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Jun. 20th, 2019 01:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stormdogIn my last therapy session, I talked about my feelings that I don't seem to get much out of large events like pride parades or naked bike ride, or sci-fi/fantasy conventions, or kink social spaces like the local dungeon. I ran my idea about those events from earlier by them (them=my therapist); that once people have gone to the same event a few times, it becomes more about sharing an experience with others than about having the experience myself. Since I don't seem to connect with other people in those circumstances, once the novelty is gone the enjoyment drops steeply.
Exploring that idea, we expanded it to my interactions with people in general. We thought about what kinds of social interactions I enjoy and seek, and what contexts I enjoy interactions with other people in. It's actually a pretty limited range.
Talking with Erik, I've commented that, when it comes to relationships, I don't seem to do things by halves. I was thinking specifically of romantic and sexual relationships, but it applies more broadly too. For me, people are grouped into people I feel safe and comfortable with, and everyone else. I don't have many gradations between.
That reminds me of how I've always felt the distinction in my mind between friend and lover and romantic partner was kind of fuzzy. In the past, though, I thought that that meant I would enjoy having an array of people in my life who I'm connected to in different ways and at different levels of intimacy. It's become clear that that doesn't really work for me. If I put that in the context of relations with other humans being something of a binary thing, though, it makes a whole different kind of sense. When I know someone well enough to feel safe and comfortable with them and to enjoy being unself-consciously in their presence, that in itself is a significant kind of intimacy for me. It's so unusual for me to feel that kind of peace and safety with someone else that, once I've created a space in my heart for them, they get the unfiltered Stormdog experience.
This might make getting to know people awkward if we're interacting at different levels of expectation of intimacy, be that intellectual, emotional, or physical. This model helps me understand the difficulty I've had in getting to know a number of people in various circumstances, when differing expectations of expressions of intimacy confused me and made me uncomfortable or scared. It also explains the intensely negative experiences I've had with people when there was an expectation of physical intimacy, even on *my* part, without other kinds of intimacy.
This model also fits my current situation pretty well. My social core is small and populated with people I am deeply connected to. Danae, Erik, and my family. Between those people, my needs are basically being met. I'm not feeling the kind of intense loneliness, or fear of missing out, that motivated me to look for new social outlets. Therapy has helped me tremendously with self-awareness and self-knowledge and made it *possible* for me to try new outlets: the local poly meetups, board game nights with people I know online, trying to be social at the local dungeon. I'm really proud of myself for the progress I've made and the bravery I found to go to these things and talk to strangers. But it's so hard and time-consuming to make connections that are meaningful to me, and I get little enough from having people in my life at only a passing-acquaintance level to chat with at events and then go home, that I don't feel motivated to do those social things very much.
At least for my own sake; Erik invited me to a queer contra dance last week and it was amazing! More about that later.
Exploring that idea, we expanded it to my interactions with people in general. We thought about what kinds of social interactions I enjoy and seek, and what contexts I enjoy interactions with other people in. It's actually a pretty limited range.
Talking with Erik, I've commented that, when it comes to relationships, I don't seem to do things by halves. I was thinking specifically of romantic and sexual relationships, but it applies more broadly too. For me, people are grouped into people I feel safe and comfortable with, and everyone else. I don't have many gradations between.
That reminds me of how I've always felt the distinction in my mind between friend and lover and romantic partner was kind of fuzzy. In the past, though, I thought that that meant I would enjoy having an array of people in my life who I'm connected to in different ways and at different levels of intimacy. It's become clear that that doesn't really work for me. If I put that in the context of relations with other humans being something of a binary thing, though, it makes a whole different kind of sense. When I know someone well enough to feel safe and comfortable with them and to enjoy being unself-consciously in their presence, that in itself is a significant kind of intimacy for me. It's so unusual for me to feel that kind of peace and safety with someone else that, once I've created a space in my heart for them, they get the unfiltered Stormdog experience.
This might make getting to know people awkward if we're interacting at different levels of expectation of intimacy, be that intellectual, emotional, or physical. This model helps me understand the difficulty I've had in getting to know a number of people in various circumstances, when differing expectations of expressions of intimacy confused me and made me uncomfortable or scared. It also explains the intensely negative experiences I've had with people when there was an expectation of physical intimacy, even on *my* part, without other kinds of intimacy.
This model also fits my current situation pretty well. My social core is small and populated with people I am deeply connected to. Danae, Erik, and my family. Between those people, my needs are basically being met. I'm not feeling the kind of intense loneliness, or fear of missing out, that motivated me to look for new social outlets. Therapy has helped me tremendously with self-awareness and self-knowledge and made it *possible* for me to try new outlets: the local poly meetups, board game nights with people I know online, trying to be social at the local dungeon. I'm really proud of myself for the progress I've made and the bravery I found to go to these things and talk to strangers. But it's so hard and time-consuming to make connections that are meaningful to me, and I get little enough from having people in my life at only a passing-acquaintance level to chat with at events and then go home, that I don't feel motivated to do those social things very much.
At least for my own sake; Erik invited me to a queer contra dance last week and it was amazing! More about that later.
