stormdog | Entries tagged with condo

The condo is well insulated and sealed, judging by the fact that the CO₂ levels reach above 1800 ppm (typical atmospheric levels are around 400 ppm, which itself is an increase of about 50% since the start of the industrial revolution, according to Wikipedia) while I'm walking on the treadmill. Even without someone exercising, it sits around 1200 ppm with all the windows closed. Good for saving money on heat, but less so for people in it. The lack of ventilation raises the risk of Covid transmission as well.

I watched Fragtime today. The stopping time thing isn't really novel, and I don't really feel like the story was either. The ending felt abrupt, too. At least it had an ending!

The realtor we talked to said that having a shower instead of a bath is a wash (see what I did there?) in terms of resale value. But even if it decreased the value, and even if it wasn't an accessibility issue for Miriam (which it is), it would be *so* worth it. Even before I installed the shower wand today it was wonderful having the space and the flatter floor. Adding in the wand and the shower stool to sit on while I wash my hair and such makes it even better. It's *so* much nicer than standing in a tub. 100% the right choice. And for fans of ST:TNG, I can confirm, after my first use with the full set of accessories today, that the shower is, in fact, fully functional. And fits two people very nicely in ways that a bathtub never could, as Miriam and I determined a couple days ago!

Anyway...

That shower wand had been in the old old old place; the first apartment we lived in in Regina. When we moved to the condo the first time, it was one of the last things I took on my final sweep of the place. I'd almost missed it! I took it with, but we were in there such a short time that I hadn't installed it before the fire, so it was still in the car and survived. One of the few weird little things that didn't get destroyed.

---

I dropped our car off for service before out trip back to Wisconsin next week. Here's my trip:

https://www.strava.com/activities/9663098869

I don't like the portion of this route on Ross Avenue that Google had me use. I'm not comfortable biking on roads with that kind of traffic in a city I don't know well, and I feel like drivers here are probably less bike-aware than in Chicago. I rode harder than usual there and I'm still catching my breath a bit, but it's good to push limits sometimes too. I think I found a better option for that portion of my return trip tomorrow.

Miriam and I have been in the new/old place for a couple nights now. Overall, it's wonderful. We have a couch we don't hate. We have room that isn't taken up by a bunch of furniture we don't need and that isn't ours. We have nice big windows in the living room we can open up and enjoy the breeze through. It's been a long road getting here, and there's still a lot of stuff to move from the old place, but we're near the end.

Though IKEA had said they would reschedule for Wednesday, I called on Monday to ask what the status was. I was sitting at the apartment when I called. The person on the phone said it would be there in the next hour.

"You said the next day?" I asked.

"No, in the next hour."

"I better get over there to receive it then!"

And I did, so I would have been pretty annoyed if they were a no show as seems to have happened to so many people leaving reviews for them. But they did in fact show up, so that's finally all done.

We spent the first night sleeping here on Tuesday. That makes 337 days, or approximately 11 months, since the fire. I fervently hope this will facilitate a return to some kind of normalcy.

Honestly, though, things don't really feel normal with my dad being dead. Sometimes I don't think about it for a while, but sometimes it hits me pretty hard. The latest such hit was when something reminded me of Christmas and I thought about the first Christmas without him. For the last years, while I was overseas or in Canada, we at least hung out on Zoom on the holiday, and on New Years. I really wish I hadn't been unable to be there in person. I would finally have been this year.

Yesterday I tried to use the oven for the first time. I briefly started it up without realizing the instructions were still in it, and that scared me a lot. But I took them out and tried to get all the remains of the protective plastic off the door because I realized some of it was still wrapped around inside the door frame. I had trouble with that, and Miriam and I looked up what you're supposed to do when starting a new oven. We learned that you're supposed to let it heat up to 500 degrees and sit for a while so it can burn residue and oil used in the manufacturing process. I couldn't get myself to set it that high, but I managed 450.

We had bought a toaster oven recently at a garage sale, so Miriam suggested I make dinner in that instead. I started the toaster oven up, but started having a lot of fear about this unfamiliar device. It being on top of the counter was scaring me in particular, because the fire inspector had said that our faulty oven had gotten so hot it ignited the cabinetry through radiant heat. The irrational fear that this would happen again because of the toaster oven was almost making me panic, so I turned that back off and Miriam comforted me a bit while we waited the half hour for the oven to do its burn in.

On the couch, I started feeling even more fear. This situation was *so* like the one that started the fire. Turning the oven up to a high temperature and leaving it alone. On top of that, a little smoke (which is to be expected) was escaping from the oven vent. I kept intently watching the oven, waiting for something horrible to happen and unable to look away for fear that it would.

I can't remember if it was after the process was done or even before it when I collapsed against Miriam and started sobbing uncontrollably for a while. It was pretty bad as panic attacks go; hyperventilation, crying, stuffed up nose, terror. Miriam let me lean against her and take comfort from her touch and I managed to get under control eventually. Then we ordered delivery.

I'm going to try again tonight. I think it will be ok without having to do the burn-in.

Stuff from yesterday:

I went to the dog park with the intent of walking for an hour while Ella ran around, but the whole place was like walking through a living cloud of mosquitoes. Someone even gave me some bug spray and they were *still* getting me. Ugh. I left after about 10 minutes.

In the evening, I unexpectedly smelled a burning-related smell and had a rush of fear. I had to be 100% sure that the smell was outside (it was) before that fear reduced. I'm not sure if it was the wildfire smoke making it to southern Saskatchewan or if it was neighbors barbecuing, or what. But I closed the windows again.

Also yesterday evening, with the kitchen cabinetry being installed in the condo in the near future, Miriam and I talked about still not knowing how insurance is going to pay for appliances, what our budget for them is, when they should be chosen, or anything like that. At some point, our adjuster said that they would be covered by the condo corporations policy not ours.

We asked the rebuild manager, Pamela, who's been managing lighting, plumbing, flooring, cabinetry, and just about everything, about it. She said we should ask our insurance adjuster. We asked him and he said we should talk to the condo board and/or their adjuster. We asked them and they said we should talk to the contractor that is doing the work. We thought that was Pamela, since her title is flooring/rebuild manager and told the condo adjuster she told us to talk to our insurance.

The condo adjuster said we should talk to a project manager at the company Pamela is with and that Pamela is a flooring manager, not a project manager, so she can't help us with this. Her title in her email signature is flooring/rebuild manager, but ok. Now we're waiting on hearing from a different person at Pamela's company.

We are having some anxiety that it will turn out *nobody* is paying for the appliances and that they will come out of our personal possessions fund in direct contradiction to what our adjuster told us months ago, but he's a crappy communicator so it could happen. We have not been budgeting any of that for replacing appliances, so that would throw a wrench in things.

We also were just told, by the condo insurance adjuster, that our stove will *not* be covered because it caused the fire. If our adjuster didn't suck at his job, we would have known that *long* ago and been able to plan around it.

There's been just one really competent person in all of this; Pamela. Her communication is great and she gets shit done. We're going to send her an email once this is all over telling her how much we appreciate her unusual and remarkable level of effectiveness. She's really been a pleasure to work with.
And lastly, it just feels petty to me to not cover the stove, you know?

More condo updates:

The rebuild manager, who I like so far, says that our move-back-in date is likely to be mid-June to early-July, though that's subject to change. After the fire, the insurance adjuster said that it could take as long as a year for repairs to be done, given the damage. so 9.5 to 10 months isn't too bad. Of course, contractor timelines are always subject to change, and any number of things could prolong the process.

It's so weird to think that it will have been nearly a year. Life has been so crazy and strange.

I'm feeling right now like I'm not going to have trouble being in the space, but I guess that could change once it's all restored and looking more like the space I remember. I'm hoping that the different colors and cabinets and fireplace will help it feel different.

We didn't like the colors there originally anyway, so being able to choose our own is another small silver lining. I'm hoping to do something nice in the bedroom like lavender, but resale value will override that if necessary.

They need to do an insurance addendum because all the quotes on cabinetry were higher than allowed. She says this is not surprising. We picked a medicine cabinet, so they can start framing and drywalling in the bathroom. They needed to know ASAP because we originally had an in-wall cabinet, and if we wanted that again, they'd have to frame for it. We're going with a surface-mount one though.

It turns out that they are going to do the tiling around the fireplace, and match it to the floor tiling. This is a nice surprise, because we originally thought we'd have to do the tiling ourselves later. But they wanted us to choose a mantel, and we said we didn't actually want one because we were planning to tile there and put a TV on the wall, and she said they can tile instead.

It's actually bad for the TV to put it above a fireplace. The heat shortens the lifespan, and typically that puts it too high for comfortable viewing. But we aren't going to use the fireplace, and have asked for it to be put as low to the floor as possible to make placing the TV better, and there really isn't a better place to put a TV in that space, so that's what we're doing.

We're getting six-panel builder's grade doors with brushed nickel lever handles for accessibility.

I guess that's about it. Still three or four months to go. At least the heating bill there will be going down soon.

We had a longish email conversation with the person working with us on picking tile for our condo. I knew that it was a bit lengthy, so at the end, I sent an email that I tried to make very brief and clear.

---
Hi X,

To confirm our choices:

We would like to use the Argile #ARG27567 in Ice for the area in front of the fireplace.
We would like it laid horizontally (with long side parallel to the fireplace opening) with 1/3 overlap staggering.

We would like the Artisan Aqua 2.5 x 8 #AR24468 for the shower wall.
We would like it laid vertically (with short side parallel to the floor), with 1/3 overlap staggering.
Please let us know if you have any questions.

---

The purchase order the rep sent for us to sign described the fireplace tiles as "to be laid long-side parallel to the floor." We've already had issues where they recommended two different tiles for the floor in front of the fireplace only for us to look them up and find they aren't rated for floor use. They're going ON THE FLOOR! ON THE FLOOR! Parallel to the floor has no meaning in this context!

Also, and to be fair my summary email did not mention the grout we talked about, but the order only mentioned one of the two grouts we picked and did not indicate which tiles it was to be used with.
Also also, the purchase order had the condo address and our phone number wrong.

Also also also, this person CONTINUALLY fails to include one or the other of us in emails. Miriam and I always CC each other on these, and the company rep *never* includes the CCd person in their responses.
I jus wonder, sometimes, how some people are able to keep their jobs.

This Thursday, Miriam and I are meeting a contractor with the restoration company at our condo to "go over some things." "Due to the extent of the repairs," they say, "we will have lots of questions for you."

I imagine they'll have questions about materials or styles or something. We'll also ask them about replacing the bathtub with a walk-in shower, installing dishwasher connections that weren't there, and a couple other things.

But this will also be our first time inside the condo since it was a stinking, boarded-up shell full of the blackened remnants of most of our possessions, and we're not sure how we'll react. We both want to be able to live in it after it's restored, but we're worried there will be trauma-related fear and anxiety just being in the space. There's also fear and anxiety about how we're going to manage finding a place to live if the fear and anxiety of being there is enough that living there will retraumatize us, so that's a fun balance to strike.

If we want anything done that is different or an add-on from how it was, they'll probably need to get quotes. That will at least provide time for us to decide whether it makes sense, and we can afford, to have any upgrades done. If we're living there, certain things would be really nice. But if we're not living there, then certain things will make it easier to sell, too.

I'm still feeling a lot of guilt and shame about our unit being the cause of all the damage and disruption to our neighbors, and am scared about being around them. And that's without even wondering if any of them are going to be transphobes and whether I'll feel a need to hide that part of myself while we're there. And it seems to be a place where it's not unusual for people to be out on their patios in nice weather, so avoiding them on trips to the dumpster on the other side of the small complex, for instance, will be hard.

Yesterday, though, I was finally able to physically deliver our finished schedule of loss to the insurance adjuster, so the time frame on that is out of our hands for the moment. Now I just wait and see what's next, and how long it takes them to look through it and get back to us.

Shit's been rough, lately.

I had to be away from social media for most of a week. Back then, I had spent a couple of days reading about the current research on Covid, trying to understand how dangerous it is in general, and how dangerous it is specifically for Miriam. I concluded that the answer is potentially very dangerous, if what Miriam has is long Covid. I'd had some hope that, maybe sometimes, with small enough groups of people, I could go out and do things, and I was working to accept the loss of that hope.

Then, right after all of that, Miriam went to work and people at her meeting were not wearing masks. That, on top of having spent the last two days reading about the dangers of additional reinfection, and reflecting upon the huge number of things I deeply long for that I am giving up, was too much to react rationally to. I was enraged. I was livid. In a later online meeting she was in, I heard the voice of someone who was in attendance and I was furious. And with nothing to really focus on, that fury turned into depression and feelings of futility.

There's a lot of depression and fear beyond the loneliness of Covid too. Every one of these things could get their own write-ups.
*Fire-related fear and trauma.
-Fear that a fire will happen while I'm away from the apartment and destroy my things and kill my pets.
-Fear that it will happen while I'm sleeping.
-Still not really over the loss of our cat.
*Gender dysphoria.
*Watching my partner deal with chronic pain, brain fog, and other symptoms on a daily basis.
-Fear that her symptoms will worsen and keep her from working, threatening my ability to stay with her in Canada.
-Frustration and anger that the healthcare system is failing her.
*Lack of Canadian residency.
-Inability to work legally.
-Lack of healthcare.
-Fear that I did something wrong with my application? Other people who applied when I did have finished the process entirely whereas I still have multiple steps left. .
-Fear that they found out I'm poly or transgender and will reject my application.
*Fear about finances and anxiety about spending money.
*Depression and lack of self-worth from Miriam supporting me these past three years.
*Can I even work safely and not expose Miriam to danger? Did I waste all that time and money on my MLIS?
*Inability to do things that were major hobbies and sources of enjoyment, including:
-Photography (all my gear is destroyed).
-thrifting (can't go to stores because of Covid).
-Traveling to see weird tourist kitsch (there isn't much of that in Canada, and getting to it would cost nearly $100 or more in gas to drive to).
*Cognitive problems on my part that leave me overwhelmed trying to learn more math or work with electronics. I wasn't like this before. Is it trauma, or do I have some form of long Covid brain fog too?
*Executive functioning problems in general. I have sometimes started crying when trying to figure out what to have for dinner because it's just overwhelming. Usually it's not that bad, but sometimes it is.
*Loss of my passport in the fire and inability to leave the country in a family emergency.
*Lack of money for consistent therapy (see being unable to work legally).
*My therapist is "over" Covid, so can she help me much anyway?
-Needing to find a new therapist?
*Trauma related to the condo. Will I be able to live there after the fire after it's renovated? Will Miriam? What do we do if we can't?
*Canada Revenue challenged our moving expense declaration from 2021, so we need to work on their paperwork.
*We haven't even finished and submitted our list of lost items for the insurance claim, and I have no idea how long that will take to process once we do. Will we be in an empty condo with no money for furniture?

Sometimes, it's hard to fight against the fear and trauma and anger and despair and be a functional human being. Sometimes I fail at it, like I did for a lot of the last week. In all honesty, if I didn't have Miriam, or if something happened to her, I would be absolutely lost. Sometimes that gives rise to anxiety and fear as I try to figure out what I'd do if something horrible happened to her, and I have no answer.

I keep reminding myself, and Miriam and I keep reminding each other, that life will not always be like this. These things will pass. It won't always be like this.

It's what keeps me going sometimes.

As I said earlier this year, that's really all I want out of this new year. To find myself in a position, at the end of it, where my partner and I can stop telling each other that life will not always be this way because it won't be anymore: It will have gotten better. That's all I want.

As of yesterday, we've been told, the cleaning and demolition is complete at the condo and they started the odor removal process.

Our adjuster originally told us it could be a year before we could move back. I really have no idea whether this progress is in line with that timeline or not.

I'm having a pretty hard time concentrating today, but it's better than yesterday.

I went out to buy shipping boxes yesterday. The shelf was empty so I waited for them to get a pallet from storage. Complications on their end led to that taking a long time and eventually they asked me if I wanted large ones for the price of the mediums I wanted. Though these are going to NL, I decided I could just pack towels and clothes in the extra space.

I finally got home with boxes and found that I'd left my phone in the store. I confirmed by checking online to see where my phone was, then went back and asked at customer service. They hadn't seen it. I checked the area by the boxes, then looked around the parking lot without success. I went back inside and the customer service person saw me and was nice enough to walk around with me while calling my phone. Another staff member found it and brought it over and I went back home, buying stamps on the way to mail my marriage certificate to get an apostille. I think the whole mess took over three hours.

Erik had invited me over, and I wanted to go, but losing my phone and all that time left me so stressed and tired out and conflicted about what I wanted to do that I couldn't seem to make any decisions. He reminded me to prioritize myself first and I decided to take a nap to try and sort my brain out. But then I remembered I needed to get that license in the mail, so I started on that because it would hardly took any time to get that all together. Except then I couldn't find the two copies of my certificate that I stuck somewhere, and I spent a while looking through everything for them before giving up.

What I *did* find was the wireless USB dongle necessary to move my computer into the bedroom. I'd been planning to do that for a while to make the bedroom into a single space that can feel more like 'mine' while stuff gets sorted and staged and organized and tidied in the rest of the condo to make sure it's all ready for a viewing at any time. I dove into disconnecting, cleaning, and moving all the computer stuff and the desk it sits on. I've got it set up in front of the window in my bedroom now and it feels really good to have everything there and organized and under control. I had to move the bed over six inches or so, and now I need to rearrange other furniture in there slightly to make it look better, but that's a minor issue. I have my sanctuary now. I spent a little while before bed building a house on Posi's Minecraft server; it was meditative.

Since Danae left, I've felt like I should be spending all of my free time sorting stuff and cleaning out the condo. I've felt like it needs to be ASAP and doing other stuff is selfish. In light of the craziness of the day and my missed time with Erik, I reminded myself that even in the event that the condo should sell *tomorrow*, It would only take a weekend with a rented truck to move everything in there into storage, after which I could go through it at my leisure. I'm making progress, selling, sorting, and shipping, and that's acceptable.

I'm going to write something to that effect on a piece of paper that I put somewhere visible in the bedroom that I can look at to remind myself that things are going to be ok.

On a similar topic, when both of my partners think I should make time to start seeing my therapist again, that makes me think they're right.

Current Mood: tired
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1351253.html

Getting up early for extra tidying didn't work out. Even though I was in bed a few hours earlier than usual, I slept until 5:30 instead of my planned-for 3:30, or even my usual 4:30, so I had to rush through morning stuff and jump in the car.

For no apparently reason, I cannot access Gmail on my work computer, or on the virtual desktop I can access at work via Citrix. Other Google stuff online works for me; I can get Google Docs and Google Calendar. I do not understand what's going on. I tried to add it to Outlook via IMAP, but I have to enable that option in Gmail first, and I cannot get to it.

I'm having trouble managing everything I need to do. I'm going to miss him a lot, but I need to remind the shelter to find a place for Rufus ASAP. Being in a crate for 12 hours a day isn't fair to him and I'm not able to give him medication on a schedule that's best for him.

I'm so tired and feeling overwhelmed by all the stuff at my place. I should be trying to sell some of it, but I just don't know. I thought I'd swiftly have all the stuff I'm donating hauled to Goodwill after Danae left, but I haven't managed to get there even once.

If anyone has extra boxes, by the way, I could really use some.

----

I talked to the shelter; they have been working hard to find someone who can foster Rufus, but he's quite a handful. In retrospect, I guess not a lot of people are willing to deal with an epileptic Chihuahua who needs medicine three times a day and who pees on stuff in the house any time he can get away from people long enough and who becomes a barking, snarling missile when he encounters other people and dogs...

I dunno. I guess I can't objectively evaluate dogs that way in the sense of whether I want them around or not. For me, if a dog isn't actively and intentionally trying to hurt me, I just want to love it and take care of it. Rufus has problems, sure, but I work around them.

Despite all of that, he's so sweet and loving and snuggly... I know it's a bad idea to have him around for the condo showings, but I can't let him go back into the shelter just for that. I am one-hundred percent certain that would trigger major depression for me. I'll put him in his crate on the far side of the bed when I leave for work for the day, and that will minimize his interactions with visitors. But I just can't put him back in the shelter.

I could use some reassurance about this. I'm not changing my mind, but it's weighing on me.

Current Mood: crazy
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1349017.html

So. Many. Bureaucratic. SNAFUs. Trying to move to another country 3000 miles away isn't simple.

Danae needs to pay rent at the end of the month. She can't get paid without a bank account. She can't get a bank account without a BSN (citizen service number). She can't get a BSN without immigration processing her. Immigration can't process her until they have an acceptable copy of our marriage certificate. The photo I sent yesterday is apparently not acceptable.

I'll need to send her money to cover rent, but I don't know if I can afford that right now because I'm also paying for the HOA dues and everything else on our condo which hasn't sold yet and I haven't done the budget planning yet to see when all that stuff comes due. My parents are going to pay for the car they are buying now and that will cover Danae's rent until she gets back-pay, but I have to get to Kenosha to get a check from them. I'll probably just drive up there tonight since I can use their scanner to scan the marriage certificate at the same time and leave one of my three copies with them for safe-keeping.

I also have to get some laundry done and tidy the condo up again in case there's a showing tomorrow, 'cause you never know.

I'm getting the muscle soreness in my chest that sometimes accompanies stress for me.

I'm 'wow'ing at all the news from Washington DC. It's going to be crazy.

---

These Mountain Dew cans with "tactical grip" are a single-handed indictment of late-stage capitalism as it keeps stretching more and more desperately to find strange new ways to market the same old crap to the same poor suckers.

Current Mood: stressed
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1348081.html

Danae is sending me emails talking about what she's doing and seeing in Amstelveen and Amsterdam. She said she was sorry if they were long and uninteresting, but it's exactly the sort of thing I've always loved reading from other people on Livejournal. I love hearing that she's seen lots of dogs, that one of the outlets in our apartment doesn't work, that she took transit to work and had trouble with a payment app, that she's looking at the architecture... all the little things that keep you connected to someone's life. I'm tempted to write back in the same way, though there wouldn't be anything very unexpected in the same way. We know each other's typical behavior and routines pretty well at this point! That said, I may do it anyway; it feels good to write to someone you love.

Erik came to visit last night. He helped me tidy the condo for a viewing (I can't begin to express how much he's helped me) and then took the dog out for a walk down by the lake. Rufus started out being his usual frenetic self, but, and to my amazement, Erik eventually got him to walk alongside us on a short leash and hardly bark at all at people and dogs around the area. I've always felt like I'm pretty good with dogs, but I think he's better with them sometimes and in some ways.

I have a completed marriage license to get to the county clerk. I'm a little confused about whether I can drop it off at a downtown location or not. I'm going to try after work, but if not I'll need to mail it because the other location that I'd try will be closed before I can get there. We thought we only needed a copy of our marriage record to get the visa for me worked out, but it turns out that Danae needs one to get her BSN (citizen service number in NL), and she needs a BSN to get a bank account, so this is suddenly time-sensitive.

Erik and I snuggled on the couch and watched some of The Dark Crystal. I'd never seen the movie in full, and when I started watching it at some point as a grown up, it didn't grab me. It helped watching it with someone who knows it and is excited by it, but I like snuggling enough that I'd probably sit and watch most anything while snuggling a partner anyway. The movie is really pretty! The plot is thin and it relies completely on fantasy tropes to fill in what's missing, but it sure is pretty! We didn't get through it all because I was falling asleep; maybe we'll watch the rest together next time. Also, I suspect Rufus was directly modeled on Fizzgig.

Other random bits. I'm glad I replaced my brakes with ones with replaceable pads. It took about five minutes to put new rear brakes on my bike over lunch at work last week instead of the 20-ish it used to take.

My plan tonight is to take a bunch of kitchen stuff and clothes to Goodwill. I wanna get this place emptied out as fast as possible in case it sells.

I have lots of leftover cake; someone should come eat it with me.

Current Mood: accomplished
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1347787.html

I'm on to basic questions in Duolingo. "Ben je een appel?"

Is there something I don't know about sentient fruit disguising itself as people in Amsterdam?

---

We have a condo viewing today! I hope they like the place!

Current Mood: hopeful
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1344688.html

I'm *sooo* sleepy and tired today.

Danae's parents were visiting for the weekend. It's likely the last time we'll see them before moving 4000 miles away and I'm glad we could get together.

Painters are painting the bedrooms today, so Danae and I had to move the half of my stock of medical books that were on bookshelves against the wall in the spare room. They are in a pile two feet deep covering a chunk of the center of the living room floor. Enough other tubs and boxes of stuff around that it's difficult to get around, but they should be able to go back tonight. Danae had the idea of contacting some book dealers to try to sell them in a lot and we've heard back from one who wanted more details. I'm hopeful.

I disassembled and removed the desk that served as my electronics work bench. It made me sad. I was really excited when I set it up. It was tangible proof of my increasing confidence in myself. I'll miss all my tools and instruments while I'm away; I enjoy fixing old electronics tremendously, but no vacuum tubes for me for a while.

In fact, the hardest part of this is the emotional attachment I have to things. My bike repair stand was another example of my self-confidence in fixing things. The cheval mirror from the entry way made me so happy when I found it at a Goodwill; I'd had an eye out for one for years. Books are really hard. I have an irrational emotional connection to owning books. Even though many of the books are ones I grabbed because in a sort of aspirational way, or because they contributed to my image of myself rather than because I thought I'd sit down and read them soon. This is helping me weed my collection to things that are more important to me on a personal level; my books on architecture, photography, electronics, and infrastructure are staying safe with my parents.

I think I'm writing about stuff in an attempt to indirectly express emotion.

I'm feeling scared and sad, and excited. I've always liked the feeling of wide-open potential that comes with moving, and moving so far with so little stuff is an intensified version of that, but it's also scary and sad. I feel love and support from Danae. I feel love and support from Erik. I feel love and support from my parents and family and Danae's parents. I feel confusion about what to do and how to go about this. It's so much.

As I sort possessions, I realize I feel fear when dealing with Danae's things. Often, when I tried to organize spaces and rooms in the house I shared with my ex, she would be upset with me as I asked her about what to do with her stuff, so I ended up feeling like there was nothing I could do about the clutter because it wasn't mine and I didn't know what to do with it and maybe neither did she, so I never had the space I wanted to, for instance, set up drums in the basement. Danae is not my ex and this is another situation where I need to remind myself of that from time to time to quell the anxiety and distress.

I want to see more people, but I need to spend as much time as possible at home, getting stuff organized. Erik has been amazing and has spent so much time and effort on helping us. I love him dearly. I'm going to get out to visit him this weekend for what may be the last lengthy visit we have before I move. I'd love to see other folks who want to visit, but I'm not going to get out to visit other folks much.

So that's where I am today. I have this Wednesday off and Erik and I are going to work on the condo with Danae. I have Monday off too for part of a longer visit with Erik.

Current Mood: crazy
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1343625.html

Thanks to tremendous effort and work by Miriam and Erik, the three of us have the condo officially listed!

This is where Danae and I live! At least, for the next month or two until we sell the place.

https://www.redfin.com/IL/Evanston/1111-Church-St-60201/unit-707/home/13582640?fbclid=IwAR2169PkhtWzXpRoS5KQoK1XgkPj5yJ1M5WEPt-rUmy-6_J8nkCInvEIuiE

Current Mood: accomplished
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1343301.html

Reminding myself that we're getting things done, even though it sometimes doesn't feel like it when I look around the condo and see how much there is to do.

I fixed the clogged sink yesterday! I took the U-bend and stopper out and cleaned them. Yuck!

We sorted board games into piles to sell, store with my parents, and bring with. We drove the games up Kenosha on Sunday and spent some time with my family.

Danae sold the table we used to keep the pet supplies on and I brought it out to the front of the building for pickup. It always amazes me when people pay more than $15 or $20 for used furniture. I'm used to thrift store prices.

I got all of the medical books that aren't worth selling gathered up to dispose of, but the dumpster outside is full so they're sitting on a book truck in the entryway.

I replaced the light bulbs in the kitchen with daylight spectrum LEDs that look great! The remaining old bulb was a halogen so I knew it would be hot. But it was hotter than I expected and started to burn me through the four-layers of folded paper towel I used to grab it. I dropped it and it shattered with a cheery *POP*, so I vacuumed the kitchen.

Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1341488.html

I just emailed the animal shelter to ask about becoming a volunteer.

I also tried to donate a dresser to the nearby Salvation Army store. They didn't want it. "Looks like sumthin's been eatin' on it," said the attendant, referencing the scratched up area near one leg. I took it to Unique instead, where they were happy to take it.

Current Mood: okay

I seem to have 16 pairs of jeans, not including the three pairs I'm going to donate (look Danae; this is me actually getting rid of jeans!). That includes a maroon pair and a bright red pair, which I may be wearing more often.

I finished going through the five bags of clothes from Syracuse today. Most of it is now organized in my closet, and I'm getting rid of a number of various things too. Accomplishment!

Behind the cut, there are closet pictures before, during, and after the organizer installation. It was just a single shelf and a single hanging pole. Taking things off the wall left big holes in the plaster that I had to patch, then sand, then patch again, then sand...

( Click for closet pictures! )

And now my brother is here so we're going to play some Master of Orion 2 or something.

Current Mood: accomplished

I've been playing a lot of Dance Dance Revolution since sitting up my PS2 here at Danae''s place. Watching me, she decided she'd like to do some dance games herself, but wanted one that has you doing things that actually have some resemblance to real dance. DDR offends her sensibilities as a trained dancer. *grins*

So she ordered an XBox One and a Kinect. It arrived today, and I realized that I am far out of the loop on current AV hardware. It hadn't even occurred to me that there would be no option other than HDMI for video. I expected component video or some other option. Not so much. Our TV, a 32" flat panel from a thrift store, has an HDMI port, but it doesn't work. I'm going to have to price some active signal converters to do the digital/analog conversion I guess. At least there's an SP/DIF audio jack so I don't have to manage extracting audio out of HDMI, which probably requires *another* kind of adapter.

I bought a copy of Chulip for the PS2 at a used game store, which makes me happy.

cranberrynomiko introduced me to it years ago and I always wanted to play more. And, because I am one who has strong connections between things and concepts and people, it makes me think of her, which makes me happy.

I hope I feel up to being more social and interactive soon. I've been really enjoying all my inward focused work on the condo and things, but thinking about outside focused work seems to sap all my mental energy. We were talking about my photography, and Danae said that if I wanted to work at marketing myself and trying to do a gallery show somewhere rather than looking for a job, she'd support me in that endeavor. The idea is really exciting, but it would introduce so many kinds of uncertainty. There are so many aspects to something like that and I don't know how to do *any* of them. I feel totally clueless about it. If I was in better headspace, maybe I could break the learning process down into digestible portions, but I think it's too much right now. Originally, I was planning to look for a job right away, but I haven't done that either; I've just dived into all the other things I've been doing. And the next thing I need to concentrate on is probably finding mental health care and, hopefully, getting set up with Medicaid to renew my prescription, which I will be out of in most of a month.

Current Mood: okay

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MeghanIsMe

January 2025

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MeghanIsMe

Entries tagged with condo

CO₂ in the Condo, Fragtime

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In the New/Old Place - Oven-related Panic

Sutff From Yesterday

Condo Updates

Trouble with Contractors

Condo Visit

Trauma Dumping, I Guess. Sorry About That.

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Sleeping late, dealing with Rufus

Bureaucratic SNAFUs, Trouble with Money and Paperwork

Letters from Danae, Erik visiting, marriage license, stuff

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Moving Prep Continues

Volunteering

Clothes and the Closet

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January 2025

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