MeghanIsMe

I self-medicate with food, and I've been having a really hard time not stuffing myself to the point of real pain sometimes. I've been trying to be more active and bike more and lose weight for a long time, and I was getting somewhere this past spring and summer, but now, I don't know. I don't really know how to deal with what's going on in the US.

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I had a gender focused day a few days ago. Miriam and I drove to Tonawanda, NY to notarize and mail my affidavit to correct the sex on my birth certificate. I was waiting until I had documents to do a name change at the same time, but I decided it's time to get that done in light of current events. A friend there Miriam has known for a few years but whom we've never me in person helped tremendously. She then took me thrifting and was a huge help again in finding clothes, creating outfits, and getting them on me to try out. She's also talking about more thrifting and helping me put outfits together (which I've always had trouble with) and about helping me learn to dye my hair. I'm really excited about both of those things!

I found another weird irrational gender thing. I'm cleaning up, and crushing soda cans to fit in the small bin for recycling pickup here. Stepping on cans to crush, or actually, crushing them at all, them feels like a "guy" thing and makes me kind of dysphoric. I bought a wall-mounted can crusher, which does seem to help a lot. It also keeps empty cans from piling up all over, which is one less bit of debris to get in my way. There is *a lot* of stuff to get in my way down here. I'm working on it, but it's pretty stressful.

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Despite the state of the world, we need to keep taking care of ourselves. I need to keep taking care of myself. It's hard.

I got the flu and Covid vaccines on Tuesday. As always, I have no reaction at all (other than minor local muscle soreness which was gone the next day) to them, which always makes me wonder if they're effective. But I got them.

To sign up for the vaccinations, I had to list previous shots, and which vaccines they were. I can't remember details like that! I had the two original ones in the Netherlands, and a booster in SK before I had a health card so none of those are on any official record I can access. I gave approximate dates, and for the kind of vaccine, I wrote "I can't remember." That was apparently good enough.

Honestly, I was kind of annoyed when I've been asked which kind I wanted. I had the option in Regina, and I said that I didn't care, and they told me I had to choose one, but didn't have any information about the differences. What information am I supposed to use to choose one, if I haven't been keeping up with the literature? Isn't this what medical professionals are supposed to do?

It's good for folks who have knowledge and want options to have them, but the medical professionals are supposed to give me the best preventative available based on their knowledge and judgement, not based on my knowledge and judgment! I am not a medical professional! I actually trust experts, unlike a disturbing number of people out there who seem to think Youtube videos are the equivalent of professional knowledge.

A friend on FB said that the vaccines are of similar efficacy but some people have a strong reaction to one or another, and in that sense it's a matter of personal choice. I wish staff would have told me that. It made me kind of anxious to choose one without any data to make that choice with, and this process should be as easy as possible to get the most people to do it.

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On a happy note, four or five months ago, when I was looking for a swimsuit for the first time, I was terrified. I almost couldn't get myself to go to a store in person, but Miriam helped and encouraged me, and I felt pretty safe at Torrid, and I bought a one-piece swimsuit with a fairly modest skirt. I ended up really loving it.

And today? I am the proud owner of a two piece string bikini and bottom set. I will only be wearing that one around people I feel safe with, but I really love it too! And though Miriam came with, I was able to go into a women's clothing store that was *not* Torrid, and just look around and try stuff on.

Sometimes, something reminds me of the vast amount of progress I've made over the last years.

Not everyone wants to see pics like that, but if you do, let me know how to send them to you? I like sharing...

Got holes poked in my ears a couple days ago!

I'm happy with the location and the look combined with the first set. I was originally thinking of having them a little higher, but I think following the curve of the lobe is better. If/when I get the third set, it will look like an arc instead of a line like I was thinking of (and like Marin has in My Dressup Darling), and I like that. In retrospect, I might have liked the first set to be a little bit lower instead of centered on the lobe end. Or maybe not. No biggie!

I'm happy. And I was having a little of that post-pain euphoria afterward too. Floaty!

The piercer was great, and has good taste in music too. It was nice hearing Sufjan Stevens: someday I'll get copies of some of his albums.

I should note that this second set of piercings was a birthday present from my parents. They sent me money for it in November for my birthday, but I've been too crazy to get it together and get them done. I've been less crazy lately, and that's really nice.

In other appearance related news, a couple bralettes arrived in the mail for me yesterday too. I had a couple in the past, but have been without since the fire. I'm a little larger in that area than I was, and the bralettes have an actual shape when I wear them. Even better, Miriam touched me and said that, yes, they feel like breasts under that fabric.

Yesterday and today are the first time I've been able to walk around in just panties and a bra and feel gender euphoria rather than some level of shame like a complete impostor. I *so* want to walk around like this all day at home! But it's cold as hell where I am so now I'm wearing pajamas

I've meant to write about a bunch of stuff from the couple days I was visiting with Erik last week, but I wanted to get pictures to accompany the narrative. I haven't managed to do that yet, so you'll have to manage without.

One of the biggest things was that he took me to his local tattoo and piercing shop to get my ears pierced. I've kind of wanted to do that for quite a long time now, but never took action on it.*

I wasn't sure how much pain would be involved in the piercing. Erik's housemate said we should get my first piercing on video! It really wasn't painful enough to react much to though. The pleasant endorphin rush lasted longer than I expected too; I love that peaceful, mildly light-headed feeling I had for an hour or so after.

We also went shoe-shopping. After finding that the first Payless we tried had already closed down, we found another that still had a lot of stock. I was only interested in flats. Things with heels always seemed kind of silly to me. Why would I walk around on an intentionally sloped surface? It sounds like it would be bad for my feet, and at 5'11" I'm tall enough already without wanting to look taller. Especially if I'm presenting more fem.

Then Erik brought over some wedges with a two or three inch heel for me to try and it was one of the fastest mental one-eighties I can remember having. They were so CUTE and I instantly wanted to try them on! I ended up with several pairs of shoes, and advice from another woman with large feet who was shopping there on where to look for larger women's shoes. She seemed so excited to help!

We tried Torrid afterward where I found a couple of things on clearance; price-reduced, plus on buy-one-get-one. So I got another pair of even nicer wedges, and some knee-length boots!

This new relationship with clothes and shoes is strange. I've described it as similar to how I suddenly began to care about my hair once it was long. Before that it was a non-entity. My clothes were basically a non-entity for a long time after that, until I realized, with some help and encouragement from Danae, that among the many styles of jeans and pants out there are some that I actively liked! Suddenly, I had a preference for pants and could look for them at thrift stores. Wearing more fem clothes is a similar experience. I actually care about what I'm wearing, and it's new and fun and scary as I worry about getting it wrong.

It's good to have more shoes to choose from. I felt a bit awkward wearing worn-out old hiking shoes with otherwise light and colorful outfits.

*That's one of the awesome things about Erik, by the way. When we talk about doing something, his response is often something like 'Great! Let's plan a day for it!" He's been responsible for me doing a bunch of stuff that might otherwise just have been idle thoughts, and it's fantastic! Having someone who nudges me to get out and do things is just enough encouragement to overcome the inertia that often keeps me sitting at home because I can't get myself to just get up and do something even if know I'd enjoy it.

Yesterday was full of closet organizing! I bagged and moved lots of stuff that doesn't fit me and then organized several machine-loads of clean clothes that had been on the floor for a while. In the middle, I turned on my HEPA air filter in the middle because my voice and throat were suffering from dust. I also washed all my new clothes and hung them to dry on the folding rack. Tonight I'll put them away and feel all organized and content.

This Saturday, on a trip to the Field Museum with Erik, I'm going to wear some of my new clothes Nathan helped me shop for. I do not have personal experience as a trans-woman to compare to, but it feels like maybe it's harder or scarier for me to go out wearing clothes and a hairstyle I think is cute and fem but with facial hair than making an attempt to 'pass' would be. People unapologetically rejecting binary gender seem rather less common than people who adhere more closely to a binary gender category that doesn't match their sex. I will be seen by a lot of people as a walking joke. It's hard to weigh so many viewpoints against each other; how I want to look and feel to myself vs. how I want to be seen by people I care about (which I worry about too) vs. how I'd like to be seen by strangers in various contexts.

I think it might have been easier for me if I'd started figuring this out when I was younger like a lot of NB folks. Regardless of that, though, it's not going to get much easier very quickly given the current bitter fighting between society's progressive and conservative social ideals.

I'd like to think that a more authentic mode of self-expression will help me find more community that I fit in with. I'm not sure though, since I'm really bad at finding community in general. If I'm not putting myself at risk of losing my health and/or source of income though, (and I don't think I am, though I'm still a long way from trying to be clearly NB at work), maybe just being me will help me...be me.

Not that I know many local folks here, but as I posted on Facebook:

I've been putting off getting more fem clothing because I'm not the shape I want to be long-term. But it's not like I'm going to spend 100s of dollars on clothes; I do thrift stores.

Would anyone who knows fem clothes like to go on a shopping trip with me and help me figure out outfits and what would look nice on me? Everything else fem that I've done, like nail polish or pigtails or the occasional skirt, have been greeted by the world in general with a big lack of notice, and I've been left wondering why I didn't do that years ago. I don't want to be saying that in a few years time.

Former house mate N texted last night to see if I wanted to go to Macy's with him so he could use his gift card. At first I wasn't sure whether I wanted to go out, but I'm really glad I did; I had a really good time socializing over shopping.

We looked thoroughly through the deep discount sections. Nathan found a fantastic pair of white fringed pants. I found a few things myself. I have galaxy-patterned leggings that I kept not buying online because they were pricy. Yay! I have a pair of grey, floral-patterned socks too. I need more cute socks.

Perhaps best, I found a couple of more femme garments that I might actually wear in day-to-day life! I saw a top with really pretty bell sleeves. It was too small, but the sleeves inspired me to look specifically through the racks for tops with long and interesting sleeves and without a dipping collar. I bought two tunic-length tops/dresses with elbow-length bell sleeves. I'd prefer longer, but it's ok; I really like them! I got one black and one maroon; I'll post a picture later.

I'm feeling inspired to start thrift-hunting for more tops with longer bell sleeves. They feel ethereal in a sixties sort of way, and may be a good way for me to branch out into clothing more like the stuff I've always wanted to wear.

And, it being Macy's, we both got little boxes of Frango Mints. Mmmm.

I do not identify as trans, but as someone who is biologically male and not of the male gender, every detail in this brief piece about shopping for women's clothes as a trans woman is accurate about the fear and anxiety that I feel when shopping for traditionally feminine clothing. I've gotten comfortable enough that I'll at least look through women's jeans (not really because they're feminine, but because they can be so much more *visually interesting* than men's jeans!) in thrift stores, but I'm still nervous about that and can't bring myself to look at skirts or dresses. A few people have gone with me and just been present while I did so, and I am so grateful to them.
(Special mention to my housemate for giving me a lot of his old feminine stuff as well as having offered to go shopping with me!)

I'm getting dressed up for the Skype wedding I'm attending today. I didn't realize until an hour ago that the connection would be two-way, so I'm glad I have something nice to wear! My shirt is a recent thrift store find that I really love; it's blue vertical stripes with black floral embroidery. I wasn't sure about what to do for pants. I have chinos in khaki and blue, and they don't work. Then I remembered the suit I thrifted while out with Erik​ a while back. It fit me decently well at the time, but there's something weird about the way they hang now; baggy in the hips. Ah well; I'll be mostly sitting in front of my webcam anyway.

And there'll be virtual photos of some sort after the ceremony! That's really neat. I don't know if I can manage to stay that long; I have a counseling appointment today too. But I'll at least get to see the ceremony.

Living in the future is so cool.

I was a little anxious about taking the time for a long shopping trip, but I turned out to have been in the right place. As I was browsing the Salvation Army store, there were suddenly two big dogs wandering around the aisles. With everybody in the store asking anyone around them "Are those your dogs?" it was clear that nobody knew where they came from. They were very friendly and excited to get attention, so it was easy for me to get one by the collar to look at its tags. A couple who were there together were talking to store staff as I was trying to get the wiggly dog to hold still long enough to read the phone number. A staff member wanted to call the police, and the couple were vehemently telling him not to. The three of us got both dogs corralled. The second one was a little difficult since she didn't have a collar; they grabbed a belt from the nearby rack and I improvised a leash. One of the couple had called the number on the tag and got no answer, but the address was just across a street and down a block so two of us decided to walk the dogs back home while the third met us there with their car. I wanted to get a sense of the conditions the dogs were in and make sure they weren't breeding or fighting dogs; they certainly didn't act like it and generally seemed well taken care of, but one of them had a wound on her paw that concerned me.

It's funny; this is basically the same thing that happened when Danae and I were leaving Evanston for our trip to the Soo Locks. I, and another woman who happened by, ended up chasing an escaped dog for blocks back to its owners house, said owner having no idea the dog was gone. Keep an eye on your dogs folks; they're like kids but can't even talk to tell people where they came from!

It turned out the dogs had escaped the back yard through an open gate and the woman who owned them had no idea they were gone. I'm not terribly impressed with that, but I'm hopeful it was a one-time mistake. I suggested she get tags on both dogs since if they got separated one of them would have no contact info. This is particularly important since they were bull terriers of some kind, and I'm sure a lot of folks would freak out about them. That was another reason I and the couple (who do dog rescue, it turns out) didn't want the police called; authorities respond irrationally to bully breeds. These two were happy and enthusiastically friendly and I'd hate to see them get seized and killed. So I'm glad I happened to go to that store when I did; I feel like I did something really valuable and worthwhile this week!

It was a nice ride other than that. restoman had told me that there were a couple of streets in the area that are so steep the city has left them paved with cobbles to provide extra traction; I found one of them. John Street near 1st North Street. I thought the road my building is on was a climb, but this is the steepest street I've ever biked on. When I first saw the hill down the road from me, I thought I was looking at a wall. I love the terrain in this city!

I have bedsheets. I also picked up a second-hand iron for $2 (now I just need an ironing board...), a cylindrical cheese grater of the kind you use for grating hard cheese over food on a plate, headphones that fit my big ears and head, and a cute black fabric belt with a white heart pattern. I've never owned a belt that wasn't plain leather, and looking at myself in the mirror it's amazing how much something with a strong pattern draws focus. I really like it.

So let's talk about things that make me happy! There was talk about pictures of my jeans earlier?

This is a pair I bought a couple weeks ago, just before moving. I love the embroidery and beads down the seam! I've worn them a few times without comment, but I'm still not sure how the look comes across.



One more pair ( behind the cut. )