MeghanIsMe

I ordered a bike trailer today for doing grocery pickup. It has the largest carrying box of the ones that were not hugely expensive. It's not as highly rated and reviewed as some, but it seems like it's likely to be decent. I get really anxious spending any significant amount like this: I fear I'll get the wrong thing and have wasted the money. But if it turns out to be crap, I have 30 days to return it. Hopefully it will be ok.

https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B081JL2L8X/ref=ppx_od_dt_b_asin_title_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

After getting home from a bike ride yesterday, I blocked three people who left a laugh react on Facebook to a picture of me I posted publicly some time ago: one of me shortly after getting my hair done at the salon. I changed it to friends only, but I suppose my picture is probably out there getting passed around somewhere anyway. It's the second time something like this has happened, and I don't really have strong feelings about it that I'm conscious of. But I suspect they may be there anyway.

On one of my rides to the lake, I was passed by two women in jerseys riding together and it made me think of watching Long Riders! and what it would be like to have friends and/or partners to ride with. It made me feel lonely, though the ride was really nice.

Speaking of Long Riders!, Miriam jokes that watching the show was a bad influence on me, and she may have a point. I have discovered a group that organizes brevet rides in Saskatchewan and I want to do one next year. Brevets are a sort of combination race/touring bicycling event. There's a set route and checkpoints, and you have a set amount of time to finish in, but it's explicitly non-competitive.

The shortest ones are 200k with a route from Regina to Fort Qu'appelle, to Southey, to Regina and they have a 13.5 hour time limit. I'm going to aim for one or more of them after the winter. I used to be in physical shape good enough that that distance felt approachable, and I'd like to get there again.

(In case you're curious, the longest ones are 1000km and you have 75 hours to finish.)

And I found a stepstool in the dumpster a couple days ago, so my days of standing on stacked up paint cans or rolling chairs are over! For now anyway...

I looked at 538's predictions on the upcoming US midterm for the first time yesterday, and the result is not helping with my depression.

I'm near-completely inactive these days, especially this past week or so. Even when I'm not sleeping, which is a lot of the time, I kind of wish that I was? I spend a lot of the time I'm awake pointlessly scrolling through social media updates because...I dunno. At least there's other people?

I've tried to play some computer games, but the decision-making is too much for me a lot of the time. Several times, I've made it to the title screen of Oxygen Not Included, then just kind of panicked and closed it. I am still enjoying Stardew Valley with Miriam in the evenings. Though I sometimes get a little overwhelmed by decision-making there too, snuggling on the couch and discussing what to do with her gets me past those moments.

Before the fire, I'd started regularly taking little one hour bike trips, and they were really good for me. I'm probably going to buy an indoor trainer to use my bike with today. I'm worried I won't be motivated enough to use it and will have wasted money on myself, but maybe I can think of some kind of self-reward system that will get me to do it.

One thing I'm really looking forward to is the arrival of some shoes that I ordered from Torrid. At present, I'm still wearing either the sandals that survived the fire (and whose straps have broken and been repaired with twist-ties multiple times), or the worn-out low-top leather shoes I thrifted to have something close-toed for salvaging stuff from the burned-out condo.

Assuming they fit, I'll not only have shoes in decent shape, but they'll be cute too!

I hope they fit.

This was my trip back home from the canal today.



I just realized that that trip (13.1 miles) is only a little bit longer than my one-way trip to work at Rush, which was nearly exactly a half-marathon. Yes, that was definitely easier a year ago...

I started getting a feel for my new bike a couple days ago. Compared to my physical condition prior to grad school, I'm in awful shape. But cycling the Dutch countryside is fantastic!
I expect I'll be avoiding Amsterdam for the foreseeable future.



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This depression/anhedonia/lack of motivation is getting worse.
I need to get some library schools apps together by the end of the month to be considered for Fall and it's really not easy. And I'm not doing the housework I ought to be either.

Today I'm listening to They Might Be Giants and cleaning. Music really helps me feel up to doing things when I can manage to feel good enough to convince myself to start playing it and do something.

Well, yesterday was a day.

I arrived at Thuisbezorgd for onboarding at 9:00 because the email said 9:00 in one place and 3:15 in another. The person at the desk was apologetic and said that email was very confusing. She asked for a screenshot so she could show folks the problem and I went back home.
I was having a lot of trouble navigating with my phone because of the rain and I kept taking it in and out of my pocket to check directions. I had taken out of it's protective case to fit it on my phone holder on the bike, so when I dropped it the screen cracked pretty badly. Still seems to work though.

It was rainy and chilly and I'm not used to that these days. When I got home I was freezing and laid down under blankets to warm up. I didn't intend to fall asleep so I didn't set an alarm so when I got up I had to rush around getting ready to go back out.

It was still raining on my way back to Thuisbezorgd and I was really worried about water intrusion through the cracked screen so I tried to use it as little as possible. I ended up being slightly late, but they hadn't started the training yet so it was ok.
I sat down with the other folks and found that my phone had turned itself off. I powered it on, but the SIM was locked and I couldn't remember the PIN. So I got it wrong three times (I was really close!) and locked it up thoroughly. Since my phone is required for this work, I couldn't do the trial delivery rides, though I did stay and watch the presentation.

So I left Thuisbezorgd and had to get home without my phone to navigate with. I mostly used the big maps posted at transit stops, though I still missed a few turns and got mildly lost a few times. Then a moped driver on a side path ahead of me turned left across my path too closely and clipped me. I fell off my bike and hit the ground. I didn't feel too bad, but my pants had a big tear in the knee and I could see a big scraped patch.

I wasn't feeling stiffness or pain yet so I got back on the bike and headed homeward. Soon I realized my back tire was flat; maybe it happened when I fell. So I started walking home and looking for bike stores. I did find one, but they couldn't do it while I waited, so that didn't help.

In all, I walked about five kilometers home, still in the rain. My shoes and socks swiftly became waterlogged. I was wearing pants that don't fit me well so the heels were sliding under my feet, but I already had a big hole at the knee so I wasn't worried about ruining them. I still couldn't navigate with my phone and Amsterdam is confusing. I got lost a couple more times, including once when the road I was on seems to magically jump from one intersection to another without keeping it's name in the intervening space.

I finally got home and Danae was kind enough to clean my injury as I sat on the chair being sore and stiff.

And I've rescheduled my onboarding day for Friday. Hopefully I'll be feeling better by then, have the waterproof phone case I ordered, and have my bike tire fixed.

I parked at one of the two-level bike racks for the first time yesterday. I was at the local expat center for my appointment to get a BSN and be a legal Dutch resident.



I keep wondering whether any of the people who make memes about cute ways to deal with impostor syndrome have ever had impostor syndrome or known anyone who does. Or maybe mine is worse than most. I can't see any of them working, and most would just make me more anxious. The ones that are based on some kind of rejection of the concept of being an impostor are impossible; if they weren't, I wouldn't have impostor syndrome. The ones that involve accepting my impostor status would make me even more anxious as part of accepting that I do not, in fact, belong where I am.

I've realized that what seems to leave my wrist aching and in pain more than anything else I do on my bike is using the left brake. Because of that, I mostly stick to the right. Today it was wet out and I used both for a little extra surety; thanks to that, my wrist pain this morning is, I think, around a 4 on the 0-10 scale with spikes to 5.

Gmail is still blocked at work. Several patrons have asked about it, to which I can only say "I dunno; it's because of some kind of virus thing. Ask the help desk."

Someone in an SUV got mad at me as I was biking to work yesterday morning. I don't know what about. He drove alongside me in the next lane and shouted something. I didn't know what it was at first and didn't know he was angry. I just cupped my hand by my head in the 'I can't hear you" sign and called "Sorry, I can't hear you!"

We repeated that again. Then, the third time, I'm pretty sure he yelled something that included the phrase "Suck my cock!"

I again cupped my hand by my ear and, smiling, shouted "Sorry, can't hear you!" He drove off.

I biked home in the rain yesterday. It was a little bit chilly, but I paid it little mind. By the time I got home, my shoes were soaked through, my shirt was plastered to my chest, and I felt great! Until the moment that I hit a big, water-hidden pothole in the alley across the street from my building and bent my back tire.

I'll have time to take the wheel off and get it to the local shop for repair after getting home. I opened today, so I'm done at three. I've developed a headache over the last hour or so. I'm not sure whether it's from having my hair up with a stick (maybe it's causing tension I'm not used to), being a little short on sleep after getting up at five, or from eating too many cookies at the grand opening of a new student-focused space where I work. Regardless, it'll be nice to get home.

I rode a bus in Chicago for the first time in a long time. Urban train systems have always been easy for me to navigate - I think it's the linear topography - but I've been intimdated by buses. Google told me the quickest option for my departure time was train-to-bus, and it worked just fine. I *love* riding public transit and feeling like part of the greater structure and life of the city again!

Oh; and I met the archivist here today and she says she'll have things for me to do and I should come get a tour of the archives. Yay!