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Mar. 5th, 2024 10:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stormdogA couple days ago, Miriam and I were playing Baldur's Gate 3 together and I was hit hard by the sadness of not having had girl experiences growing up. One of the characters reconnected with a childhood friend, and they talked about spending time together in a hidden place that other people didn't know about, doing things like talking and braiding each other's hair. I just felt a twinge of sadness at first, but it kept growing and then I was crying on Miriam's shoulder as she silently comforted me.
I wanted something like so much, though I didn't understand that. Even when I was older, in my 20s and 30s, there were a couple people in my life who I would have loved to have that with. But to various degrees, I didn't understand that was what I wanted, and didn't know how to ask. I think I could probably have that now, finally, except for Covid, and missing it now hurts just as much sometimes, when I think about it too much.
- - - - -
The doctor appointment for Miriam came and we did not get a diagnosis. The rheumatologist has ordered more tests. MRIs, X-rays, and blood tests, including the blood test that the testing center failed to do last time for some reason.
Myself, I'm still in that sort of depressive span that I've been associating with the upcoming appointment. Maybe, since the appointment didn't resolve anything, I guess the anxiety and depression hasn't really gone away. In retrospect, I had so much more hope pinned on that appointment than I thought. And about half of it was self-centered hope that if we know what's going on with Miriam, we will have information to reconsider our precautions to avoid Covid exposure.
- - - - - -
I hear some of you are having warmer weather. While that's disturbing in itself in some cases, I am pretty tired of the winter here. We're in another cold snap and had a lot of snow over the weekend. I had to move my car to the street yesterday so the parking lot can be plowed, and there's enough snow on the ground to make it hard for Ella to find places to pee off of the sidewalk.
The temperature is -20C / -4F, so it's warmed up a little bit from the last couple of days. I managed to get out and buy a replacement car battery a week or so ago. The old one was on its last legs, and it's reassuring to know I won't have to go out there in weather like this and deal with connecting our jump pack to start the car, as I did a few times before that.
I wanted something like so much, though I didn't understand that. Even when I was older, in my 20s and 30s, there were a couple people in my life who I would have loved to have that with. But to various degrees, I didn't understand that was what I wanted, and didn't know how to ask. I think I could probably have that now, finally, except for Covid, and missing it now hurts just as much sometimes, when I think about it too much.
- - - - -
The doctor appointment for Miriam came and we did not get a diagnosis. The rheumatologist has ordered more tests. MRIs, X-rays, and blood tests, including the blood test that the testing center failed to do last time for some reason.
Myself, I'm still in that sort of depressive span that I've been associating with the upcoming appointment. Maybe, since the appointment didn't resolve anything, I guess the anxiety and depression hasn't really gone away. In retrospect, I had so much more hope pinned on that appointment than I thought. And about half of it was self-centered hope that if we know what's going on with Miriam, we will have information to reconsider our precautions to avoid Covid exposure.
- - - - - -
I hear some of you are having warmer weather. While that's disturbing in itself in some cases, I am pretty tired of the winter here. We're in another cold snap and had a lot of snow over the weekend. I had to move my car to the street yesterday so the parking lot can be plowed, and there's enough snow on the ground to make it hard for Ella to find places to pee off of the sidewalk.
The temperature is -20C / -4F, so it's warmed up a little bit from the last couple of days. I managed to get out and buy a replacement car battery a week or so ago. The old one was on its last legs, and it's reassuring to know I won't have to go out there in weather like this and deal with connecting our jump pack to start the car, as I did a few times before that.
