stormdog: a woman with light skin and long brown hair that cascades over one shoulder. On her other side, she is holding a large plush shark against herself. She has pink fingernails and pink cat eye glasses (Default)
We have results back from Danae's genome sequencing that point to avenues of inquiry for her health issues. This was the primary goal of getting her genome sequenced so that's a positive outcome. A few things that connect here:

First, she learned that she is lactose intolerant. This is something she had suspected for some time, but had not confirmed. It's a hard thing to face when you love cheese as much as we both do!

Second, she has a genetic variant called HLA-DRB1*1501. This variant puts her at increased risk for multiple sclerosis.

There is a connection here to her vitamin D deficiency. A few years prior to moving to Amsterdam, her vitamin D tested dangerously low. Her doctor prescribed a regimen of prescription vitamins to raise the level to normal. Looking at her records, a doctor in the Netherlands advised her that, if her D levels were that low, she would most likely need to be on vitamin D supplements for the rest of her life. She began taking vitamin D again, but her levels may have been extremely low again prior to that.

Of relevance here: one potential result of prolonged consumption of dairy for people who are lactose intolerant is damage to the microvilli in the digestive system in ways that make it harder for them to metabolize certain nutrients. Like vitamin D.

Here is the connection: the expression of the genetic variant that makes her susceptible to MS is mediated by vitamin D levels. So the longer she has low levels of vitamin D, the more likely she is to develop MS, or have it progress.

She has symptoms consistent with MS. The ENT she recently saw told her that her reactions to his exam were very abnormal and likely related to central nervous system dysfunction, which is what MS is. She got a referral from the ENT to a neurologist at the time she saw him, but now that referral seems more important, as doing diagnostics for MS seems called for. She's also going to talk to her GP about getting her D levels checked again.

So it's really good to have more information to go on. At the same time, as she wrote in her post on this topic, MS does permanent damage. If that's the cause of the chronic pain that's been seriously affecting her daily activities, then this is likely her new normal. Hopefully a diagnosis and treatment could at least address her symptoms in better ways than we've been able to and prevent or slow progression of the MS as much as possible.

Neither of us have expertise in these matters, obviously. But we hope that doctors will take a look at these results and take them seriously enough to take some action to confirm or reject them.

---

One paper on the topic of the connection between vitamin D and multiple sclerosis:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2882222/
stormdog: (Tawas dog)
There's good stuff in the world.

Danae is giving her first lecture as the instructor of a grad level course today and I am so proud of her! Yay!

I used to joke that I liked the gender subversion of being a doctor-and-mister couple instead of a doctor-and-missus. Now, of course, it would be doctor-and-missus again. Though I can't imagine anyone I know referring to us that way! Neither of us are a "Mrs." anything. (Actually, thinking about it more, I was identifying as agender when she got her doctorate, so I guess we weren't then either. Though I was still being perceived as male most of the time so in that sense it was a funny joke. Gender is so weird, you know?)
stormdog: (Geek)
Danae are playing a game called AI: the Somnium Files together. It's a murder-mystery plot set in modern Japan. It has its funny moments, but tonight was the best one yet.

An 18 year-old girl who's something of a Youtube (except it's not called that!) idol is involved in the goings-on, as are some Yakuza. The Yakuza boss, Moma, has some info that we want, but in order to get it he wants the chance to meet the idol (Iris, or her performing name A-Set). So we bring Iris to see him and the tough mob boss turns into a complete fanboy. We ask for the information because we held up our end, but he pulls us aside where Iris can't hear and says that before he tells us, he wants us to ask Iris if Moma can shake her hand. We say sure, no problem.

The two of us go back to where Iris is and our character, Kaname, says to Iris "Moma was just asking if you could show him your boobs."

Moma explodes "The FUCK dude?! I didn't say that!!"

Kaname then says "Actually, he just wants to shake your hand. Is that ok?"

Danae and I can't decide if Kaname is doing that thing where you ask for something ridiculous first to make your real request seem more reasonable, or if he just wanted to fuck with Moma, but we both had to take a break from the game until we could stop laughing.

On a different note, another thing I love about this game is Mama, a fairly obviously flamboyant genderqueer person (her in-game character file says she's gender neutral and prefers female pronouns) who owns and runs a bar. We end up talking to her semi-regularly and for a while, her gender and/or sexuality are, like, not even a thing to anybody. That's really cool. Here's her page on the game's wiki: https://somniumfiles.fandom.com/wiki/Mama
stormdog: a woman with light skin and long brown hair that cascades over one shoulder. On her other side, she is holding a large plush shark against herself. She has pink fingernails and pink cat eye glasses (Default)
A couple updates from today that I am shamelessly copying and pasting from Danae's Facebook page.

"So Chris and I managed to dayshift and got up at a semi-reasonable hour. We captured our kitty and put him in the carrier and went to Pet Valu, where we fitted him for a collar. It looks really pretty on him, and when he becomes less skittish, I hope we can get a picture to show you all how handsome and adorable he is. (ETA: Cute as it looks, we bought it so that we could attach a little capsule that contains our contact information in case he ever gets out again.)

We drove by Jysk, which is kind of like a cross between IKEA and Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and it looked low-traffic, so after returning the kitty to my parent's house, we went back out in the car. This time we experimented with running a USB-powered humidifier and AC at the same time. See, thing is, it's about 32 Celsius/90 F here, and the humidity is really high. So high, that I am actually pretty functional in terms of coughing and talking etc., if I am outside. But, I don't sweat much, so I don't cool down properly, so I overheat really easily. So it's all about trying to strike a balance between these things.

Anyway, we grabbed some tasty burritos and then ate them at some outdoor tables, and then put our masks back on and ventured into Jysk to try mattresses, couches, and feel linens to see if they were too rough. We were helped by a very nice fabulous gentleman who I assumed was gay by his mannerisms and rainbow glasses frames. We're going to try to get a canopy bed so my Princess (Chris) can have a Princess bed like she's always wanted. 🙂

By the time we got home I was pretty wiped out, so I lay down for a nap. Then my parents and I drove into Toronto to have dinner with my brother and his partner. Dave ordered takeout in advance and reserved the rooftop terrace in his new building, so we had a nice safe way to see each other for the first time in years. The temperature was dropping and with it, the humidity. That made it way more comfortable in some ways, but it meant that when I wasn't eating I had to suck on lozenges and take breaks from talking. 🙁

Chris took advantage of having the house to herself to go wild. By "Go wild", what I actually mean is, she played loud music, sang, and started packing the roof bag we bought for the car to give us a little more cargo space. Since getting home I have played a little Genshin, managed not to throw up from a coughing fit after too long in an air conditioned car, attempted to look up the specs on my father's computer so that Dave can buy him a car racing game, and run the wash. It should be done now, so I will move it to the dryer and then get into bed. A busy day, in comparison to what we've been doing the last few weeks!

----

In other news, Chris and I both had our own episodes of slapstick this evening. Upon arriving at my brother's apartment, my mother graciously told me to go ahead and use the bathroom first. All was going as normal, until a jet of water began fountaining out of the toilet bowl and onto the floor. I shrieked and/or swore loudly in dismay; I think I may also have told the water that I didn't want it to do that. Whatever I did say, it alarmed my family, and they started to inquire as to my well-being.

As they did so, my mind worked frantically. What could explain this phenomenon? I concluded that the toilet must somehow also be a bidet, and looked about for the controls. I found them, and flustered, chose a button-- any button-- in the hopes that it would stem the tide of water spraying onto the floor. It did stop fountaining out of the toilet bowl, so I thought I had turned it off, but alas, I was in error. I called out to my family, embarrassed, that I was fine, finished my business, and exited. But when my mother tried to enter, it was still leaking water on the floor. So my brother had to turn it off , mop up the water, and give my mother a tutorial on how to use the bidet before she could finally use the facilities.

Meanwhile, Chris was at home, packing clothes into vacuum bags. One of them came with a hand controlled vacuum pump. And, like you do, she was messing around with it. A lot. So I get home and there is a crescent shaped hickey smack in the middle of her forehead, of which she was totally unaware. "What happened?" I asked, concerned. Chris was puzzled, but once she figured out what had happened, we both had a good giggle over it.
stormdog: (Tawas dog)
Sorry for not updating for a while; 20 hours of travel and lugging all those bags was rough!

People's attitudes toward Covid at Amsterdam Schipol vs the Lisbon airport where we had an eight hour (ugh) layover are night and day. Almost nobody was wearing their masks correctly in Amsterdam. Dicknoses, as Danae called them, proliferated. In Lisbon, we saw just a few people who were *not* wearing theirs correctly. That, plus the fact that negative Covid tests were required to get in flights, plus the fact that we've both been vaccinated, helped us both feel better about the whole thing.

The 2 hour flight from Amsterdam to Lisbon was packed, but the 8 hour ride from Lisbon to Toronto was pretty lightly populated. One person near us had an entire center row of three seats to himself, so he spread out and slept. Nice! Seregil tolerated the ride fairly well, even though I was nervous and anxious about him and his health the whole time. I've never traveled with cats and I have this sense that they can be really delicate creatures. Though Seregil has been pretty resilient, 20-ish hours of travel is the longest he's ever had to deal with being in a carrier. Fortunately, I didn't need to worry. He's spending some time here in a closet at the house, but he's also spending some time exploring and visiting folks. He's going to be fine.

So we're settled in to Danae's parents' place in Hamilton. Unfortunately, Danae is sick and has been feeling progressively cruddier over the past few days. Maye she caught something on the planes. I feel fine, and her parents haven't gotten sick either which is good. We worried particularly about her parents when it comes to Covid and sickness in general; they are in their 70s and 80s respectively. Healthy folks, but at higher risk just due to age.

Her parents both really care about us, and I love being around her mother. Her dad is politically conservative, is a climate change denier, and can't understand the difference between fascism, socialism, and communism and seems to think that socialist public policy means Khmer Rouge-like mass exterminations. But if we manage to not talk about his ideas that make me want to scream, he's a really interesting person. He was a little boy in the London area during the World War II blitz, and knowing someone who experienced that is something amazing in itself. He was a draftsman for Ontario Hydro and is into vintage hi-fi gear, both things that I do my best to have fun conversations with him about. It's fun talking infrastructure and electronics with him! Honestly, if he wasn't Danae's dad, I doubt the two of us would enjoy talking with each other, but since he is and we (or at least I) am concentrating on the good parts of hanging out, it's mostly good. He's also trying hard to get pronouns right with me. (Though honestly it doesn't really bother me when he gets it wrong. Danae wishes I was better about claiming metaphorical space for myself, but I'm not.) Unfortunately, her brother has some very similar politics, and I'm not in a position to spend enough time with him to see his other sides. Fortunately, we typically only see him once-a-visit.

We're also beginning to plan our trip to Regina and the process of getting Canadian cell phones and all that fun stuff. Canadian pre-paid plans are completely ridiculous. Your funds expire monthly. It's like the worst parts of a monthly subscription combined with the worst parts of a pre-paid plan. They are also vastly more expensive than Dutch plans. In the Netherlands I was paying 13 euros for 6 GB and unlimited messages and calls. In Canada, it's $40 for 2.5 GB. And it expires monthly. Wow.

Ok, folks are getting dinner together, so I'm going to sign off for now.
stormdog: a woman with light skin and long brown hair that cascades over one shoulder. On her other side, she is holding a large plush shark against herself. She has pink fingernails and pink cat eye glasses (Default)
It's been a long while since I've caught folks up on life here.

The greatest center of activity right now is preparing to move to Regina, Saskatchewan in Canada. My partner is starting a new post-doc at the university there and I'm coming along. I can hardly wait to get out of here and go somewhere new.

I'm taking charge of planning and logistics. We don't have many large possessions coming with us: the board games and our desktop computers are the largest items. I'm packing clothes and games into double-walled boxes, ready to send comfortably in advance of our flight via an unaccompanied baggage service like we used on our move here.

I'm not quite sure where it will be sent yet. We've discussed either flying to Toronto to see Danae's parents, or to Chicago to see mine, before driving to Regina. We're also considering flying in to Calgary directly. The final decision will be based on what health-related travel restrictions and requirements are in place when we make final plans. Currently, I'm planning to make those decisions around the first of July, though I also need to see when trends suggest the cheapest time to buy plane tickets is because that will influence the timetable of decisioning.

We will be in Saskatchewan for at least a year, and possibly several. While we're there, I plan to apply for permanent residency in Canada. If Danae finds a tenure track job in the country or we otherwise end up being there long term, I plan to apply for citizenship as well, but that's a few years out at the earliest due to residency requirements. Having citizenship in a country other than the US will give me significant peace of mind.

With that in mind, I'm considering learning French via DuoLingo. I've taken classes in Spanish, Japanese, just a touch of German in high school, and before coming to the Netherlands, Dutch. For me, Japanese pronunciation is the most straight forward, followed closely by German and/or Spanish. Dutch is a little bit weirder, but maybe that's partly because I want it to sound more like German. Though the handful of words I know in German aren't even enough for simple sentences, a native speaker complimented me on my accent when I read a title for her to translate. French, though, is a whole different world. I have a vastly harder time with pronunciation than any other language I've tried. But it will be my first time learning a language that someone I live with already has some fluency in, and I think that will help a lot!

Here in the Netherlands, the weather has been gorgeous, finally, I'm still having a really hard time getting myself outside. I bought an affordable exercise bike and am trying to get daily exercise either out on the balcony or in the living room as I watch videos about civil engineering or games like Minecraft on Youtube. The bike supposedly tracks my speed and distance covered. It's numbers bear little relation to the actual speed and distance I would track on a real bike with the same level of effort (they are rather...generous?), but whatever.

I am finally getting my first vaccination injection early this afternoon! In just an hour or so, in fact. I just got showered and am going to hop on my bike at 12:30 to go to my appointment. Then I'm going to come home and sleep since I've been up all night. My schedule is pretty inconsistent.

I realize I often, arguably, bury the lede in long social media updates. In this case, I think that's because talking about it publicly is a big, scary step. But I'm transitioning to using she/her pronouns for myself. There's a lot to say about that in another post, but talking with the therapist I have been seeing for the last month and with Danae has helped me realize that's the direction I'd like to move in.

I haven't made any announcements, or talked to anybody specifically about it: Danae has simply started referring to me that way when I come up. She compared it to a soft launch of a new piece of software: It's not *officially* available, but it's kind of out there if you want to try it and know where to look. It's a way to test it and see how it feels, I guess. So far, it makes me really happy. I have a lot of cognitive dissonance surrounding it, related to my underlying belief of gender as a social construct that should really not exist at all. That's still there, but my therapist has encouraged me to let the rational things coexist equally with experiential, emotional things. And on those latter levels, it feels really good. I really doubt I will ever fully reconcile those things with each other in my lifetime, but that is ok. "I am large, I contain multitudes."

It's time to get dressed and check on my bike tires. 'Till next time!
stormdog: a woman with light skin and long brown hair that cascades over one shoulder. On her other side, she is holding a large plush shark against herself. She has pink fingernails and pink cat eye glasses (Default)
I rarely am away from this space for so long! Life is just so full, yet sometimes empty, at the same time. Depression/anxiety for the win!

My partner, Danae, has been having a dry cough off an on since we moved here. It was a lot worse recently: she was having coughing fits that would almost make her vomit or pass out and was using a rescue inhaler regularly. To make a long story short, she finally got to a doctor (we've been worried about Covid exposure, but I really wanted her to go) and got checked out. If it was Covid, it didn't show up. They did lung x-rays too, and gave her antibiotics based on borderline test results suggesting an infection.

But perhaps most interestingly is that this latest medical stuff combined with a lot of other long-term symptoms she's had have led to her thinking she has Sjogren's Syndrome and/or another connective tissue disorder. She was tested for Sjogren's once before and there were indicators, but she didn't think she had common symptoms like a dry mouth and dry cough. Thinking about it more though, she realized little things like how she always has to have water near the bed, and with her during the day. A lot of little things point to something like that and she's following up with a doctor next month. In the meantime, her cough has finally diminished to typical levels. Maybe it was the antibiotics, or maybe it just ran its course.

School is going ok. I'm having a lot of trouble getting things done before the last minute. That's the point at which panic of 'have to get this done' outweighs panic of 'I have to do this scary thing.' Fortunately, I have a letter of accommodation from disability services at Simmons about flexible deadlines for work and that helps a lot. I still do my best to get things in on time.

Speaking of school stuff, I just recorded a short instructional video for my class on reference and information services. As I wrote in the class forum, I was always amazed at how many med students seemed to have no idea how to use a library, so this video is for them. Though at this point it's irrelevant because Rush was moving to closed stacks as I was leaving!

I hope somebody in my class knows what trepanation is and gets a chuckle.

https://simmons.hosted.panopto.com/Panopto/Pages/Viewer.aspx?id=51807ab6-371e-4fed-a696-ad160148932d
stormdog: (Tawas dog)
From a pokesafari with Danae today. It started drizzling so we went home a little early, but I feel really hopeful about both of us getting outside.

A small leaf growing next to a dead log
stormdog: a woman with light skin and long brown hair that cascades over one shoulder. On her other side, she is holding a large plush shark against herself. She has pink fingernails and pink cat eye glasses (Default)
As I carried the replaced TV through the office to tuck out of the way in the back bedroom, I looked at my computer desk and made a suddenly obvious connection. I started to get things set up to connect it to my computer.

"Is it going to replace your smaller monitor?" Asked Danae.

In an incredulous tone, I responded "No...?" I mean, why would I do that?

My computer desk in my apartment in Molenwijk
stormdog: a woman with light skin and long brown hair that cascades over one shoulder. On her other side, she is holding a large plush shark against herself. She has pink fingernails and pink cat eye glasses (Default)
This weekend is not going as hoped for. Danae is feeling sick and not up to having the online belated birthday party we've been planning. She's rescheduling, but is sad about disappointing people. I am glad that she is making self-care a priority. That's important, and can be hard to to.

(I should note that Miriam does not have Covid. It cost €70 via a special taxi ride to the testing center and back to find out, but it seemed responsible and necessary. It's just a regular kind of ick. We've been doing our best (and a lot!) to keep from being exposed to anything, but if something had to get us, I'm glad it's something less dangerous.)

I am having some physical discomfort (I'll spare you the indelicate details unless you're curious and ask) that's keeping me fairly inactive. I want to clean up the place, but I don't want to aggravate the issue so I'll probably wait a day or two.

I'm still anxious about school even though it seems to be going well so far. It's hard for me to believe it's going well, or believe that I'm really caught up on everything, or that I haven't missed some assignment that I should be working on but am unaware of. But I'm going to do some more work on a couple school-related projects today and tomorrow.

On the plus side, we ordered ingredients to make chocolate chip cookies. I made them for her birthday and they were tasty! We had to order chocolate bars and break them up into bits for the cookies because chocolate chips don't seem to really be a thing here.
stormdog: (Geek)
I've been spending a lot of time together with my keyboard but today, for some reason, I was suddenly struck by how very grungy it was. While I did a surface cleaning (except the keys) with paper towels and citrus cleanser, I thought about how long I've owned this thing. The realization that I've been with Danae for about ten years now and that this keyboard significantly predates her bent my brain for a few moments. There are a couple Model Ms that I've owned longer, but I only took one keyboard with me in the move.
I'm thinking about taking all the keycaps off to wash individually and cleaning out all the fur and stuff in the keywells when I have a little extra relaxation time.

My Kinesis Advantage after a surface cleaning
stormdog: a woman with light skin and long brown hair that cascades over one shoulder. On her other side, she is holding a large plush shark against herself. She has pink fingernails and pink cat eye glasses (Default)
I realized I never said anything here about Danae and I visiting the emergency walk-in clinic a couple days ago. Everything is fine; she was having an extra-painful PCOS-related cyst. What really boggled my mind is that we had to take *off* our masks to be seen. Danae wrote:

"When I went to the emergency walk in, they made us remove our masks. Only people with COVID-like symptoms were allowed to wear a mask. They were still distancing, but that’s not enough imo. So yeah, I thought that was pretty outrageous. And they sounded so amused when they said it, like it was funny that we were trying to wear unnecessary masks."

All the countries in Europe and we have to be in the one that seems to be dealing with Covid *least* well. (Danae pointed out that Sweden is worse...)
stormdog: (Geek)
Everything we ordered for Miriam's computer has arrived except the M.2 SSD. As of the beginning of the week, it was about a week overdue. I contacted the seller who said they'd send another. They didn't give me tracking info though, or say when it would arrive.

My own PC has two hard drives that were in a RAID 1, but at some point the mirror broke so the second drive was unused. I took that drive out of my computer and put it in hers, made an SD card into boot media, and installed Windows 10 on her machine. Everything is working great!

Today, of course, I got a note that her SSD should be here this evening. I knew that leaving for the restroom at a restaurant causes your food to show up, but it seems the same principle applies to other circumstances.

---

Building this computer is so different from the ones I've done in the past! No optical drive. No expansion cards except the video card. No spinning media. It's like there's nothing in there!
stormdog: (Geek)
Danae and I are working on speccing out a gaming computer for her and a couple of things have really surprised me.

First, people are still putting PS/2 ports on motherboards? That's awesome, because it's easy to connect my older keyboards that I love. But does anyone who hasn't been using computers for five or ten years need one?

Second, why is there multi-channel analog audio output on motherboards? A single port for 2 channel stereo makes a lot more sense to me. Who's going to be using their PC for multi-channel audio but *isn't* going to just do it with the digital S/PDIF connector? Or maybe it'd even be over HDMI now if you have a nice AVR with HDMI capability.
stormdog: a woman with light skin and long brown hair that cascades over one shoulder. On her other side, she is holding a large plush shark against herself. She has pink fingernails and pink cat eye glasses (Default)
I want to write an update about my current physical and mental status. Especially since I use Livejournal/Dreamwidth as a way to see how life was going in the past, it's somewhat important to me to keep it up to date. It's been rough, though.

Mentally, I'm not ok. I have lots of support from Danae and am not at risk of harming myself, so it could be worse. It's hard to say exactly why I feel the way I feel; there's so much happening and it all interacts in complex ways.

I've been having bad dreams consistently enough that I've started feeling a bit nervous about going to sleep. Last night, at least, my dreams did not induce panic or tears, though it was still very strange and full of negative stuff. When I do lie down in bed, though, I often snuggle Danae and cry a little without really knowing why.

I've tried to get mental health care here. I had a referral to the right place, and I talked to someone by phone who said a doctor would call to do an intake with me. But since then there's been no response to my calls and emails. I am understanding, given the current situation. I did, at least, get my GP to renew my prescriptions, though getting out to get them is a complex process.

It's complex because Danae and I are doing our best to quarantine ourselves completely at this point. She has a cough and other Covid-19-like symptoms. It's relatively mild and she does not have a fever, so we think our best option is to act as though she has it. Even if she does not, having Covid on top of another illness on top of the fact that she has a history of asthma and is in other risk groups makes it just as important to avoid exposing ourselves as it would if we had it. I, myself, have not had any symptoms of illness and feel fine in that regard. Her being sick with something and me never catching it or not having any symptoms worth mentioning is fairly typical for us.

A so-far-healthy friend just dropped off a bag of groceries at our door for us, and I just finished washing all the items and putting them away. We've been making the transition to grocery ordering online but haven't gotten all the supply planing down perfectly yet, and Kate was kind enough to pick up a few things to get us to our next delivery on Saturday.

Physically, I'm basically ok. I'd been feeling better enough since the bike accident that I was starting to think I was being overly careful. Malingering, even, as I thought about still trying to find a job, or starting up with the bike delivery company that I injured myself on my first day with.

Then, four days ago, I reinjured my knee. I was simply standing up from my chair when I felt something move in a way it's not supposed to and found that trying to straighten my leg caused severe pain. I made it to bed and rested, occasionally trying different positions to straighten my leg out, hoping that whatever was out of place would pop back, but no luck. Finally I called our doctor's office. The doctor got back to me with directions to ice it and let her know if it was still bad in a few days. Miriam and I were both a little nervous about the situation, but given the pandemic avoiding any in-person contact if at all possible is best.

After a night's sleep, I was actually doing a lot better. I could straighten my leg again, though walking on it felt quite weird, in a hard-to-describe way. Since then, it's improved enough for me to decide to take a short walk through the nearby forest preserve (well, the Dutch equivalent thereof) yesterday. I saw some pretty things, smiled at dogs and their people from far away, and generally managed to relax a little bit.

I still don't have my bike with me. I vacillate between thinking I should just walk the 9k to get it and ride it back (I'm not ok taking transit right now) and convincing myself that walking 9k with an unreliable knee is a bad idea.

Because of all of this mess, we've decided that me working is also a bad idea right now, and I think that's part of making my mental health bad because I feel like I'm not doing enough to support us. Since Danae's condo sold we'll be able to get by on just her income, and me taking over all of the household tasks while she concentrates on work is a viable plan we've discussed before.

But I'm having trouble being functional enough to *do* all those tasks, so I have feelings like I'm a burden on my partner. That was even more true during the spans when my injury wouldn't let me do *any* household work that couldn't be done from in front of a computer and she had to devote some of her time to being my caregiver. One dream I woke from in panic and tears was about her deciding our relationship wasn't working and we needed to break up.

So I'm fragile at the moment and am not sure when or how long it will be before I can find a therapist here to see again. Other than posting pictures of dogs I see outside our window, I'm mostly away from social media. I have very little ability to control my temper in the context of current events right now, so being there is not really productive for anybody.

My mental health is also precluding me from staying as connected with Erik in many of the ways I'd like to be. I'm not in the mindset to make sexy videos or anything for him, and since most of what I have to talk about right now is related to my lack of cope, part of me feels like he'll end up feeling like he's being my therapist and I don't want that. We have been having our weekly Skype date, and that helps me feel at least a little connected with him.

But I do miss you all. I hope you're all managing to get through life too. Virtual, quarantine-approved hugs to all of you.
stormdog: (floyd)
Danae really loves doing one-shot LARPs. I'd like to do them with her; it's something important to her and I'd like to at least try sharing it with her. But it's a combination of things that make it terrifying. Mostly, it centers on being faceblind.

I like acting and improv, though it's been a long time since I did that, and improv was only in classes. But the fact that I just can't tell who anyone is is so scary. I've looked at event descriptions and character sheets and they sound like so much fun! I'd love to be a character I find interesting and explore that headspace. Interaction with other participants, though, frightens me. I need to react to other people based on what I know of their goals and motives and my interactions with them, but because I can't remember people by face, and there are too many of them for me to reliably do it by clothing or distinguishing features, I'm terrified of feeling the whole time like I'm stuck with a bunch of people who expect me to know them and I don't. That is, like every other social event I go to with more than a handful of people who I don't already know well.

This is why I love Coup, but hate Werewolf and similar parlor games. Coup is a bluffing card game that involves picking roles and calling out people bluffing to be a role they aren't. Lots of people say it's very much like Werewolf. I've never played Werewolf and don't want to because the idea of trying to remember what people said to each other and how they behave to figure out who the wolves are feels like an insurmountable obstacle. Coup is easy; I just have to know what cards are showing and think about what the odds are that someone is lying. They stay in the same place the whole time and there aren't many of them either; usually three or four others at most. (Interestingly, Danae loves LARPs and hates Coup, so maybe they're not as alike as a lot of folks think?)

I know a number of folks who LARP. I'm curious on their thoughts about this.
Another thought; how do people who are blind or otherwise highly visually impaired LARP? Maybe using similar approaches could help.

One relevant thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/LARP/comments/9zsral/larping_with_visual_impairment/

Unfortunately, the most helpful comment seems to be "play a blind character", which isn't exactly applicable to my issues.
stormdog: a woman with light skin and long brown hair that cascades over one shoulder. On her other side, she is holding a large plush shark against herself. She has pink fingernails and pink cat eye glasses (Default)
Off the top of my head, I'm not quite sure how long I've been in Amstelween now, but I am at last in a state where I can start keeping days straight!

It's about five-thirty in the morning here. I just got my first shower since before leaving the US. My options for water temperature seemed to range from 'alarmingly hot' to 'lava', but it felt wonderful regardless, once I acclimated. Shaving was a really good thing as well.

I don't have a computer monitor here, but the TV has an HDMI port (I was tickled to see that the TV also has SCART connectors; I've never seen one of those in the wild before!), so I'm set up in the corner of the room on the floor in front of the TV stand. Seregil is curled up in a ball to my right and has been his typical cuddly self since getting out of the pet carrier he was in for twelve hours or so. He was having some tummy issues after not peeing or pooping that whole time, but my innards haven't been terribly happy either. Things have mostly settled down now. We have a large (maybe 12 feet wide) window overlooking the street a floor below that Seregil just adores, and it's good to see him happy.

We are living directly upstairs from an electronics shop that makes me dearly wish I had my gear here. They sell components and tools, as well as the power cable and HDMI cable I went over and bought today to make the PC work. Looking at the shelves behind the counter, I saw that they also do repair on AV gear. I want to be friends! As have all of the handful of people I've interacted with here, the salesman (maybe owner; it's a small place) spoke English. Like a dork, when he asked how long a cable I wanted I said "Six feet?"

"I don't know feet," he said. Oops! I said that I'm so embarrassed that my country still uses imperial and that three meters would do.

The trees along the block my building is on do not look at all familiar to me. I will post a pictures some time when it's light out. I walked to Albert Hein, one of the nearby grocery stores, for some supplies for us while Danae was working. Folks were wearing coats and scarves, but I made the walk in a t-shirt; it's pretty pleasant weather to me. The grocery store is different enough that it will take some experience with it to feel comfortable. I'll probably write about that too.

I don't have a bank account or in-country debit card yet, but Danae gave me some euros in cash and I have my Transferwise card that I can put a balance in euros on. I also used that card to buy some hot chocolate at a vending machine in the Copenhagen airport. I wasn't sure if I could use it to pay in kroner, but it worked fine. (I'd thought the whole EU except England was on the euro, but obviously that is not the case.)

I did some cleaning and organizing this past day. I have emptied three of the six large pieces of luggage I traveled with and made inroads on the others. I've started washing all my clothes too, since I'm not really sure what's clean and what isn't after packing everything in a hurry. We have an in-unit machine that's a combination washer/dryer. I like the ease of use, but running both cycles takes quite a while and it's not very large, so getting through everything is going to take a while.

After reading up on how to deal with refuse in Amstelween (https://www.amstelveen.nl/at-home-in-amstelveen/publicatie/waste_waste-collection) I took some of our trash and recycling out. The collection area is right across the street from our apartment, and I was lucky enough to see a collection happen today. Refuse is dumped in above-ground receptacles that empty into underground bins. A sensor detects when the bin is full and a truck comes to empty it. The truck has a crane that picks up the entire bin (they look to be a few feet square by maybe eight feet tall) and lifts it out of the ground, dumping it into the truck through a flap at the bottom. So cool!

Best for last, it's just wonderful to be with Danae again. It will be a while before I get past all the mental distress of the past month or so, but a couple days spent with my partner here without having to worry about cleaning out a condo or packing all my things away is really the best start at it. Here I am with her, looking rather bedraggled but happy I think...

Me, looking rather bedraggled I think, with my partner Danae after arriving in Amstelween.

Hopefully I'll be around here more again as I settle in and I can keep my future self, as well as my readers, apprised of how it's going.
stormdog: a woman with light skin and long brown hair that cascades over one shoulder. On her other side, she is holding a large plush shark against herself. She has pink fingernails and pink cat eye glasses (Default)
Danae finally got paid!! Yes!! Now I just need a working debit card and we'll both be free of immediate financial worries.

I really really want all the expansions for Heart of Crown and Tanto Cuore. Someday...
stormdog: (Tawas dog)
This Saturday will be on online birthday party for Danae! She's in Amstelveen, Netherlands, so in person doesn't work. But if you'd like details on how to connect via Skype/Discord, or if you'd like to join me and my family in Kenosha where we're going to be hanging out, please let me know!

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stormdog: a woman with light skin and long brown hair that cascades over one shoulder. On her other side, she is holding a large plush shark against herself. She has pink fingernails and pink cat eye glasses (Default)
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