MeghanIsMe

I want to write an update about my current physical and mental status. Especially since I use Livejournal/Dreamwidth as a way to see how life was going in the past, it's somewhat important to me to keep it up to date. It's been rough, though.

Mentally, I'm not ok. I have lots of support from Danae and am not at risk of harming myself, so it could be worse. It's hard to say exactly why I feel the way I feel; there's so much happening and it all interacts in complex ways.

I've been having bad dreams consistently enough that I've started feeling a bit nervous about going to sleep. Last night, at least, my dreams did not induce panic or tears, though it was still very strange and full of negative stuff. When I do lie down in bed, though, I often snuggle Danae and cry a little without really knowing why.

I've tried to get mental health care here. I had a referral to the right place, and I talked to someone by phone who said a doctor would call to do an intake with me. But since then there's been no response to my calls and emails. I am understanding, given the current situation. I did, at least, get my GP to renew my prescriptions, though getting out to get them is a complex process.

It's complex because Danae and I are doing our best to quarantine ourselves completely at this point. She has a cough and other Covid-19-like symptoms. It's relatively mild and she does not have a fever, so we think our best option is to act as though she has it. Even if she does not, having Covid on top of another illness on top of the fact that she has a history of asthma and is in other risk groups makes it just as important to avoid exposing ourselves as it would if we had it. I, myself, have not had any symptoms of illness and feel fine in that regard. Her being sick with something and me never catching it or not having any symptoms worth mentioning is fairly typical for us.

A so-far-healthy friend just dropped off a bag of groceries at our door for us, and I just finished washing all the items and putting them away. We've been making the transition to grocery ordering online but haven't gotten all the supply planing down perfectly yet, and Kate was kind enough to pick up a few things to get us to our next delivery on Saturday.

Physically, I'm basically ok. I'd been feeling better enough since the bike accident that I was starting to think I was being overly careful. Malingering, even, as I thought about still trying to find a job, or starting up with the bike delivery company that I injured myself on my first day with.

Then, four days ago, I reinjured my knee. I was simply standing up from my chair when I felt something move in a way it's not supposed to and found that trying to straighten my leg caused severe pain. I made it to bed and rested, occasionally trying different positions to straighten my leg out, hoping that whatever was out of place would pop back, but no luck. Finally I called our doctor's office. The doctor got back to me with directions to ice it and let her know if it was still bad in a few days. Miriam and I were both a little nervous about the situation, but given the pandemic avoiding any in-person contact if at all possible is best.

After a night's sleep, I was actually doing a lot better. I could straighten my leg again, though walking on it felt quite weird, in a hard-to-describe way. Since then, it's improved enough for me to decide to take a short walk through the nearby forest preserve (well, the Dutch equivalent thereof) yesterday. I saw some pretty things, smiled at dogs and their people from far away, and generally managed to relax a little bit.

I still don't have my bike with me. I vacillate between thinking I should just walk the 9k to get it and ride it back (I'm not ok taking transit right now) and convincing myself that walking 9k with an unreliable knee is a bad idea.

Because of all of this mess, we've decided that me working is also a bad idea right now, and I think that's part of making my mental health bad because I feel like I'm not doing enough to support us. Since Danae's condo sold we'll be able to get by on just her income, and me taking over all of the household tasks while she concentrates on work is a viable plan we've discussed before.

But I'm having trouble being functional enough to *do* all those tasks, so I have feelings like I'm a burden on my partner. That was even more true during the spans when my injury wouldn't let me do *any* household work that couldn't be done from in front of a computer and she had to devote some of her time to being my caregiver. One dream I woke from in panic and tears was about her deciding our relationship wasn't working and we needed to break up.

So I'm fragile at the moment and am not sure when or how long it will be before I can find a therapist here to see again. Other than posting pictures of dogs I see outside our window, I'm mostly away from social media. I have very little ability to control my temper in the context of current events right now, so being there is not really productive for anybody.

My mental health is also precluding me from staying as connected with Erik in many of the ways I'd like to be. I'm not in the mindset to make sexy videos or anything for him, and since most of what I have to talk about right now is related to my lack of cope, part of me feels like he'll end up feeling like he's being my therapist and I don't want that. We have been having our weekly Skype date, and that helps me feel at least a little connected with him.

But I do miss you all. I hope you're all managing to get through life too. Virtual, quarantine-approved hugs to all of you.

Erik was going to pick me up after work yesterday to load up cars and bring things to Kenosha. He was working later than he expected, so I took the train to meet him at my place. It turned out purple line service was suspended because of a shooting, so he offered to pick me up at Howard. The last thing I texted him before my phone ran out of power was that I'd be at Howard and Paulina. He didn't realize I meant at the intersection, and I hadn't received his last text saying he was parked just west of there.

Both of us followed the old maxim of staying in one place if someone else is looking for you. We finally connected after 30 or 45 minutes and decided it was too late to take stuff to Kenosha and we should just have dinner and snuggle under blankets. I can live with that!

I sent the marriage license to the Netherlands ($36) and put a load of laundry in the wash. And made dinner for myself; that's necessary, and tasty, but still an accomplishment. I might go to bed after the laundry's out. I'm tired.

I've been a little too crazy to do much with my leisure time lately other than build things in Minecraft. (The mod set we're using lets you build diesel generators and oil pumpjacks and distillation towers! So of course I have.) I've really just gone home, dealt with animals, made some perfunctory attempt at dinner, and logged on to the server we're sharing.

But I had Monday off because I'm working this Saturday, so I asked Erik if he'd like a visitor after work. After spending a little time at home, he saw me looking at graphics cards on my phone and said that if I was still looking at PC parts, we could take a trip to Fry's.

So we drove over there and walked inside to find a store devoid of nearly everything computer-related. Seriously, there were rows and rows of 95% empty shelves. They had a total of 2, *2*, video cards in stock in the entire aisle, which, at approximately $400 and $500, were not what I was looking for. At the nearby service desk, I commented on the dearth of video cards. The employee said that there was a reorganization happening of the way things were getting delivered and they were waiting on a shipment. On the way out of the store, Erik said it would take a lot more than one shipment to fill all of those empty shelves! There was basically nothing there!

We drove to the nearby Microcenter and found a much less disappointing selection, though that's hardly a high bar. I swiftly realized that video cards had become more complex than the last time I bought one new, which was just before starting grad school. They're like mini-computers in thmselves at this point, with differing processers, memory size, clock speeds, and so on. The card I was looking for because it was specced as the recommended one for Satisfactory, was in the 10xx series. That series is old news now, so I went with a 1660 which, at 6GB, has 3/4 of the amount of memory onboard as my whole computer does on the motherboard. Tech really changes.

That's the largest purchase I've made just for my own personal happiness in...I don't know how long. But Minecraft has been my best destresser lately, and I also want to be able to play things like Astroneers or Satisfactory, which my old 760 was not up to.

I had managed to leave my wallet on Erik's table while ordering food, so he was kind enough to briefly spot me the money until I could Paypal him back that evening, and I left with a fancy new graphics board.

I know video cards are big. I've had ones that take up the space of two expansion slots before. This one takes up three!

It was a pretty great day, though it could have used more cuddling. I ended up leaving not too long after that because I was tired (still getting used to the time change I think) and had work the next day. Next visit I want to plan snuggle time with a movie.

Since I never had before, Erik thought I deserved the chance to wear a princess dress. He deserves the credit for the dress and makeup and photo ideas.

I had a magical weekend with him!

Thanks to tremendous effort and work by Miriam and Erik, the three of us have the condo officially listed!

This is where Danae and I live! At least, for the next month or two until we sell the place.

https://www.redfin.com/IL/Evanston/1111-Church-St-60201/unit-707/home/13582640?fbclid=IwAR2169PkhtWzXpRoS5KQoK1XgkPj5yJ1M5WEPt-rUmy-6_J8nkCInvEIuiE

Currently, we're trying to figure out where to move to that will allow cats. Seregil is very important to us, especially Danae, and leaving him behind is not an option we're willing to explore. The housing available through the university does not allow cats. He's officially an emotional support animal now, though I don't know what laws in NL are like regarding such things.

So Danae is doing crazy-hard searching of housing listings and even trying to coordinate with potential housemates in Amsterdam. She posted on a Housing for Queers group in Amsterdam and found a few folks who might be interested. I'm a little worried, though, about being in a bigger, more expensive place with several housemates. If more than one flakes at once, we could be stuck with a huge rent bill or even end up homeless.

This is the single biggest point of stress for us right now, though there are many others. The second one is getting the condo here ready for listing. Erik was an *amazing* boyfriend and came over yesterday to help clean. Between us, we got the bathroom and kitchen looking pretty good, but there's so much left to do.

I have half a day off on Friday. I'm going to use it to drive some of my vintage hi-fi and other electronics to Wisconsin, where my parents have been kind enough to offer storage space. (And I offered to let my dad use my turntable and stuff!)

There's just so much. It all feels overwhelming from time to time.

On the topic of pictures, this is Erik and I at Starved Rock a little while back. I hope we don't have rain again tomorrow like we did on that trip.

I'm going to miss him so very much when we move. There are so many ways that my relationship with him is actively validating and empowering in ways I haven't experienced before. I've thought about what I'd like the next part of my life to look like and I absolutely want to go with Danae to her own next adventure. But leaving here is hard. Not just because of my relationship with Erik, but because I feel like I have more in-person social contacts here than at any other point in my life. (Which isn't really saying that much.)

I love him and am so grateful for the time that we have.

Erik and I went to the Sycamore Steam Show and Threshing Bee this past weekend. Because I am me, I left both my cameras at Erik's place, but I did get a few pictures edited and posted to Google Drive. There are two more behind the cut, and once I get to my pictures, I'll get some more edited and posted.

There were a number of Minneapolis Traction Engines of this vintage there, but this one in particular, with in it's bright coat of gleaming primary colors, stood out.



( Two more behind the cut. )

On Sunday, Erik and I visited the giant steam locomotive Big Boy 4014 in West Chicago where it was parked for a few days. Then, on Tuesday, we chased it from the bridge it crossed over the Fox River at Elgin to the bridge over the Rock River near Dixon. Seeing it close-up and operational instead of the one I saw in Green Bay on static display was a whole different world. I'm not going to post more pictures of it until I can process them through Photoshop; less than the best I can do with them would be a disservice to the subject. But here's a quick and dirty edit of just one of them.

Many of the large bolt-heads had these star shapes that it looks like some kind of retaining clips fit into. They're so pretty! I wish I knew enough about engineering to understand them. The circular shape in the background is one of the driving wheels.

In my last therapy session, I talked about my feelings that I don't seem to get much out of large events like pride parades or naked bike ride, or sci-fi/fantasy conventions, or kink social spaces like the local dungeon. I ran my idea about those events from earlier by them (them=my therapist); that once people have gone to the same event a few times, it becomes more about sharing an experience with others than about having the experience myself. Since I don't seem to connect with other people in those circumstances, once the novelty is gone the enjoyment drops steeply.

Exploring that idea, we expanded it to my interactions with people in general. We thought about what kinds of social interactions I enjoy and seek, and what contexts I enjoy interactions with other people in. It's actually a pretty limited range.

Talking with Erik, I've commented that, when it comes to relationships, I don't seem to do things by halves. I was thinking specifically of romantic and sexual relationships, but it applies more broadly too. For me, people are grouped into people I feel safe and comfortable with, and everyone else. I don't have many gradations between.

That reminds me of how I've always felt the distinction in my mind between friend and lover and romantic partner was kind of fuzzy. In the past, though, I thought that that meant I would enjoy having an array of people in my life who I'm connected to in different ways and at different levels of intimacy. It's become clear that that doesn't really work for me. If I put that in the context of relations with other humans being something of a binary thing, though, it makes a whole different kind of sense. When I know someone well enough to feel safe and comfortable with them and to enjoy being unself-consciously in their presence, that in itself is a significant kind of intimacy for me. It's so unusual for me to feel that kind of peace and safety with someone else that, once I've created a space in my heart for them, they get the unfiltered Stormdog experience.

This might make getting to know people awkward if we're interacting at different levels of expectation of intimacy, be that intellectual, emotional, or physical. This model helps me understand the difficulty I've had in getting to know a number of people in various circumstances, when differing expectations of expressions of intimacy confused me and made me uncomfortable or scared. It also explains the intensely negative experiences I've had with people when there was an expectation of physical intimacy, even on *my* part, without other kinds of intimacy.

This model also fits my current situation pretty well. My social core is small and populated with people I am deeply connected to. Danae, Erik, and my family. Between those people, my needs are basically being met. I'm not feeling the kind of intense loneliness, or fear of missing out, that motivated me to look for new social outlets. Therapy has helped me tremendously with self-awareness and self-knowledge and made it *possible* for me to try new outlets: the local poly meetups, board game nights with people I know online, trying to be social at the local dungeon. I'm really proud of myself for the progress I've made and the bravery I found to go to these things and talk to strangers. But it's so hard and time-consuming to make connections that are meaningful to me, and I get little enough from having people in my life at only a passing-acquaintance level to chat with at events and then go home, that I don't feel motivated to do those social things very much.

At least for my own sake; Erik invited me to a queer contra dance last week and it was amazing! More about that later.