MeghanIsMe

I had the idea of getting pawprint tattoos for all the dogs that I've taken care of, or who have taken care of me. (Both sometimes!) I've never thought bout tattoos in the context of actually wanting one so I'm not sure what changed, but it's something I could maybe see myself doing. Danae pointed out that if I keep fostering, that could be a lot of pawprints. Yes, it would be! They would be life-size renditions, so an array of sizes; from Chihuahua to Akita.

I started copying stuff off of my desktop to prepare for a Windows install. I've let a lot of pictures kind of accumulate there. To move the 200GB plus to my external drive will take about 8 hours. It should be done by the time I get home this afternoon.

I changed some passwords while at work yesterday and put them into my password manager. Then I forgot to send the database to myself so I couldn't get into DW or LJ this weekend. Oops!

Yesterday, I wrote:

I'm not quite sure what to do today. I want to work on my electronics project, but I need to order a socket*. The weather is warm enough that I'm thinking seriously about finally fixing up my bicycle because I'm really tired of not being able to ride to work. But the weather will get cold again. Still, it'll be warm this week, so that's probably what I'll do.

*The project includes a discrete transistor amplifier on it's own board. That board has headers that slot into the 8-pin socket for the LM386 amplifier. I tried to insert the headers into the socket and mangled a couple of pins. Now it doesn't work with the chip either."

At first I wasn't sure what to do yesterday, but then a number of things came along!

The most fun of the day was watching the Puppy Bowl with Danae and Lisa. There was a capybara! Capybaras are so cute! Not as cute as all the puppies though. Puppies! The Dog Bowl highlighting some older dogs was great too. I am a fan and will be back for it next year. If I can be organized enough, I'll make cookies shaped like dog bones. Maybe other food and treats if I can think of them.

Someone on Evanston Freecycle had two Ikea bookcases to get rid of so I drove over to get them. They were near us, in a beautiful late-1800s house on Orrington. The owner thanked me for being careful with the woodwork on the way down the right-angle stairs, and I said that it's such beautiful wood that I'd feel like a terrible person if I scratched it. Danae helped me get them upstairs using the dolly I trash-picked in the fall, I wiped off the water and grime from setting them down outside the car, and they're now waiting for assembly in our little hallway. The blood from my finger that I cut on one of the nails didn't wash off as easily though.

I got my studded tire on my rear bike wheel. I left the smooth Gatorskin on the front since it's still serviceable and roads aren't that icy right now. The chain, having been outside and unused since December, was rusted badly enough that I walked to the bike shop for a new one. Lastly, I adjusted the front derailleur again (it keeps rotating slowly around the seat tube, eventually making it impossible to shift to the smallest chainring) and all seemed well. I rode to work this morning and it was wonderful! The weather was Spring-like and halfway there, I took my vest off.

I'll need to buy a cassette of gears for the rear wheel. I do 80% of my riding in gears 2-5 and 2-6, and the teeth on those sprockets are worn down enough by the old chain that the new one is skipping significantly on them. I did most of my riding today in 3-2 and 3-3 and the lack of range was a bit hard on my leg muscles.

I remember saying, before I went back to undergrad, that I wanted to live by Kurt Vonnegut's observation that "Peculiar travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God."

That's been hard for me lately and I haven't been very good at attending, or even responding to invitations to, events that you include me on in Facebook. I very much appreciate those who continue to invite me and told them so.

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This six-part podcast series is enthralling if you have any interest in the similarities and differences between analog and digital sound, and the way society, groups, and individual people relate to it. How the change from analog to digital effects perceptions of time, space, love, money, power and noise, with one episode devoted to each. I've only listened to the first one, but I'm excited about the rest.

https://www.radiotopia.fm/showcase/ways-of-hearing/

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A dog was surrendered to the Evanston shelter while I was on my volunteer shift yesterday. She had scratches, scars, swelling, and oozing cuts on her face, as well as a bloody notch missing from one ear. She had clearly given birth multiple times by the stretching of her stomach and nipples.

She must be in significant pain and distress. Despite all that, all she really seemed to want was touch and affection as she pushed her nose against her kennel door looking for attention. When no one was in sight in front of her, she whined and cried until a volunteer appeared in front of her again, triggering a smile and tailwags and other clearly hopeful and excited body language. I wanted to climb into her kennel and snuggle the poor thing until she got to sleep.

This dog is one of the kind commonly called Pitbulls. Breeds aren't the problem. Humans are the problem.

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I drove today in light of potential rain which swiftly became actual rain with heavy gusts of wind. I'm glad I did. Target did not have rain gear when I went looking for it last time and cold October rain for 13 miles with no protection sucks.

And with the car here I can bring home a bunch of books I've been squirreling away during the weeding process too!

Apparently, no library job. So today, I started doing dog walking for Wag again. It's been two months, and I only yesterday started thinking about doing it again. I walked four dogs over a total of about 7 or 8 miles and made $75 before taxes (which I have to deal with myself as a 10-99 contractor). Close to 8 hours at $10 an hour, and I think I could manage more with a little schedule and geography luck. And I could keep doing it and still be able to help Danae with coding, housework, and other stuff. Dogs, activity, and income. I feel so good today! Which may simply be out from under crushing depression rather than actively good. But, to use a quote my mother read and passed on to me, not-a-toothache is a wonderful feeling.

I'm so heartsore. There are two Akita at the shelter and one of them looks so much like my Kuma.

A couple times, when I'd had a thoroughly awful day, Kuma and I took a trip in my car to get a giant milkshake and watch trains for a while. Today was by no means awful, and I don't have trains to watch, but I'll have some ice cream and be just a little bittersweetly weepy as I miss my dog.

I just took Piper for her evening walk and paid conscious attention to how I handle her. Most of my dog-walking time these days is spent with a twelve-pound, half-blind dog who's scared of manhole covers and has been known to trip over curbs. I love her, but I think she's lulled me into sloppiness. Once I get further past the uncertainty and lack of confidence I'm feeling right now, it's something I can learn from. It may take a while before I believe I merit a chance to show that, but that's the way my brain is broken.

Since starting my job, I've found it difficult to sit down and write about what's going on. I have a few topics to write on, but I'm tired and sore. I'm still getting used to all this activity. Thursdays even more so, since I work 9 to 5 at Red Door and 6 to 9 at EAS. All animals, all the time!

Another volunteer was kind enough to take a few photos of me with two dog who I feel particular connections to. Maybe talking about them here could help find them forever homes Feel free to share this post with people who may be interested.



This is Remy. He's a sweet, elderly greymuzzle who was surrendered by his owners after a bite incident that, as I understand it, was not Remy's fault. (It rarely is.) The shelter is a difficult place for a lot of dogs; lots of noise and limited human interaction is hard on them. Remy is a bit withdrawn there, but warms up when shown some attention. This evening, after I sat with him and petted him for a while, he began nuzzling his head against my hand, and then laid down for tummy rubs. I feel so bad for him. He doesn't deserve to be in the shelter, and it must be very confusing for him after over ten years in a home.



This is Penelope, a Shih Tzu who was recently found as a stray. I don't know what her story is, but she's had a rough time of it too. She's missing a lot of hair on her sides and back; enough that there's more skin than fur. It may be from stress or malnutrition.

Despite her great fear of this confusing new place she's in, she still yearns for interaction. When I walk by her kennel, she's always standing back away from the gate, shaking with fear but still following me with her eyes and head. It's hard for me to not feel deep empathy for creatures, especially dogs, who are so clearly in need of reassurance. I opened the door a couple times to pet and reassure her and she approached me to press herself up against me. She seemed to take comfort in the closeness. I held her on my shoulder, rested my head against her, and petted her for a while. When I tried to put her back in her kennel, she had absolutely no interest in moving from my arms. I wish I could snuggle her until she feels good about the world. Hopefully she'll find some forever people who can do just that.

Oh! And Piper is up on the EAS website as of tonight!

I have to tell you this story before I forget it.

I had three walks today, all pretty close to each other and timed with half an hour between. Easy to get to by bike. Yay! (I love having a job that lets me bike around the city!)

I got to the first walk fifteen minutes early and started looking for the lock box with the keys. I couldn't find one on the street despite thorough searching. Then it occurred to me to look in the alley. I found a Wag box there, but it was the wrong one. The client's code was four digits, and this box only had three. I tried using different three digit parts of the four digit code, but that didn't work. I walked around the building again and texted Wag to ask whether there were two clients here and if there was a second box I couldn't find. I called and left a voice mail too, saying I was worried about making my next walk. Then, because the client had texted me earlier in the day to give me some info, I texted zir to ask for a pointer toward the box.

Some time passed, during which I anxiously circled the building more times. Wag texted me back with the code I already had; the wrong, too-long one. Then the client texted me to direct me to the box. It was the one I'd already found. I said that I thought that might be the case, but Wag seemed to have given me the wrong code. Zie gave me the right one, which I passed on to Wag to update their notes. By that point, it was nearly time to leave for my next walk. I told the client that I was so sorry this had happened, and that I'd do a short walk right then and come back after my other walks to do a full one. Zie was happy with that, and said that as long as she got to get out and pee, all was well.

I got the keys from the box and looked for the door to the apartment. This building is like a maze. Three different sets of exterior stairs on each side of the building, and no numbers on the units. I tried a door on the first floor, then realized there was someone looking at me through the half-circle window at the top. I was so started that I stepped back, stumbled, and hit my head on the barred fence separating the building from the next one over. I tried a few more doors with no luck. I think I scared someone inside one unit, as after I tried the lock, I heard the deadbolt close. Finally, I went around the building and in through the front.

Vega, the dog I was there to walk, was an adorable, excitable, 30-ish pound, not quite fully grown puppy. Not just excitable; very excitable! So excited that when I let her out of her crate, she excitedly peed on the floor. I started trying to put her leash on her, and that got her more excited, and she made small puddles elsewhere, as well as in her crate. I figured I was going to be late if I walked her, and at this point she'd peed anyway. I cleaned up with paper towels, put her back in, and left for my next walk.

I made it there with five minutes to spare and looked at the info in the app. Several notes on where the dog was and such, but no info on access to the house. I looked around and found no lockbox near the front door. I walked around to the side and couldn't find one there either. I texted Wag. "Wag," I said, "I seem to have angered the dog-walking gods today. I'm at my second walk and there's no lock box, nor any info about how to get in. Can you help?"

I got a response from the client from my first walk, to whom I'd accidentally sent that message instead of to Wag support. Zie let me know I'd texted the wrong person, and that zie was sorry that the gods were not with me today. I thanked her, apologized, and sent the message to the correct recipient. Wag said they'd look into it. Meanwhile, I kept going back and forth between the front and side door, looking for a lock box. I went into the alley behind and found an open gate into the backyard, so I went in there and tried the patio door. I walked back to the front and passed a man who may have been looking at me suspiciously as he walked by. I contemplated how Wag walkers explain themselves if questioned by police. I sat on the front steps and waited.

Wag responded and said they had no info either and would try to get in touch with the client, who had failed to fill out the info. They gave me the client's phone number to try too, so I called and left a voice mail. No luck all around. While waiting, I asked how to handle my first walk. I wasn't sure if I get paid for doing the walk after that, but I just wanted to make sure that I wouldn't get dinged for a no-show or something. After a little discussion, they moved the walk to 3:00 so I could log it then when I went back. Yay!

Twenty minutes after the start time, I let Wag know I was going to my third walk. They said that was find and they would mark it as cancelled and give me the $10 short-notice cancellation fee for walkers. I wondered what was going to go wrong with my third walk. Fortunately, the answer was nothing. It was my fourth time visiting those two cute little fluffballs, and all went pretty smoothly. At one point, I was leaning down to adjust a harness and somehow the leash clip popped loose. I'm not sure what that was about, but I quickly dove for the ground and grabbed the dog. No real fear of losing him, but I did manage to tear a hole in my jeans and scrape my knees slightly. We had a nice little walk on the beach. Grover decided to roll in some bits of leaf, but I think I got most of them out of his fur. I got face-licks from Cookie as usual; yay!

I biked back to walk Vega, who was actually just a block away. I got back into the unit, let her out, and watched her start making puddles on the floor again. I figured if I stopped to clean up, she'd make messes as quickly as I could clean, so I got her leash on and rushed her outside.

We had a nice half-hour walk around the neighborhood. Puppies are just adorable! Everything is wonderful and fascinating! They don't quite understand how their bodies work or how big they are. Vega tried three different openings in a barred fence separating her from some pigeons before concluding she wouldn't fit. An elderly woman with a lot of dog experience stopped to interact with her. Vega was scared of a lot of things at first, but warmed quickly.

When the time was up, I walked Vega back to her building and tried again to figure out which door it was. The client asked that we use the back door to avoid annoying the landlord, and I knew it was on a fourth floor landing. I thought it was the middle set of stairs, so I started up them and Vega balked. I cajoled and encouraged, but to no avail. So I picked her up and walked up the four flights, where I arrived at the wrong door. That dog was clearly smarter than me. After we climbed back down and walked over to the next stairway, she happily climbed it with me.

We got back in and I gave her one of the treats the client told me were in the fridge for her. While she ate, I cleaned up the pee that was around. Finishing that, I filled out my report card for her people, and put her back in her crate. As I did, she peed on the floor again. So I closed her crate, cleaned up again, and left for home.

On the way up in the elevator in my building, I leaned heavily against the wall and then rested my head against the elevator panelling. That felt kind of funny, and I realized I have a small bump where I hit my head on that fence. Of course, when I got into the condo, Piper insisted on going for a walk!

I'm pretty tired, but in an hour we have a school colleague of Danae's coming over in for the first time for games, so I have to do some cleaning! And he likes Factorio too!

I've been part of the gig economy for about a week now and it's not too bad. There's some anxiety that's added to my life by having to keep an eye on my phone for jobs, and then trying to figure out as quickly as possible whether they fit my schedule so I can request them before they disappear. I've done a decent job of that, with only one oops so far that Wag! kindly let me work out.

I've done seven walks so far and now have a couple of recurring walks coming up that are, respectively, four times a week and twice a week, and I'm grabbing one-time jobs as appropriate. I've made about $120 so far, and I expect the amount over time to increase as I go, though this is before-tax income and I have to set that aside myself as a 1099 contractor.

I've walked little white floofballs, an elderly black lab, a good-'ol mutt of some kind who would have followed squirrels right up the trees if he had claws, and more. I've seen some pretty neighborhoods and gotten a good five miles of walking in on a couple of days. I've only had one really disconcerting experience. I arrived at a walk and looked for the lockbox that the instructions said would be there. I walked all around the building several times and couldn't find it. I tried buzzing the unit and got buzzed in through the gate into the courtyard, so that was a relief. But then I buzzed from the door buzzer and got no response. I looked all over for a lockbox and couldn't find one, so I went back outside the courtyard and walked around the building more. Wag support was helpful, but didn't have info. Finally the owner texted me directly to ask whether I'd found the key since she saw that the walk hadn't started yet. She directed me back into the courtyard (buzzing me in again) and to the door to the building. The key was tucked up and around the metal lip of a window-balcony to the left of the door. Said window balcony was positioned directly above a similarly-sized window-well for a basement window, so even if I'd thought to crawl under the balcony and look for the key, I wouldn't have been able to. I had to reach up and around the balcony lip to find the box. So I started that walk about twenty minutes late, but it was ok. She and her little fluffballs are my four-days-a-week walk, and she asked me to just keep her key with me. That makes me vaguely uncomfortable, but is probably the easiest way to do it.

So it adds some anxiety to my life, but reduces some as well. That plus the fact that Danae has had a lot of recent work for me to do that mostly involves researching things for her online or helping her code articles for research has given me a nicely organized schedule that helps me feel like I'm getting enough work done that I can enjoy some time to myself without much anxiety.

Most - well, all - of that time has gone to Factorio, where I've disappeared to for the past week. I'm going to get back to playing with electronics again soon though. Just kind of waiting for the initial flush of excitement over things like nuclear power and fluid tankers to ebb....

The shelter I volunteer at has a case of canine influenza. All the dogs who were not already infected have been boarded elsewhere and the ten or so who are left are coughing and sneezing, though not too badly off.

It was a long evening. Though you might think that if all the dogs are sick hygiene would be less of an issue, but it's actually just as important if not more so. We need to prevent any secondary infections. One of the dogs has pneumonia and is under the care of a vet; we want to prevent more such things.

So each shift, each kennel gets disinfected. We hose it out, spray it with antibacterial stuff and let it sit ten minutes, hose it out, spray it with diluted bleach and let it sit for five minutes, hose it out, scrub with soap and water, hose it out, and dry it. As some people take dogs out to walk them around, other people do the disinfection.

And because the dogs are sick, they have to stay on property instead of going to the nearby parks as usual. The lack of interesting activities and stimulation makes their kennel stress even worse than usual so their behavior can be difficult.

I walked three dogs. One wanted to zoom everywhere and wouldn't hold still. One got easily overstimulated when walking fast and would start jumping on me and nipping at my clothes. But the last one was wonderful. Harvey, a forty pound brown mutt (whose fur has surprising depth and beauty in direct sunlight) spent most of his in his kennel barking plaintively at volunteers. When I had him out, though, all he wanted was to press up against me when I sat down and snuggle. After a little walking, I sat at a picnic table. He climbed up next to me, pressed his head and upper body against my chest, and just sat peacefully with my arms around him.

We looked out at the cars and up at the stars and it was a deeply peaceful fifteen minutes or so. It reminded me strongly of a couple of nights I spent up in the Keweenaw Peninsula years ago with Kuma, my Akita. Nights there were lit with an incredible number of stars, and sitting with Harvey here in Evanston, even under a starless, cloud-filled city night, put images in my mind of being out in a wilderness with a big dog of my own. I didn't get to do that very often, but oh, I miss that.

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I'm taking many precautions to avoid exposing Piper to the flue. I wore a set of disposable booties and gown out of the shelter. I stripped them and my clothing off immediately after getting home and got in the shower. My stuff is in a garbage bag to be washed tomorrow. A less rigorous process seemed to work last week when the illness had just started and staff thought it was kennel cough, so hopefully that will be the case this time too.

I'm so tired. I thought I had more to say but I can't remember. I had meetings today with my therapist and psychiatrist. My therapist is graduating soon, and I'm thinking about finding another one. I visited my family over Easter and had a great time. Our housemate has talked about possibly fostering a baby. But I'll have to cover those things another time.