MeghanIsMe

I self-medicate with food, and I've been having a really hard time not stuffing myself to the point of real pain sometimes. I've been trying to be more active and bike more and lose weight for a long time, and I was getting somewhere this past spring and summer, but now, I don't know. I don't really know how to deal with what's going on in the US.

---

I had a gender focused day a few days ago. Miriam and I drove to Tonawanda, NY to notarize and mail my affidavit to correct the sex on my birth certificate. I was waiting until I had documents to do a name change at the same time, but I decided it's time to get that done in light of current events. A friend there Miriam has known for a few years but whom we've never me in person helped tremendously. She then took me thrifting and was a huge help again in finding clothes, creating outfits, and getting them on me to try out. She's also talking about more thrifting and helping me put outfits together (which I've always had trouble with) and about helping me learn to dye my hair. I'm really excited about both of those things!

I found another weird irrational gender thing. I'm cleaning up, and crushing soda cans to fit in the small bin for recycling pickup here. Stepping on cans to crush, or actually, crushing them at all, them feels like a "guy" thing and makes me kind of dysphoric. I bought a wall-mounted can crusher, which does seem to help a lot. It also keeps empty cans from piling up all over, which is one less bit of debris to get in my way. There is *a lot* of stuff to get in my way down here. I'm working on it, but it's pretty stressful.

--


Despite the state of the world, we need to keep taking care of ourselves. I need to keep taking care of myself. It's hard.

I got the flu and Covid vaccines on Tuesday. As always, I have no reaction at all (other than minor local muscle soreness which was gone the next day) to them, which always makes me wonder if they're effective. But I got them.

To sign up for the vaccinations, I had to list previous shots, and which vaccines they were. I can't remember details like that! I had the two original ones in the Netherlands, and a booster in SK before I had a health card so none of those are on any official record I can access. I gave approximate dates, and for the kind of vaccine, I wrote "I can't remember." That was apparently good enough.

Honestly, I was kind of annoyed when I've been asked which kind I wanted. I had the option in Regina, and I said that I didn't care, and they told me I had to choose one, but didn't have any information about the differences. What information am I supposed to use to choose one, if I haven't been keeping up with the literature? Isn't this what medical professionals are supposed to do?

It's good for folks who have knowledge and want options to have them, but the medical professionals are supposed to give me the best preventative available based on their knowledge and judgement, not based on my knowledge and judgment! I am not a medical professional! I actually trust experts, unlike a disturbing number of people out there who seem to think Youtube videos are the equivalent of professional knowledge.

A friend on FB said that the vaccines are of similar efficacy but some people have a strong reaction to one or another, and in that sense it's a matter of personal choice. I wish staff would have told me that. It made me kind of anxious to choose one without any data to make that choice with, and this process should be as easy as possible to get the most people to do it.

---
On a happy note, four or five months ago, when I was looking for a swimsuit for the first time, I was terrified. I almost couldn't get myself to go to a store in person, but Miriam helped and encouraged me, and I felt pretty safe at Torrid, and I bought a one-piece swimsuit with a fairly modest skirt. I ended up really loving it.

And today? I am the proud owner of a two piece string bikini and bottom set. I will only be wearing that one around people I feel safe with, but I really love it too! And though Miriam came with, I was able to go into a women's clothing store that was *not* Torrid, and just look around and try stuff on.

Sometimes, something reminds me of the vast amount of progress I've made over the last years.

Not everyone wants to see pics like that, but if you do, let me know how to send them to you? I like sharing...

Other than that, I regret not writing here more and just putting lots of short bits on Facebook, but writing things at length requires more of some kind of energy than I usually have, and putting lots of short stuff here feels like it would be annoying. I'm not sure why that latter part is the case.

The second appointment with Miriam's new rheumatologist is coming up next week. It turns out that the labs who do bloodwork here just completely failed to do one of the tests the doctor requisitioned. We've tried to follow up with the doctor's office a couple times, and they have finally figured out that the test never got done. They contacted LifeLabs, the place that does the blood draws, and LifeLabs said that test was not ordered. This has happened before, so Miriam had a picture of the req form on her phone to send to the doctor, complete with a big red arrow pointing at the test.

But at this point, it's not going to be done before the appointment, and if this causes another month or two of delays in diagnosis and treatment, I'm going to be very angry. I fervently hope, if that's what happens, that the doctor will make a special appointment to follow up after the test, but I'm not holding my breath. Miriam has suggested that maybe her x-ray results are sufficient for a diagnosis already and that's why the office hasn't followed up yet, but I suspect that's wishful thinking.

---

She and I went out to a local winter festival here in Regina called Frost. There was a stand making maple syrup taffy: she wanted to share that with me since it was something she had on field trips growing up in Ontario and I'd never had it before. It was fun. It was tasty. But the experience was also sad. The limitations she has going to things like this just keep reminding me that things will quite possibly never be the same for her as they were before the progression of this illness, and by extension, very often will not be the same for me either. I miss just being able to do something as simple as go grocery shopping with her without worrying whether the activity will cause her pain for the rest of the day, or if she won't be able to stay with me in the store because of pain. We did go to CostCo together yesterday and it was a nice little trip. Some days and some activities are worse than others at different times and it's hard to know why.

The winter festival also had a few metal firepits going, burning wood and making a cheery warmth and glow. I caught the scent of woodsmoke once and felt a surge of fear and did my best to avoid them the rest of the time we were there. There's another way certain things may never be the same for me.

---

Despite the above few paragraphs, my mental health has been better of late. Regular attendance at the weekly online Still Coviding group I've been going to, regularly having a group of people who understand a big part of my situation in ways that most other people don't, has been a blessing.

I've been trying to connect with other folks in other ways, but without much success. I wrote someone who posted on the Reddit T4T community who is on the US west coast and described herself as a "Covid-conscious cutie looking for flirty friends." We exchanged a couple of messages, but I haven't heard back in a couple of days. She's a little over 10 years younger than me, so that may be an issue.

I posted on the Discord channel for the local trans support group. I said that it's been hard for me to attend the online meetings because health concerns for my partner mean I need to minimize Covid exposure, and it hurts to listen to people talking about all the things they're doing that I can't do. But, I said, being around just one or two people who are masking is an acceptable level of risk, and I would *love* to have a person or two to get together with and which anime once in a while. I got one message of sympathy and an offer to talk, but no interest in actually getting together.

I've looked at other posts on T4T lately, but haven't found anyone I felt like making contact with. It's funny; I am actively wishing for flirty/sexual connections with other people, and I'm a lot less demisexual than I once thought I was, but contacting people who seem to *just* be looking for people to sext with, or to get on video for sexytimes with, is not appealing. I need there to be *something, anything* beyond that. And the ages of most of the people posting there means my options are fairly limited. But I'm still looking.

---

My mental health has been good enough to get absorbed in a couple of hobbies. It's really good to break out of the vicious circle of mental health not being good enough to get absorbed in anything that's good for mental health. I got parts together to refurb the vacuum tube-based audio generator I bought from a Kijiji seller last year, but before they arrived in the mail, I got started on coding LED control algorithms. My friend Posi sent me hardware to do some of that after the fire happened, but I just hadn't been together enough to figure it out. We got on voice chat together and he walked me through setting up the software, soldering some wires to an Arduino and an LED strip, and basic use of existing libraries to make them light up.

Since then, I've spent a lot of hours writing code. I still have a lot to do and learn, but I did manage to finally get trans colors scrolling up and down on the front of the case the way I've imagined since putting this computer together more than a year ago, and it makes me happy. In general, my computer increasingly looks like unicorns and faeries are holding a rave in there and I am pleased. Here's a short video of one of the effects I have working:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/fVvkrH4GTj8

---

CW: food/body/weight talk

I was managing my eating really well for quite some time, and am currently at my lowest weight since 2018 (which is still 40 pounds or so heavier than I would like) and I've been really happy about that. In the last week, though, I've had trouble again. I think it's possible that as this appointment for Miriam gets close, it's causing me a lot of stress, fear, anxiety, and anger at the medical system. It's so easy to use food to deal with those things.

---

Last but not least, I finally got that new piercing done that I've been planning to do with birthday/Chanukah money from Miriam's family back in November. I decided my mental health is finally good enough to take care of it, and I now have a helix done on my left ear. So many elf-girls in fantasy art have piercings in that area - probably a way for the artist to emphasize the exotic ear shape I suppose - and I want to have a pretty elf-girl piercing too. I'm also glad to have piercings connected to both my parents and Miriam's parents; that's really meaningful to me.

A couple updates from today that I am shamelessly copying and pasting from Danae's Facebook page.

"So Chris and I managed to dayshift and got up at a semi-reasonable hour. We captured our kitty and put him in the carrier and went to Pet Valu, where we fitted him for a collar. It looks really pretty on him, and when he becomes less skittish, I hope we can get a picture to show you all how handsome and adorable he is. (ETA: Cute as it looks, we bought it so that we could attach a little capsule that contains our contact information in case he ever gets out again.)

We drove by Jysk, which is kind of like a cross between IKEA and Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and it looked low-traffic, so after returning the kitty to my parent's house, we went back out in the car. This time we experimented with running a USB-powered humidifier and AC at the same time. See, thing is, it's about 32 Celsius/90 F here, and the humidity is really high. So high, that I am actually pretty functional in terms of coughing and talking etc., if I am outside. But, I don't sweat much, so I don't cool down properly, so I overheat really easily. So it's all about trying to strike a balance between these things.

Anyway, we grabbed some tasty burritos and then ate them at some outdoor tables, and then put our masks back on and ventured into Jysk to try mattresses, couches, and feel linens to see if they were too rough. We were helped by a very nice fabulous gentleman who I assumed was gay by his mannerisms and rainbow glasses frames. We're going to try to get a canopy bed so my Princess (Chris) can have a Princess bed like she's always wanted. 🙂

By the time we got home I was pretty wiped out, so I lay down for a nap. Then my parents and I drove into Toronto to have dinner with my brother and his partner. Dave ordered takeout in advance and reserved the rooftop terrace in his new building, so we had a nice safe way to see each other for the first time in years. The temperature was dropping and with it, the humidity. That made it way more comfortable in some ways, but it meant that when I wasn't eating I had to suck on lozenges and take breaks from talking. 🙁

Chris took advantage of having the house to herself to go wild. By "Go wild", what I actually mean is, she played loud music, sang, and started packing the roof bag we bought for the car to give us a little more cargo space. Since getting home I have played a little Genshin, managed not to throw up from a coughing fit after too long in an air conditioned car, attempted to look up the specs on my father's computer so that Dave can buy him a car racing game, and run the wash. It should be done now, so I will move it to the dryer and then get into bed. A busy day, in comparison to what we've been doing the last few weeks!

----

In other news, Chris and I both had our own episodes of slapstick this evening. Upon arriving at my brother's apartment, my mother graciously told me to go ahead and use the bathroom first. All was going as normal, until a jet of water began fountaining out of the toilet bowl and onto the floor. I shrieked and/or swore loudly in dismay; I think I may also have told the water that I didn't want it to do that. Whatever I did say, it alarmed my family, and they started to inquire as to my well-being.

As they did so, my mind worked frantically. What could explain this phenomenon? I concluded that the toilet must somehow also be a bidet, and looked about for the controls. I found them, and flustered, chose a button-- any button-- in the hopes that it would stem the tide of water spraying onto the floor. It did stop fountaining out of the toilet bowl, so I thought I had turned it off, but alas, I was in error. I called out to my family, embarrassed, that I was fine, finished my business, and exited. But when my mother tried to enter, it was still leaking water on the floor. So my brother had to turn it off , mop up the water, and give my mother a tutorial on how to use the bidet before she could finally use the facilities.

Meanwhile, Chris was at home, packing clothes into vacuum bags. One of them came with a hand controlled vacuum pump. And, like you do, she was messing around with it. A lot. So I get home and there is a crescent shaped hickey smack in the middle of her forehead, of which she was totally unaware. "What happened?" I asked, concerned. Chris was puzzled, but once she figured out what had happened, we both had a good giggle over it.

I haven't been around here in a while. It's basically because I haven't been together enough to write a lot about what's been going on.

(Having posted this, I looked at the dates. A month‽ Wow. That's probably the longest I've ever gone without posting something since I started Livejournaling. My perception of time has been a bit off for a few reasons.)

The situation here in the Netherlands has been pretty rough for both Danae and me. For her part, she has an emotionally abusive PI (Primary Investigator) on her post-doc project who has driven numerous undergrads and grad students from the project and has had an ethics investigation opened into her in the past here at UvA.

Danae has been on sick leave for a few weeks due to significant stress-related health issues and is discussing options with the department. If she is, in the end, forced to work with that PI, she is going to resign and we will move in with her parents in Canada. I'm doing my best to support here, and it's rough seeing her going through this.

Meanwhile, Danae is doing her best to support me. I have a level of anxiety and depression here that I think needs therapy to address, and that also make it hard for me to navigate an unfamiliar health system that defaults to the Dutch language. Though I don't have any responsibilities outside the house right now, feelings of enervation frequently keep me from doing the housework I ought to or want to be doing. I am managing to more-or-less keep up with having the kitchen clean and preparing meals for us in the evenings.

My lack of ability to communicate in Dutch combines with my irrational feelings of anxiety and deep fear about taking up metaphorical 'space' socially to make going out really hard. Every time I go grocery shopping, I have significant anxiety about being a nuisance to anyone I might have to communicate with because I have to ask them to speak English. In the US, I happily went out of my way to accomodate people who communicated in a way I did not and loved to be in places where I heards or saw multiple languages. When it's *me* as the one who is outside the dominant group, and especially when I think of the reputation Americans have for expecting everyone to speak English, it bothers me a lot. I know that this is irrational. There are folks who live here for *years* without learning any Dutch and get along just fine. But that doesn't keep it from bothering me.

I had been working on Dutch for a while with Duolingo, but between general depression making it hard to concentrate or feel motivation, and not knowing if we're even going to be here for very much longer, I stopped.

It's been pretty hard being so socially and physically isolated. I've never really had a lot of in person friends anyway, but here I've spent the last few months in the apartment for 24 hours a day unless I have to go shopping. I haven't been able to get myself motivated enough for bike rides or walks when sometimes it's hard to just get out of bed.

That's changed in the last couple of weeks though. Through an ex-pat group, Danae found a nearby person who is happy to let me walk their puppy a few times a week. They get free dog walking, and I get a litle time with a cute 7-month old poodle named Poesjkin. Win-win. The first time I went over to meet them, I was terrified. Literally terrified. I spent a couple hours on the couch beforehand, feeling panicky and occasionally whimpering. But I went, and it was good. Very good.

Poesjkin likes me and there's a nifty park near his people's place to walk and look at birds. I don't make it there as often as I intended to due to depression/anxiety, but I've been going a couple times a week for two weeks now and I'm pretty sure it's good for me. I'm so grateful to Danae for connecting us. She felt awful at first when she saw how scared I was, fearing that she'd pushed me into something I didn't want. In truth, whether if it was something I didn't want to do, I probalby wouldn't have been able to fight down the anxiety long enough to do it.

I'm pretty unhappy about my the state of my body. I'm doing a lot of over-eating, my go-to self-medication response. That combined with little exercise has lead to being heavier and having ankle and knee pain. My left ankle has been a little arthritic or something since a minor bike accident years ago and it's acting up with more weight. My left knee, the one I injured in my fall in Amsterdam, is being tricky when I'm carrying twenty or thirty pounds of groceries plus my own self upstairs to our apartment. It still has a circular scar-like mark and a numb spot, but at least it's functioning mostly well! As my sweetie Lisa says, it's not the age, it's the mileage.

I'm still glad to be in the Netherlands instead of the US. I'm stressed about what's going on there. No, I'm horrified. Or rather, I alternate between horror and a sort of disconnected numbness. My dad teaches high school, and is a high-risk person for Covid for a few reasons and the schools where he is in Wisconsin are planning in-person instruction. My mother would love for him to retire a few years early, but they're not sure if that's doable financially.

Meanwhile, anonymous people in unmarked cars are grabbing people off the streets in Portland, OR. People are threatening, or even using, lethal force against other people over whether they have to wear a mask. I just don't have words. I hope Biden is elected in November so we can try to turn this around. I hope it isn't too late. I hope we don't have armed conflict in the wake of whatever outcome occurrs. I am registered to vote from here and will do my little part that way, for what it's worth.

That basically covers the state of the dog up to the last week or so. Most of it is unchanged, though I've requested help from Danae to find the mental health care I need and she's doing so.

There is one last piece of major news. I may be burying the lede here, but I'm still pretty scared about telling anyone since my last school experience was pretty awful and I have a lot of stuff to get past from it still, and I'm feeling a lot of fear about telling people I'm doing anything new for fear that I'll fail and embarass myself...

But I've been accepted to my first-choice MLIS program. It is an entirely online program with Simmons University in Boston, MA. They are a highly-rated program, and I'm taking their concentration in cultural heritage management which I think is a perfect fit for my background and interests. They're giving me a small merit-based scholarship, and it looks like federal loans will cover the rest of it.

The day I got the news, I had to spend the next few hours in bed, being excited, terrified, hopeful, ashamed, determined, and bunches of other things all at once. I'm still working through a lot of those feelings too, but this has also given me some optimism for the future that I haven't felt in a long time.

Around St. Patrick's Day, I always think of my mother reminding me that though the Woods family (her side) is Irish, we are actually descended from Irish Protestants and thus should theoretically wear orange on the day.

Back at work after a very pleasant weekend spent with Erik, Danae, and by myself, in mostly that order.

The weekend trip was wonderful! I'll talk about that soonish.

Getting sick on Sunday evening with a bad stomach-ache that lasted through Monday evening was less good. I felt uselessly icky and was in bed through about 3 in the afternoon. I finally ate some mac-n-cheese and drank some milk, my first food of the day, because it seemed like it would be easier on me.

I'm doing much better today, thank the powers that be.

I also managed to thoroughly lose the SIM card for my new phone before inserting it, so I'll have to order another one. And the clip-on mirror for my glasses for my bike. And I forgot the badge I need to clock in at work. And I can't find the headlight for my bike either.

And I have this weird pin-point pain in my head that isn't a headache, and is intermittent, but feels weird and hurts if I touch it.

It's one of those Mondays. And it's not even Monday.

Woof. This is the first day this week that I've actually felt awake and up to doing something useful after work. Which means there is plenty of useful stuff that I really need to get on top of...