MeghanIsMe

I had yesterday off to do a few things. I brought Rufus to the vet for bloodwork to check on the level of the new medication. It was going to be quick, but an emergency came in. I waited a while. When it became clear to the vet tech that they weren't sure when Rufus would be done, they suggested I leave him there for a while and they'd call. I wrapped him up in a doggie burrito so he couldn't bite and handed him over. As I left, the receptionist noted that she heard Rufus expressing some opinions. "Oh yes," I said, "he has many and strong opinions!"

Waiting for Rufus, I figured I'd do a little work on the radio. Working on the AM side, I assembled the two IF amplifiers, the mixer and oscillator, and the antenna. This solder is fantastic! I was excited to find that it does, in fact, pick up AM radio. It's so cool to see something like that I made actually work, even if I just followed the instructions and only have a rough sense of how it works. But now I can poking it with my scope while looking at directions to understand it better.

As I finished that up, it was nearly time to get ready for my dental appointment. While finishing up with soldering antenna leads, I found out Rufus was done, so I hurried out to get him, came back, got into real clothes instead of sweat pants, and drove to the dentist in Morton Grove.

Four fillings, two crowns, and two root canals will run about $3000 after insurance. The fillings are more expensive than I was expecting because they don't cover composite (I have to pay the difference) and this office doesn't do amalgam. The rest, though, was in line with my expectations of item cost, though I didn't know how much of what I was going to need. Now I know, and I can start progressively addressing it as finances and things make reasonable.

I was feeling worn out when I got home so I had some food and played DoS 2 with Danae until it was time to volunteer at EAS. I walked Blaze, a 50-60 pound Pibble, around the park again. He's a sweet boy, but he's strong enough to yank me around pretty well. He's been good for me lately, but there were an unusual number of food wrappers and things around the area and Blaze *REALLY* wanted to investigate all of them. That kind of wore me out, but when I got home at quarter past nine, I still had to get packed up to visit Erik this evening.

I'm a bit tired this morning, but content with everything I got done.

I remember saying, before I went back to undergrad, that I wanted to live by Kurt Vonnegut's observation that "Peculiar travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God."

That's been hard for me lately and I haven't been very good at attending, or even responding to invitations to, events that you include me on in Facebook. I very much appreciate those who continue to invite me and told them so.

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This six-part podcast series is enthralling if you have any interest in the similarities and differences between analog and digital sound, and the way society, groups, and individual people relate to it. How the change from analog to digital effects perceptions of time, space, love, money, power and noise, with one episode devoted to each. I've only listened to the first one, but I'm excited about the rest.

https://www.radiotopia.fm/showcase/ways-of-hearing/

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A dog was surrendered to the Evanston shelter while I was on my volunteer shift yesterday. She had scratches, scars, swelling, and oozing cuts on her face, as well as a bloody notch missing from one ear. She had clearly given birth multiple times by the stretching of her stomach and nipples.

She must be in significant pain and distress. Despite all that, all she really seemed to want was touch and affection as she pushed her nose against her kennel door looking for attention. When no one was in sight in front of her, she whined and cried until a volunteer appeared in front of her again, triggering a smile and tailwags and other clearly hopeful and excited body language. I wanted to climb into her kennel and snuggle the poor thing until she got to sleep.

This dog is one of the kind commonly called Pitbulls. Breeds aren't the problem. Humans are the problem.

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I drove today in light of potential rain which swiftly became actual rain with heavy gusts of wind. I'm glad I did. Target did not have rain gear when I went looking for it last time and cold October rain for 13 miles with no protection sucks.

And with the car here I can bring home a bunch of books I've been squirreling away during the weeding process too!

I think this is the first week since I started this job that I've biked to and from work four days in a row. I felt only mild soreness when I went to the animal shelter for my shift yesterday but walking a mile around the park with a big dog who likes to pull put me in some pain. Maybe using already sore muscles in a wholly different way was rough on them. I was starting to have some trouble getting around, so I sat down with a little dog for a while after that.

I was terribly sore and achy last night as I tried to get comfortable in bed. Ibuprofen helped, but I decided driving to work today would be wise, as much as I wanted to say I'd biked all five days.

The shelter in Evanston has three elderly pugs who were owner surrenders. I don't know what their story is in full, but whether from lack of concern or lack of their owner(s)' means or abilities, they were not well taken care of. They smell bad: not just their breath, but all over. They're quite overweight, though I often let that slide as I consider an obese pet to be in much better circumstances than an abandoned or starved one. Other than that, the two 8-year-olds are typical happy pugs; that is to say, they are genetic disasters who could not survive on their own and who, fortunately, are not self aware enough to be upset about what humans have done to them. (One of the most wonderful things about dogs is how they can be in the middle of an awful situation and still be *so happy* just to *be*. It's inspiring.)

The 13 year-old, though, beyond the smell and poor diet, is blind and deaf. The poor thing must be confused and terrified. At least she has her two friends with her. But she's not just blind. Her eyes are...I don't know. Necrotic or something. They bulge disturbingly from the sockets. I don't know if she can even close them. They don't look like eyes; they're a matte reddish-brown across most of their surface, with bits of something resembling crusted mucus on parts of them. Her eyes move a little bit from time to time, but they are clearly not functional. I worry that she may even be bumping into things with them as she perambulates around.

Especially at first, she was hard for me to look at. Her eyes are like a claymation demon's from a horror movie. At the same time, I felt tremendous care and pity. After the walks were done, we took the three pugs into the front foyer to spend some time with them. I carried the blind one out and sat with her in my lap. She was terrified at first, shaking in my arms. I sat with her and stroked her back, head, and chin, telling her she was a good dog and that I was going to take care of her tonight. She probably didn't hear anything, but maybe the vibrations helped. She eventually settled down a bit and seemed to enjoy the petting. I slowly got used to looking at her face as she raised her head for scritches. She even licked my chin a few times as I tried not to think about her eyes that close to my skin.

I took a few pictures of her, thinking that I'd post them and talk about why the kind of inbreeding and trait selection that gives rise to some breeds makes them so unhealthy, but I think they may be too disturbing for people to see unexpectedly so I won't do that here. Instead, here's a link to the Adam Ruins Everything piece about purebred dogs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCv10_WvGxo

Pugs are adorable; I won't argue that. (Well, the ones that don't have horrifying defects or illnesses, anyway.) But their noses are so bizarrely upturned that not only can they barely breath, but they have a crevice of skin between it and the rest of their face that can build up ick in it and get infected. Please think about the lives some of these dogs have if you're thinking about what kind of dog you want.

I was exhausted last night in body, mind, and heart. After the first round of dog walks at the Evanston shelter, I honestly wasn't sure I could do a second, longer one. I was limping and achy from the days work at the other shelter and just wanted to sit and rest.

But I had a chance to walk Kona the Akita; it's amazing how motivation can change my perception of my limits.

And I only called her 'Kuma' twice....

This was a rollercoastery day.

I haven't said much about my job. This morning, I was criticized by the AM at work for a few things. It's a continuing pattern of criticism and some degree of micro-management by this person that's made me feel ashamed and unsure of myself semi-regularly. This is a thing I am prone to, I know; there's a lot of self-shame in my life. But this has been difficult. I was written up for something I did wrong last week, and this morning the AM said that board members were very upset at the meeting last night. They criticized the staff, saying that 'if volunteers can do [thing] better than staff, why do we have staff?' I've been doing a less thorough job than I was originally shown because I've been told several times that I'm working too slowly. That, I think, has led to me making some of the mistakes that I've been called to task for. Beyond that, I keep feeling like the only way I learn how to do a lot of things correctly is to do them wrong (in the way I thought I was shown) and be criticized. There's a lot of criticism and very little praise.

I called Danae over lunch and told her I keep thinking about going back to dog-walking while I look for another job. Maybe at a library. Something that doesn't make me keep questioning my own intelligence, memory, and competency. Another staff member is having a lot of problems with the AM too, and has been planning on submitting her resignation this week. She feels that the AM is very inconsistent in her directions and is more concerned about always being right than anything else.

Then, that afternoon, as the AM explained a new procedure related to the board members' issues from last night, she said that she wanted to make sure that she was explaining everything because she really doesn't want to write me up [again]. That I am a good employee and she wants me to stay working at the shelter. Suddenly, I felt like all was well in the world of work. I'm just so deeply and quickly affected by either criticism or praise from other people. Now, this evening, I don't know how to feel about the whole situation. Then, though, it was like everything had changed and all was well again. It makes me feel, in retrospect, unstable and confused.

Talking about it with Danae this evening, she said that it would be so nice if we could categorize people in our minds in terms of who has what access to emotions. If someone doesn't have authorization to elicit a strong emotional response, then we could just react to their words and actions rationally and not allow difficult or hostile people to hurt us. But we cannot.

I feel crappy, physically, because during lunch I bought and consumed a whole bag of Mint Ghirardelli squares, and almost all of a bag of extra dark Lindt truffles. I feel particularly bad about that because I'd been managing my food pretty well for a week, after a long period of abortive one or two day attempts at beginning again to do so. And at the Evanston shelter this evening, I ate several of the Twinkies and cupcakes that a volunteer brought, along with mini Milkyway bars and Reeses Peanut-butter Cups. I get stressed and comfort-binge. So it goes.

Also at the shelter, the shift captain told me that she wants to get me certified to use prong collars. After several weeks of major questioning of my own competence in the dog-handling arena too, that made me feel a lot better. The topic had come up before, and she had me walk a dog on a prong with her once, but then we didn't follow up for a while and I assumed that other volunteers were going to be doing it instead. (It turns out it will be several people, but including me.) It made me feel competent again, in a way that's very personal and important to me.

I dunno; I guess that's all I have to say for the moment. I have a dog and a cabbit to snuggle here.

It's been another difficult week.

I had another version of the school dream. I was wandering around the corridors of a school while classes were in session. I was supposed to be in a class, but I'd been too busy to keep up with it and if I went into the room the professor would find out and I'd be ashamed of myself. A few days before that, I had a dream bout being at the shelter I volunteer at (number 1) and one of the long-time people there was criticizing the way I was handling the dogs, with justification. I felt terrible about myself; that I'd been failing in my commitment to the animals.

I've been told a few times at the shelter I work at (number 2) that I'm doing tasks too slowly. Added to some confusion and conflicting information about which way certain things should be done, and some political stuff, I've been very uncomfortable at times. On Tuesday, I forgot my morning Bupropion pill and during the day I half-seriously wondered if there was so much stress there that I'd do better for myself if I resigned and went back to dog-walking. Once I was on meds again, things were more manageable. That day confirmed again how much these meds do for me.

So I'd better get over my anxiety about scheduling a new appointment with my psychiatrist. I had to cancel one after starting work full-time, and haven't managed to reschedule one. They've left me voice mail a few times, but I haven't managed to get back to them. (With Danae's help, I finally called this evening, but they were closed. I may have to call during my lunch break.)

My appetites for sleep and chocolate have been high this week. For several days, I've come home and fallen asleep on the couch until late, had some food, and gone to bed. I think it's more depression that sleepiness. I slept 'till nine again today, but I'm feeling better this evening than I have for a while.

I need to figure out a way to get myself to, as a habit, get on my bike for an hour or so after work every day. Being lethargic and depressed wastes more time than that every day so there isn't a time loss, and I know it would be good for me. It's really hard to do though.

Other things have happened that I mean to write about, but I haven't gotten to them. My uncle came to Kenosha to meet me at my parents' house. He picked up my grandfather's smithing tools and equipment for he and his sons to use. Not having used them for so long made me sad; I felt a bit like I was letting my grandfather down. I felt a connection to him through them as well, and will miss being able to touch the anvil as I enter the basement at my parents' house. But I'm also happy to know they will be getting some use, and my uncle described the arrangement as a sort of taking care of them for me until a day I might have space for them again. They're in good hands until then.

I went up to Kenosha on...was it Monday?...to pick up my Marantz and visit my family. I hit four thrift stores on the way north, and then my dad and I went to another five together in Kenosha and Racine. I'm happy to have spent some time with him.

We had surprise bunny babies at shelter 2. The rabbit was at the vet a week before, after it was surrendered to us, and they noticed nothing amiss. One morning this week I opened her cage and saw straw writhing around as though something were under it. I looked more closely and saw some kind of large, pink thing that looked like a grub. "What the hell?" I said, looking closer. The thought that there was some kind of giant bug in the cage really freaked me out until I realized it was three baby bunnies.

Since starting my job, I've found it difficult to sit down and write about what's going on. I have a few topics to write on, but I'm tired and sore. I'm still getting used to all this activity. Thursdays even more so, since I work 9 to 5 at Red Door and 6 to 9 at EAS. All animals, all the time!

Another volunteer was kind enough to take a few photos of me with two dog who I feel particular connections to. Maybe talking about them here could help find them forever homes Feel free to share this post with people who may be interested.



This is Remy. He's a sweet, elderly greymuzzle who was surrendered by his owners after a bite incident that, as I understand it, was not Remy's fault. (It rarely is.) The shelter is a difficult place for a lot of dogs; lots of noise and limited human interaction is hard on them. Remy is a bit withdrawn there, but warms up when shown some attention. This evening, after I sat with him and petted him for a while, he began nuzzling his head against my hand, and then laid down for tummy rubs. I feel so bad for him. He doesn't deserve to be in the shelter, and it must be very confusing for him after over ten years in a home.



This is Penelope, a Shih Tzu who was recently found as a stray. I don't know what her story is, but she's had a rough time of it too. She's missing a lot of hair on her sides and back; enough that there's more skin than fur. It may be from stress or malnutrition.

Despite her great fear of this confusing new place she's in, she still yearns for interaction. When I walk by her kennel, she's always standing back away from the gate, shaking with fear but still following me with her eyes and head. It's hard for me to not feel deep empathy for creatures, especially dogs, who are so clearly in need of reassurance. I opened the door a couple times to pet and reassure her and she approached me to press herself up against me. She seemed to take comfort in the closeness. I held her on my shoulder, rested my head against her, and petted her for a while. When I tried to put her back in her kennel, she had absolutely no interest in moving from my arms. I wish I could snuggle her until she feels good about the world. Hopefully she'll find some forever people who can do just that.

Oh! And Piper is up on the EAS website as of tonight!

The shelter I volunteer at has a case of canine influenza. All the dogs who were not already infected have been boarded elsewhere and the ten or so who are left are coughing and sneezing, though not too badly off.

It was a long evening. Though you might think that if all the dogs are sick hygiene would be less of an issue, but it's actually just as important if not more so. We need to prevent any secondary infections. One of the dogs has pneumonia and is under the care of a vet; we want to prevent more such things.

So each shift, each kennel gets disinfected. We hose it out, spray it with antibacterial stuff and let it sit ten minutes, hose it out, spray it with diluted bleach and let it sit for five minutes, hose it out, scrub with soap and water, hose it out, and dry it. As some people take dogs out to walk them around, other people do the disinfection.

And because the dogs are sick, they have to stay on property instead of going to the nearby parks as usual. The lack of interesting activities and stimulation makes their kennel stress even worse than usual so their behavior can be difficult.

I walked three dogs. One wanted to zoom everywhere and wouldn't hold still. One got easily overstimulated when walking fast and would start jumping on me and nipping at my clothes. But the last one was wonderful. Harvey, a forty pound brown mutt (whose fur has surprising depth and beauty in direct sunlight) spent most of his in his kennel barking plaintively at volunteers. When I had him out, though, all he wanted was to press up against me when I sat down and snuggle. After a little walking, I sat at a picnic table. He climbed up next to me, pressed his head and upper body against my chest, and just sat peacefully with my arms around him.

We looked out at the cars and up at the stars and it was a deeply peaceful fifteen minutes or so. It reminded me strongly of a couple of nights I spent up in the Keweenaw Peninsula years ago with Kuma, my Akita. Nights there were lit with an incredible number of stars, and sitting with Harvey here in Evanston, even under a starless, cloud-filled city night, put images in my mind of being out in a wilderness with a big dog of my own. I didn't get to do that very often, but oh, I miss that.

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I'm taking many precautions to avoid exposing Piper to the flue. I wore a set of disposable booties and gown out of the shelter. I stripped them and my clothing off immediately after getting home and got in the shower. My stuff is in a garbage bag to be washed tomorrow. A less rigorous process seemed to work last week when the illness had just started and staff thought it was kennel cough, so hopefully that will be the case this time too.

I'm so tired. I thought I had more to say but I can't remember. I had meetings today with my therapist and psychiatrist. My therapist is graduating soon, and I'm thinking about finding another one. I visited my family over Easter and had a great time. Our housemate has talked about possibly fostering a baby. But I'll have to cover those things another time.

Hank is a four month old stray at the shelter who looks like a St. Bernard and Border Collie mix. He's excited at seeing people outside the kennel, but is really shy about approaching once the door is open. I spent a little time trying to get him to approach me for a walk, but then another volunteer arrived who likes to walk smaller dogs, so I let her coax him. He's so adorable, and I feel so bad for him. I hope either his people find him or he gets adopted soon.

I arrived half an hour early this week since one of our senior people is in Japan on a school trip this week and next. I started in early, walking the advanced-level dogs and got through three before other folks started arriving. I turned on a tracking app while doing the longer walks later in the evening and found that I walked and trotted two miles through the park, just counting the longer 'second walks' I took two dogs on after their short 'first walks' and dinners.

One dog I took out for a first walk really really had to pee. I got him out of the kennel, but had barely gone a few feet down the corridor toward the outside door when he let loose in the middle of the floor. At least the floor gets mopped every night anyway and we didn't have to mop out the kennel! Another dog I was walking stopped to poop while we were within sight of another volunteer and his dog. I bent down to pick up the poop, but before I could do so, my dog blithely turned around and started eating it. I think the other volunteer almost threw up. I just commented, "Ok, no face licks from you tonight."

Near the end of the evening the shift captain took me out with her and a large energetic dog named Tyro who's been there for some time. I've helped with Tyro before, but he's technically a 'supervisor only' dog who regular volunteers don't get to walk. The shift captains have been taught by the professional trainer the shelter works with on how to use prong collars for difficult dogs. Tyro is one of those dogs, and yesterday evening the captain gave me a rundown of how to use the collars and let me walk Tyro myself for a little while as she followed along. Technically, she said, she's not supposed to let people do that, but if they tell her at some point that she can let her senior people handle dogs who need prong collars, then I'll already know how to do it. The recognition and appreciation I get there feels so good. And when I look at applying for dog walking jobs, as I think I may do soon, I'll have good experience and references.

It would be nice to have a job where I get a lot of regular exercise too. I miss that. I was so sore after getting home last night!