stormdog | Entries tagged with anime

I was a mess yesterday, for some reason. In FB I wrote:

"Anxiety is worse today and tonight than it's been for quite a while. I felt anxious and almost panicky driving around for errands this morning.I have my first appointment regarding voice therapy tomorrow morning at 9:15 and am anxious about everything and am having trouble relaxing enough to try to sleep.
I don't know why I'm a mess right now, but I want to be at the bottom of a cuddle pile with people petting my hair and telling me I'm a good girl and I'm doing my best and it'll be ok.
Gonna snuggle Miriam and my shark friends and breath."

That was some particularly bad mental weather, but the storm has passed, leaving just the usual clouds at the horizon.

I had my first voice therapy appointment today. It was primarily getting a baseline for the therapist on where I am in my transition and with my voice. It was interesting to look at the quantitative analysis of my voice after doing a recording and ask questions about it. I understood about 75% of the answers.
She said would have been very surprised if I hadn't already done some voice training or practice. Which I have, through those Youtube voice training videos I've mentioned. I have a second appointment in the new year and I'm really excited to get started on the work.

My homework in the meantime is to think about things about my voice that I like. Which is hard. But she talked about doing so a lot more broadly and about more than technicalities or the actual sound. Things like how I like reading to people. Maybe once I've thought about that for while, I'll write about it here.

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I just watched anime in which a high school girl made a bunch of zombies literally explode by reciting Lady Chatterly's Lover to them from memory. Train to the End of the World keeps getting weirder and I love it.
I'm still watching anime while walking on the treadmill. But I did, in fact, give up on Hidamari Sketch. At least for now. It was just...really dull. Some people really love it, and that's valid. I do not.

Instead I watched a couple episodes of something called Stardust Telepath. There's a girl who is terribly shy and socially anxious and finds it really hard to talk to other people. Becuse she has so much trouble with other humans, she has always daydreamed of meeting an alien and making friends with them. Then a new girl starts in her class who says she is an alien, and it seems quite possible she is. The Earth girl still has a lot of trouble talking to her, but the alien girl can use "foreheadpathy" to understand the Earth girl's thoughts while touching their foreheads together. It's really sweet! I'm not sure if there's going to be any romance, but it definitely counts as yuri to me.

Then, for a couple days, Miriam wanted to watch something with me, so it's been 5 episodes of Train to the End of the World. A technology company was ready to unveil the new generation of cell phone technology: 7G! But when it was activated, it entirely reshaped the world, turning people into animals, or making them tiny, or infesting them with mushrooms, or making them zombies. It's also possible that the entire rest of the world outside of the train line between Agano and Ikebukuro no longer exists, but we're not really sure? Four girls from Agano get onboard a train and make their way toward Ikebukuro, where the 7G thing started, and to find one of their friends who left Agano after a fight. As I noted, it keeps getting weirder, and I kind of love it.

On the manga front, I started reading the first volume of Goodbye, My Rose Garden. In Victorian England, a Japanese woman, Hanako, goes to England to meet a novelist whose work she loves passionately. She spends a month visiting the publisher every day, and is always turned away. Then, an aristocrat named Alice who also loves the same novelist meets her there and hires her to work on her estate. In time, during a discussion of the novelist's work, Alice says that she coul arrange for Hanako to meet him. But in return, Hanako must do one thing for Alice: she must kill her.

I think Alice is the ostensibly male novelist, personally. I'm enjoying this so far and the art is beautiful.

I watched an episode of Kashimashi today and was struck again by how much it meant to me. Not just because of the focus on the transgender main character (who is not explicitly called transgender, but absolutely is). I was in this messed up situation with my ex and her boyfriend, and I wanted *so* badly for the love triangle in the show to work out in some kind of happy way because I wanted whatever I was in to work out in some happy way.

I'm pretty damned happy in my relationship now (eventually I realized I *did* want to be ethically non-monogamous: just not with her), but I still really feel for these characters who were in a confusing, difficult situation and really trying hard to do their best for each other. I still wish the show had ended in a happy polyamorous V, but I suppose that's too much to ask for media of the time. If I wrote fanfic, I'd really be tempted to write a new ending for it.

The last week has been pretty rough for me, mental health-wise. It's a significant contrast to the few weeks before that. Yesterday, I decided that a significant portion of it is due to Miriam's upcoming doctor's appointment on Tuesday. That test isn't done yet, and even if it was, it's taken so long to get anywhere. I've had really high hopes that the new information from the x-ray will lead to a diagnosis and treatment, but as the date gets closer my anxiety about it has become serious enough to affect my day-to-day functioning.

I want so dearly for her to not hurt this much anymore. The prospect that maybe she will is devastating.

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Partly because I wasn't up to doing a lot else, I watched some anime yesterday. Specifically, the last 4 episodes or so of Do It Yourself!!, about a DIY club at a girls' high school and the friendships and connections between the girls who are part of it.

The majority was really light and happy, and there were often little tutorials about how some of the projects were being done, and it makes me happy to think that the show might help girls become more confident about their ability to make and do things. In that way, it was kind of like the way Long Riders! seemed to be inspiring girls to feel confident about bicycling, and I love them both for that.

Near the end, one of the characters, an American exchange student, leaves to go home. It turns out that her mother died some years ago and she lives with her dad, who's been quiet and withdrawn with her ever since. That was unexpected, especially given the tone of the show in general, and it really got me: I was crying my eyes out for a while afterward.

Serufu and Purin's friendship and relationship - seeing them openly caring about each other like they once did - had me crying happy tears near the end too. Maybe I'm prone to crying a lot right now though.
On a lighter note, the American exchange student is supposedly a native English speaker, and she says lots of things in English throughout the show. Friends, her English is *hilariously* bad. I got so many laughs out of listening to this "native English speaker" saying things in English that many native speakers wouldn't have a clue about the meaning of.

But then I thought about creating a show in the US with a Japanese character from Japan who supposedly speaks excellent Japanese but is played by an actor who has no Japanese fluency whatsoever, and it felt kind of awkward.

One last thing that I loved: one of the girls' parents run a hardware store called Waku Waku Wan Wan, which more or less translates to "excited barking," and the shop's logo is a dog holding a hammer in its mouth. I want to shop there!

I bought a network media player at the thrift store and it does exactly what I wanted: I can play music and videos from my computer on the TV and/or receiver. Great!

So I tested it out by watching the beginning (which turned into the first half or so) of Project A-ko, which I haven't seen any of since before transitioning, and I had Thoughts about it.

This movie has some real problems in terms of the way gender is treated, and also problems with stereotyping of Black appearance (which I will admit I was *completely* oblivious to until Miriam pointed it out). I acknowledge those problems, but this isn't about that.

I first saw this movie in the edited, English version on TV - maybe it was the Sci-fi channel? - and have loved it ever since. It's so *bizarre*. It's so *surreal*, and those have been elements I've appreciated in media for as long as I can remember. But watching it again, now, it strikes me that this is, by at least some measures, yuri.

Years ago, when I was still with my ex, I bought a boxed set of Kashi Mashi at Best Buy. I loved that show for a lot of reasons, including several that were deeply personal. It was only a while after transitioning and learning what yuri media is and how much I love it that I realized that Kashi Mashi, one of the anime that is near the top of my list in terms of personal meaning and connection, is yuri. I've thought about the implications about this kind of media being what I connected with long before I realized I was something other than cis, and about how there were signs for a long time. I'd never thought about there being any media like that before then.

But I saw Project A-ko for the first time probably as long before I saw Kashi Mashi as my first viewing of Kashi Mashi was before the present. I think I was in high school. I loved it for reasons I was conscious of, but maybe there was a reason I wasn't conscious of: it's a story about two girls fighting over the love of a third. (And aliens, and super powers, and giant robots, but that's beside the point.) I remember one of my parents' friends commenting that the Western dub/edit had removed "lesbian subtext" that was there in the original version and wondering what that subtext was. Having seen the Japanese sub, there isn't subtext: there's text. This love for B-ko and jealousy of A-ko on the part of C-ko (Yes, they are more-or-less literally named "Girl A, Girl B, and Girl C) drives one of the primary conflicts of the entire movie. Women loving women are the people I identify with and feel attraction to, and maybe they always have been since before I figured that out.

I dunno. I don't have any huge thoughts or revelations about this all, but it's one of those things that I think I'm going to be thinking about for a long time.

I've watched a few episodes of Sweet Blue Flowers and I have Feelings about Fumi. She is essentially me in high school, and I empathize with her so deeply. And she is just as completely confused and scared about someone asking her out as I would have been.

I think it would be easy for her to be pushed into doing something she didn't want to by someone who really had no reason to think they were pushing too much. I can relate to that too.

Because people with mental illnesses can be really bad at following up on things, I was out of my meds for about a week. I finally got in to see the doctor who is managing my HRT and she renewed all the things for me and I'm hoping I will be a bit more stable being back on bupropion as an anti-depressant. Seeing Dr. Clark was affirming and reassuring and just wonderful as always. She really is a provincial treasure.

I was still kind of crashy yesterday evening even though I had a fantastic experience at the optometrist.
The doctor and her staff were all wearing masks. This is why we chose the place, but it was still just fabulous to see. Everyone was super supportive in their interactions with me. Being with Miriam, we both talked a bunch about face appearance stuff with one of the staff members, and she gave us a recommendation for somewhere for eyebrow threading. All my interactions with them were positive and gender affirming and it was just wonderful. I told the doctor about what I was doing in grad school in Syracuse and she asked me to "please run for mayor." *laughs*

Still, there was a lot of social time when I'm not used to that and it was kind of exhausting. I napped when I got home and then did a bunch of laundry (or maybe it was the other way around?) and that helped, but I was still down afterward. I sat next to Miriam and tried watching an anime series called Dragon Goes House Hunting because it seemed fun, but it actually made me cry a lot. The dragon, who is written as though he's about 10 years old, gets kicked out of his house and is attacked by various groups, including dwarves who want to vivisect him. He keeps getting away, but he's so sad and scared and lonely and just wants to go home and it hurt my heart.

At the end, he meets the elf he's been looking for who runs a construction and real estate company (I think?). The elf finds him while a group of self-proclaimed "heroes" is harassing him and shooting arrows at him because he is an evil creature who must be destroyed.

At the end of the first episode, the elf uses some kind of magic that near instantaneously leaves the heroes as a smouldering pile of bones and armor, and I was pleased. I still cried on Miriam's shoulder for a while after. Maybe it'll be less hard on me when I'm in better headspace and am more regulated by meds.

Miriam and I drove to Saskatoon to see a second rheumatologist in the ongoing pursuit of a diagnosis for her. We are both cautiously optimistic about her. While we were in Saskatoon, we went to the zoo for an hour before they closed too! Over the winter, they do admission by donation, and there is a lot of outdoor stuff that's pretty Covid safe. Little Meghan has wanted to go to a zoo for a long time (I used to bike to Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago sometimes and I really miss that), and we both had a really fun time looking at cute aminals. The dingoes kept trying to sniff and lick our hands through the glass of their enclosure.

So now I'm waiting to hear back on the job, and trying to be a bit less crazy. And making cookies. Right now, this moment, I am cooking cookies!

I managed to get back to exercising today and watched two episodes of Citrus on the treadmill. I've found a series I can take off my to watch/to read list! This is way too rapey for me. Beyond that - and this is not talking about everyone who enjoys the show: it's valid to enjoy this kind of media - the people in comments handwaving it away because it's two women, among other reasons, is pretty disgusting and is so exemplary of the toxic nature of certain subsets of Japanese media fans, and of society in general.

The condo is well insulated and sealed, judging by the fact that the CO₂ levels reach above 1800 ppm (typical atmospheric levels are around 400 ppm, which itself is an increase of about 50% since the start of the industrial revolution, according to Wikipedia) while I'm walking on the treadmill. Even without someone exercising, it sits around 1200 ppm with all the windows closed. Good for saving money on heat, but less so for people in it. The lack of ventilation raises the risk of Covid transmission as well.

I watched Fragtime today. The stopping time thing isn't really novel, and I don't really feel like the story was either. The ending felt abrupt, too. At least it had an ending!

Wait, what? That was the end? How was that the end? There was no end at the end!

No! It doesn't go to the end of the manga, and they're probably not making more! This is not ok. I am not ok. Nooooooo!

At least I have most of the manga already....

But this anime was beautiful! Even just in terms of pure aesthetics, it was gorgeous! And all together, the plot, the characters, the voice acting, I was so invested in this. We were just starting to see glimmers of Touko and Yuu connecting with themselves and each other as their real selves. Maybe this is how other people felt about Firefly not being renewed... I mean, I loved Firefly from the perspective of it being really novel sci-fi that was inclusive of some really interesting viewpoints on things like relationships, but I don't think it really hurt like this to not have more. This hurts.

https://www.sportskeeda.com/anime/bloom-into-you-season-2-why-sequel-currently-state-hiatus-explained

I sent Train Girl a message on FB. She sent a voice message on Monday that I haven't responded to because I've been anxious about how to talk to her about the masking, as well as a couple things she's said in her posts about her breakup that are a little violent and make me uncomfortable. And I'm angsting, too, about the cost of salon appointments to maintain my hair, and wondering if maybe that's something I shouldn't be doing until I have a job, even though Miriam encourages me do it.

Ok puppy girl: no need to sit at a computer and be anxious. Let's get up, set up the treadmill, and watch the last two episodes of Bloom Into You and see if the disaster gay protagonists get a positive ending. I really hope so!

I'm trying to decide what to watch after that. I might watch Mysteria Friends again. I might watch Kashimashi again. Or maybe I'll intersperse the series with Kase-san and Morning Glories or Fragtime, which are 60 minute movies and should be good for one session each. I have options! And if there isn't more anime I want to watch, I have the first two seasons of Xena on DVD too. I've started on those with Miriam, but I still haven't seen a lot of it.

Believe it or not, I do actually have media that doesn't involve cute girls being cute with other cute girls too...

Thoughts while continuing to watch Bloom Into You while exercising.

Does every city in Japan have these stepping-stone crossings under a bridge? Because they sure are in a lot of Japanese media!

This anime is gorgeous on Blu Ray.

I also found a blog post about episode 6, where I ended today, that points out several ways I wasn't fully thinking about in which Yuu and Touko's relationship is a hot mess of a disaster right now. This is valuable stuff to think about consciously as a counterpoint to my emotional brain just swooning at all the hand-holding and longing looks. (Spoilers, obviously.)

https://wrongeverytime.com/2019/01/18/bloom-into-you-episode-6/

I was getting ads for a Summer sale by Sentai Filmworks, an anime publisher. So I looked at their stuff and started putting a cart together, thinking I'd go through and filter it later.

Friends, I did not filter it later. I've been sad and stressed and I want things that will make me happy that don't involve stuffing myself 'til my stomach hurts. I bought all the anime.

In the evenings, I often haven't been up to doing much other than watching videos on YouTube (which feels really strange to even type given how little I've done that in the past), and I thought, maybe if I had some more engaging stuff that will make me feel good things instead of watching videos about infrastructure and electronics repair that make me *think* things when I'm not always up to thinking, it would help me get through.

So here's what I bought, along with my understandings of their contents from reading about them online. I would love it if anyone local wanted to watch any of it with me, assuming we can find a compromise that makes Covid risk acceptable. I could bring a media player and TV out on the patio if nothing else.

1 - Things that are not yuri:

*Hidamari Sketch Picture Perfect Collection:
I actually bought this basically because it sounds a lot like Azumanga Daioh. It follows Yuno, an initially shy and anxious girl who has been accepted to a prestigious art-focused high school, through her four years there as she progresses through the curriculum and gets to know other girls. Her older friends graduate and leave, freshmen join the program who she becomes friends with, and she wonders about what she wants to do with her life at graduation. Meanwhile, typical high school things happen. This is a lengthy series with a huge runtime of 1450 minutes!

This is probably another good example that's antithetical to Miriam's taste in anime. For my part. I loved Azumanga Daioh (another series about high school girls being friends together) *so* much that I never read the last few pages of the manga because I didn't want it to end. I hope I love this one too.

*Long Riders! Complete Collection:
This follows Ami, university student who's never had a bike until she sees someone riding a folding bike and decides something like that might be right for her and buys one. She and her friend Aoi start riding together, and they make more girls from the school who all enjoy long bike rides together. There's not really any conflict, and in most (every?) episode, they go for a ride together and share food. This is a 12 episode show with a runtime of 300 minutes.

Miriam has zero interest in this. My own reaction is "Can this be my life? Please?"

2 - On to the yuri!

*Bloom Into You Complete Collection:
I have 5 volumes of this manga and love it! Yuu, a high school student, is asked out by a male classmate. She loves romantic books and stories, but to her surprise feels nothing and declines. Later, she sees a second year student, Touko, similarly turning down a boy, and thinks that maybe Touko has uncertainty like her own. Yuu makes friends with Touko and they become closer, but then Touko expresses interest in Yuu! Again Yuu feels nothing and is internally confused about why, but still wants to be friends with Touko. The story follows the continuing happenings in their lives and relationship.

When I read the manga, Yuu's character felt a lot like demisexual representation, which I identified with strongly at the time, so I'm excited to see the anime! This is a 13 episode series with a runtime of 325 minutes.

*Fragtime
Misuzu can stop time for three minutes for everyone but herself, once per day. It isn't a long enough period to do anything complex, so she mostly just screws around with it. One day, she uses the power to look up Haruka's (a classmate she has a crush on) skirt, but it turns out Haruka is immune to the time freeze! (No, non-consensual things like that are *really* not ok, but it seems like she learns something about that.) This is a movie with a runtime of 60 minutes.

*Kase-san and Morning Glories Complete Collection
High school is ending and Yamada and Kase must decide if they want to stay together and explore a potential relationship, or let it go and move in with their post-high-school lives. It seems like this is almost a highlights reel of the much longer manga, reading reviews on Amazon, so if I like it I may look for the manga next! This is a movie with a 60 minute runtime.

*Mysteria Friends Premium Box Set
This has a fantasy setting at a school of magic! Anne, a human honor student and a princess, and Grea, a half-human/half-dragon who is *also* a princess, become friends, and eventually realize they feel more than friendship. This is a 10 episode series with a runtime of 150 minutes.

*Sakura Trick Complete Collection
Haruka and Yuu have sat next to each other through all of junior high because their names are so close to each other. But in high school, they were separated in the classroom! Oh no! So to show that their friendship is still important to each other they...decide to kiss? A lot? But they're really not girlfriends! They just really like kissing each other! This one is a 12 episode series with a 300 minute runtime.