thinking that those events would be a big part of my social life. Being happy somewhere as a kid, though, doesn't mean you'll fit in there as an adult. Like queer people in very small towns.

A lot of my experiences at cons with my ex were negative. And even without her, being alone at them makes me feel awkward and anxious. Maybe I could alleviate that through working at them and having a sense of purpose. But I don't know if it's what I really want.

What I really want is to be in environments where I can be around just a small group of people and have more intimate conversations than I know how to have at cons. If I knew a group of people to go with it might be different. Maybe that will happen in the future.

So I'm going to look for that and let cons be for now. I feel a mix of negative feelings about them; regret, frustration, anger, sadness. I don't need that. I need something new.

I'm going to try local, recurring, small-scale stuff. I'm planning on a crafting and cuddle event on the 22nd, and a poly meet-up at a restaurant/pub this coming Monday.

My anxiety instills a lot of fear in me that if I don't do everything just right with a new group of people that I will end up alienating them all and losing my chance to get to know them. This is silly and I don't think it will keep me from going.

Another significant barrier is that when it comes time to go somewhere, I never seem to actually want to get dressed and leave the condo. It's actually *really* hard to overcome that inertia. I don't know how to deal with that other than by just somehow forcing myself to do it.

I think that I often have a question for people at the end of my posts because I want there to be some context and backstory, and that because of that my question gets missed. So I'll lead (if you can call the end of the first paragraph a lead) with a question: do I know anyone who has info about working with one department or another at Midwest Furfest? [This is more likely to garner responses on Facebook where I think I know folks who work the convention.] I'd like to do that. (If not, maybe I'll sign up through the website to be a volunteer, if it's not too late.)

I *think* I'd like to go to a convention again. It's been years. I really feel like I don't even know what to do at a convention. After I split up with my ex I was having really positive experiences socializing at such things. Then school, grad school, and depression consumed my life for, at this point, seven or eight years. I don't even know what I'd do there anymore. I imagine my first experiences at conventions when I started going without my parents, just awkwardly walking around the hallways, panels, and dealers' room all day and going home without talking to anyone. If I had the structure of working or volunteering, maybe I could meet people.

There are other things I'd like to go to, but it seems that timing is not great right now.

The next two cuddle events in Chicago are focused on women and gender-minority folks and I feel uncomfortable going. (I did contact the organizer to ask about the events, and though they did not say I shouldn't attend, I feel better right now not doing so.) The one after that will happen while I'm in Canada with Danae, so that puts things into January. There's another group of folks who have a monthly get-together, but the regular fourth Thursday time is Thanksgiving this month, and they can't do the week after because the organizer will be at Midwest Furfest.

My past experiences with trying to be a part of the social world of fandom is tainted by a lot of negative stuff related to my relationship with my ex and my own inability to establish connections even with people whose periphery I've been in for ten or fifteen years. It makes me feel sad and fatalistic. In a way, the idea of Danae finding a job elsewhere and giving me a chance to start completely over is really appealing. But there must be people in Chicago who would like me and who I'd enjoy spending time with. Maybe I can still find them.

Relatedly, I was just approved to join the Chicago Polyamory group here on Facebook. Maybe on Friday I can do my introductory post and start being social there with folks who there's a potential of actually meeting in real life.

In one unfortunate evening, I was reminded (inadvertently and without ill will) of my failure to complete my master's program, of my failure at pursing a career in academia, of my failure to look at Trump supporters from an anthropological perspective to try to understand them, of the ways that the political and social situation in my country has turned to utter shit, of the fact that I will likely never in my life be in a position to freely travel the country for extended lengths of time while other people take doing so for granted, and of the fact that I have never had the kind of social and romantic/sexual life that seemingly all my friends and partners have had and that I still have no real expectation that I ever will.

I got home. I felt anger and frustration and self-medicated with food and lied down on the couch and cried against Danae for a while and went to bed.

But today is a new day, right? Ad astra per aspera.

Having just taken my morning medicine, the remaining pills suggest that I did not take any of my medicine yesterday. I didn't feel any withdrawal from the Escitalopram (Lexapro), nor was I feeling unusually depressed or anxious, but perhaps that's why I was feeling kind of introverty. Maybe the good stuff the rest of the weekend, and my better mood in general, kept things from being worse.

I went to Custer Street Fair with N, our former housemate, on Saturday. It's a street fair that covers a couple of blocks with the typical food and goods. One branch was a sort of Ren Fair Row of vendors whose work I've seen at Bristol Faire. I bought a metal hair spiral from one of them. I'd somehow never realized how uncomplicated those are to put in or that they stay in on their own. I was hesitant to spend $25, but it matches the colors in my hair nicely and I think I will end up wearing it quite a lot. In fact, I wore it, with my hair in a half-tail, to brunch with Danae on Sunday. (That was the first time we'd been out for brunch in a long time and the experience made me happy; her schedule usually has her sleeping in later than that.)

I also ate a (small) bucket of poutine from a stand that sells fries, poutine, or nachos by the bucket. Dessert (if ice cream at one in the afternoon counts as dessert) was an "ultimate" cone consisting of vanilla and chocolate twist soft-serve dipped in chocolate shell and tons of sprinkles and deposited in a waffle cone. It was *so* good.

Today, there's a launch of some kind of rebranding campaign at work. There was free breakfast, and there will be free lunch as well as a visit from miniature horses. Swag at breakfast included some buttons, and a deck of playing cards with facts about the company. I impressed a coworker by showing her the skills I picked up through time wasted at Magic: the Gathering, shuffling the deck in the air both upside down and with card bottoms facing out and away from me. One of many thoroughly useless skills I possess.

I got a flat tire about a mile from work this morning and had to walk my bike the rest of the way. I made it on time, albeit ten or fifteen minutes behind my usual time. I'll take it home by train and patch the tube, and replace the handlebar grips while I'm at it. The ones it has have long-since been worn smooth and are coming apart so I bought new ones when I was last at the shop.

I ate a bug on my ride home yesterday. Yuck! Ick ick! I could feel it in my throat for eight miles or so until I got home and had some yogurt. My back is still aggravated; it's fine when riding (though it hurts a little when I stop and put my foot down to stand up) but is sore while working. Bodies could really be a bit better constructed, you know?

I finally made a doctor appointment. I tried a few weeks ago, but the request interface offers you the choice of whether you prefer email or phone, and I always check email and they always call me. I don't answer my phone if I can avoid it, so the appointment doesn't get made. I managed to get setup with the online patient portal and made an appointment for tomorrow without having to use the phone.

I want to talk about beta-blockers as-needed for social anxiety, physical therapy or some other kind of treatment for my wrist pain (since the MRI showed nothing), and get a referral to a psychiatrist since the one I was seeing has moved away.

I'm going to a talk at work today about the history of the LGBT movement. That should be interesting and it includes lunch!

I was talking to a coworker a while back about Erving Goffman's Presentation of the Self in Every Day Life and how I wish I'd had a copy when I was a kid to help me understand how social interaction works. Today, I found a copy in a pile of books that someone left in the library, along with a couple of our discards that someone had apparently grabbed and then set down somewhere. If no one claims them, I'll take it home; it would be nice to have a copy to reference, especially if I ever have kids of my own.

I ordered a couple of books to read. Stewart Brand's How Buildings Learn: What Happens After They're Built sounds fascinating; just the sort of thing I've thought about for a long time and enjoy exploring through photography of repurposed buildings. First (because it arrived first), I'm reading A Burglar's Guide to the City. A friend on Facebook recommeded it and it was a near instant buy. It's about the different ways people relate to space from different perspectives, and how cities shape and are shaped by crime.

I'm considering going back to looking at Facebook with a strick once-per-day limit. Being away has been beneficial, I think.