stormdog | Entries tagged with relationship

I have read all of the small trove from my Saskatoon trip now and didn't dislike any of it! A brief write-up of them:

---How Do We Relationship: this was the other one on my wish list and it was a lot of fun. One reviewer said the two college women would really be far better as friends than lovers and I think that's probably true, but since this is fiction it might work out anyway. One of them is deeply introspective and thoughtful about her relationship-related decisions and the other...is not. This is a pretty hilarious dynamic at times. Also, as Miriam noted, it's great to see a lesbian relationship in media where one of the people involved is a real horn dog!

---Failed Princesses: This was probably my least favorite yuri I've read. I guess I'd give it a C? The high-school girl characters are a super popular girl and an otaku. The popular girl and her friends make fun of the otaku, but then she gets cheated on and dumped by her boyfriend and the otaku girl accidentally, by happenstance, comforts her. Popular girl starts wanting to spend time with Otaku girl, and by the end of the volume they're both kind of alienated from their friends because of it. I'd read more, but I'm not strongly attached to the characters and wouldn't go out of my way for it.

---Even Though We're Adults: I was not expecting to like this one. In fact, it was the only one I thought I might not read because it has themes of infidelity and that's pretty hard for me sometimes. But then I realized that it was by the mangaka who created Sweet Blue Flowers, which is really close to my heart. So I started reading it with an open mind.

Two women in their 30s meet at a bar and hook up. They both get pretty attached to each other. Akari has been with women who cheated on her in the past, and was even dumped for a man. Ayano is married to a man, has never been with a woman, and is only now realizing that she's probably a lesbian. Just like Sweet Blue Flowers, there is a lot of relationship drama between characters who are doing their best to communicate and who care about each other, but who can't help doing things that hurt each other sometimes. (Part of why this kind of story really gets to me is because of distorted echoes of my relationship with my ex-wife.)

The lack of drama based on dishonesty and lack of communication in yuri (at least the yuri I've read) is a deep breath of fresh air compared to Western romance, and is the only reason I can manage reading stories like this. Within the first volume, Ayano has already started talking to her husband about her feelings for Akari, and they're trying to to figure out what to do but are kind of lost. Meanwhile, Akari is trying to deal with her fear of being a fling, her anger at being misled, and her grief and frustration that she keeps ending up in relationships with women for whom she becomes an afterthought. The manga has made me feel sympathy for every one of these characters, and Takako Shimura's artwork is expressive and emotional. This one might just tear my heart out, and I very much want to read the rest. In measured doses.

---Still Sick: Like Failed Princesses, this one is kind of on my third tier list. Two businesswomen work in the same office. One is a girls' love otaku who secretly draws yuri doujinshi (amateur manga) that she sells at conventions. The other, we find out later, was a professional manga artist who give up on her art for complicated personal reasons. The plot is driven by introspective angst mixed with humor that often stems from in-jokes about manga creation and yuri fandom. I like it and would read more: there were moments that had me laughing out loud, and I feel sympathy, though not empathy, for each woman in the dyad. But it's not high on my buy list.

---A side-note: because I loved what I've seen of Sweet Blue Flowers so much, and because I think I'm going to love Even Though We're Adults, I looked to see what else Takako Shimura has done. The work she's best known for is something called Wandering Son. The title didn't sound like my kind of thing, but I looked up a description.

Oh. Oh wow. It's about a trans girl. It's about a trans girl, and it's by someone who has already created other characters I connected with and felt strong feelings for. It's about a trans girl, and I want so *very* much to read this.

And it turns out that the English publication by Fantagraphics stopped halfway through the run, so the rest isn't available in a professional English translation. Also, the first English volumes are out of print and about $100 a piece, because of course they are *sighs*

---

I'm toying with the idea of creating a spreadsheet for all the yuri I've read or watched, with info about their setting, the genre, the plot, whether they're comedy or drama or both, how fluffy they are, and, of course, whether they visit the aquarium! Could be fun.

In the meantime, further evidence that I'm in the teenage girl phase of my transition: here's my wall of yuri. I have a few more things I want to find art of to put up there. It started when I decided to print out all of Sheep Princess in Wolf's Clothing to put in a binder and I misprinted a couple sheets so I put them on the wall. But then they looked kind of lonely by themselves...

I watched an episode of Kashimashi today and was struck again by how much it meant to me. Not just because of the focus on the transgender main character (who is not explicitly called transgender, but absolutely is). I was in this messed up situation with my ex and her boyfriend, and I wanted *so* badly for the love triangle in the show to work out in some kind of happy way because I wanted whatever I was in to work out in some happy way.

I'm pretty damned happy in my relationship now (eventually I realized I *did* want to be ethically non-monogamous: just not with her), but I still really feel for these characters who were in a confusing, difficult situation and really trying hard to do their best for each other. I still wish the show had ended in a happy polyamorous V, but I suppose that's too much to ask for media of the time. If I wrote fanfic, I'd really be tempted to write a new ending for it.

It's ironic that I was first introduced to Shawn Colvin's concept album about her divorce, A Few Small Repairs, in my ex's music collection. I do have to credit her for my initial exposure to feminist/lesbian folk rock in general, too.

I love A Few Small Repairs in its entirety. There's some continuing catharsis in listening to it: it makes me feel understood, and it makes me really happy to have left the life I was in and to have built the one I have now.

In my last therapy session, I talked about my feelings that I don't seem to get much out of large events like pride parades or naked bike ride, or sci-fi/fantasy conventions, or kink social spaces like the local dungeon. I ran my idea about those events from earlier by them (them=my therapist); that once people have gone to the same event a few times, it becomes more about sharing an experience with others than about having the experience myself. Since I don't seem to connect with other people in those circumstances, once the novelty is gone the enjoyment drops steeply.

Exploring that idea, we expanded it to my interactions with people in general. We thought about what kinds of social interactions I enjoy and seek, and what contexts I enjoy interactions with other people in. It's actually a pretty limited range.

Talking with Erik, I've commented that, when it comes to relationships, I don't seem to do things by halves. I was thinking specifically of romantic and sexual relationships, but it applies more broadly too. For me, people are grouped into people I feel safe and comfortable with, and everyone else. I don't have many gradations between.

That reminds me of how I've always felt the distinction in my mind between friend and lover and romantic partner was kind of fuzzy. In the past, though, I thought that that meant I would enjoy having an array of people in my life who I'm connected to in different ways and at different levels of intimacy. It's become clear that that doesn't really work for me. If I put that in the context of relations with other humans being something of a binary thing, though, it makes a whole different kind of sense. When I know someone well enough to feel safe and comfortable with them and to enjoy being unself-consciously in their presence, that in itself is a significant kind of intimacy for me. It's so unusual for me to feel that kind of peace and safety with someone else that, once I've created a space in my heart for them, they get the unfiltered Stormdog experience.

This might make getting to know people awkward if we're interacting at different levels of expectation of intimacy, be that intellectual, emotional, or physical. This model helps me understand the difficulty I've had in getting to know a number of people in various circumstances, when differing expectations of expressions of intimacy confused me and made me uncomfortable or scared. It also explains the intensely negative experiences I've had with people when there was an expectation of physical intimacy, even on *my* part, without other kinds of intimacy.

This model also fits my current situation pretty well. My social core is small and populated with people I am deeply connected to. Danae, Erik, and my family. Between those people, my needs are basically being met. I'm not feeling the kind of intense loneliness, or fear of missing out, that motivated me to look for new social outlets. Therapy has helped me tremendously with self-awareness and self-knowledge and made it *possible* for me to try new outlets: the local poly meetups, board game nights with people I know online, trying to be social at the local dungeon. I'm really proud of myself for the progress I've made and the bravery I found to go to these things and talk to strangers. But it's so hard and time-consuming to make connections that are meaningful to me, and I get little enough from having people in my life at only a passing-acquaintance level to chat with at events and then go home, that I don't feel motivated to do those social things very much.

At least for my own sake; Erik invited me to a queer contra dance last week and it was amazing! More about that later.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1320467.html

As much time and thought and anxiety as I've been putting into thoughts of actively seeking potential datemates, my relationship with Erik started when he asked if I'd be interested in dating and I, after processing for a while, said yes. I'm still quite frightened of the idea of being the seeker rather than the sought. Perhaps I will do that some day, but I'm so much more comfortable in the relatively passive role of deciding how I feel about others interest than I am in asking others to make those decisions about me. And thanks to experience and therapy, I feel able in ways I never have before to respond to people's expressions of interest in me thoughtfully and without feeling obligated to reciprocate, and without conflating other people's wishes with my own. Being the subject of someone else's interest feels much safer, these days, than it has.

And beyond that, right now, my life feels pleasantly full already. I live with a partner who I continue to love more every day. I have a boyfriend who I continually and joyfully anticipate my next visit with. I have household functions and maintenance to contribute to the success of, and a hobby or two to devote date nights with myself to. I've often envied people who have an array of partners and lovers and playmates to share their joy with, and I still do sometimes. But not only do I think that that would be far more stressful than joyous for me, I also don't have any desire to add external complexity or commitment to my life right now.

Right now, I'm happy, and am in a safe place to keep getting to know *myself* better.

Current Mood: happy
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1301964.html

I had a date on Saturday...

Current Mood: happy
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1289062.html

I feel uncomfortable with the idea of sex without a certain level of mutual commitment. But that's true for nearly everyone who's interested in sex. Even meeting someone for a hookup on something like Tindr or Grindr isn't without a level of short-term commitment. In my case, I believe that necessary level of commitment to be greater or more intense than it is for most people. For me, this is the essence of demisexuality*. Condensing my thoughts and experiences into that kind of articulatable concept is a good starting point for my thoughts about what I hope to find in other relationships, and whether I actually want to look. Therapy and reading "More Than Two" together have clarified my thoughts tremendously, but it's only a start and I am still so uncertain.

I don't know what minimum level of commitment I want there to be attached to sexual relationships. I also need to decide what level of commitment I am willing to offer, both at present and in the future. How much time do I want to invest in my relationships while ensuring I don't feel stressed and anxious about meeting existing commitments and having time for my solo pursuits? I owe partners a reasonable idea of what roles I may or may not be able to fill in their lives.

I need to make more space for myself in my own mind. A few weeks ago, I expressed to my therapist that that is something I want out of therapy. I've been going for more than a year, and that's the first time I directly expressed a goal more concrete than wanting to be less anxious and depressed. It feels like a big step for me and I'm proud of myself for it.

There really isn't a lot of room for myself in there when it comes to other people. That makes relationships really difficult. I feel very lucky in my relationship with Danae. After most of a decade of being her partner, I feel that I am strongly in touch with myself about what I, myself want in my relationship with her. Our lives together make me consciously happy and my being her partner is the expression of a continuing active decision to maintain my commitments to her. I believe this is how relationships should be; an ongoing conscious commitment in something that increases the happiness of everyone involved. I think it could have been nearly anyone who approached me at the convention when I met her and I would have been responsive to their advances because of the way I tend to automatically return expressions of interest. I'm very glad it was her.

*I do not reify Demisexuality. It does not have any existence outside of its nature as a social construction. Whether or not I am demisexual is purely a matter of whether the label serves to foster a feeling of understanding and helps me feel less alone. That, it very much does.

--

Another aspect of my confusion is difficulty in feeling, and being aware of feeling, attraction to people. I think it's connected to being faceblind as well as being demisexual (interestingly, someone in a demisexual discussion group I'm in asked recently whether there were other faceblind people there). I just don't find people very aesthetically interesting. I love looking at people with long hair, and I love touching and brushing and combing it. But that's more about the hair than the person; I would enjoy doing that with anyone with long hair, and while there may be a connection to sexual attraction in that, it doesn't mean I'd enjoy sex with anyone with long hair. I think it's more that I feel an atypical amount of sensual joy in doing things with people's hair, which doesn't necessarily connect to wanting to have sex with them.

My understanding is that a lot of people can look at a stranger and feel a purely aesthetically-grounded sense of attraction and feel motivated by that to want to get to know someone better to see if there's deeper attraction. I don't really feel that, so I'm not motivated to approach people in that way. It's not at all that I'm not interested in sex; rather the opposite is true. It's that the idea of sex with any specific other person typically makes me pretty uncomfortable.

(Some of this, too, may be all the messages I've received through life about how who people are is more important than what they look like. If that's true, as I believe it is, then appearance shouldn't factor into my feelings of attraction. But then what does? I don't know, because there have also been people who I feel *should* be attractive to me - who are thoughtful and caring and insightful and fun to talk with and be around - who I'm *not* attracted to, and I feel a lot of confusion about that. What, then, makes someone attractive to me?)

--

Making things more confusing for me is that these parts of my own nature do not make sense to me. I once analogized my ideal form of polyamory as being like playing board games with people. Different people like different games, and they can be casual or intense, and it's lots of fun to find new people who like the same kinds of games you do. I wouldn't enjoy playing board games with someone who I have nothing in common with, but it doesn't have to be someone I have a deep connection with either.

That's the way I dearly *want* to feel about relationships because I see the ways it provides a rich, caring, and loving social environment for people. But I don't feel that way and I don't know why.

Other than the general anxiety and depression, understanding why I do or don't feel attraction, and what to do about that, is a primary thing I'm trying to figure out now. For lots of reasons, it's scary when someone says they are attracted to me because I don't know what to do with that or how to know what I feel about it when I can't even figure myself out without worrying about additional variables to manage.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1282611.html

About five minutes after leaving therapy this afternoon, I realized why I was so scared when, earlier during the day when I got an email from OK Cupid with pictures of "new matches." I hadn't thought about it in so many words, but I don't want to pick someone. I want to put myself out there and have someone pick *me.*

This is, upon further analysis on my ride home, and unsurprising extension of my general crippling anxiety about expressing what I want about much of anything.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1201383.html

I have no good idea about what to do with my personal ad. The Craigslist personals are full of...things that scare me away. I've never used a 'dating app,' but I get the impression that they aren't the sort of place for lengthy writing. Google has not turned up any kind of venue for Chicago queer personals. How does a queer, agender, poly person looking for not a quick hookup but not necessarily a captial-R relationship connect with people? I guess I'll poke around on Fetlife tonight. I don't remember there being a good place for that there, but it's been a while.

---

A friend on Facebook just suggested OK Cupid. That might be worth a look-see. She said that in her experience people stop reading after a paragraph, but that would probably weed out a lot of people I wouldn't connect with anyway, so that's fine. And maybe all the quizzes and things would be fun. I'm scared about not knowing how to respond when/if people contact me, but that's something I have to figure out regardless of anything else.

Current Mood: confused
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1199571.html

I went to my second therapy session on Wednesday last week; my first since resolving the insurance issues. This therapist is more likely to allow longer periods of silence while I think and/or organize my thoughts. That may be experience on their part, or a style thing. Either way, I feel a little anxious when neither of us are talking, but I think I'll get used to it and that it's beneficial for me.

I've only been in one relationship, I told them (the therapist), that I'd made an independent choice to be in and that I initiated. And that one was with someone I'd known for most of a decade and who I knew had been interested in me in the past. In my other relationships, I just responded to an expression of interest in what I think was a sort of automatic mirroring process.

I believe, as objectively as I can, that I very much want to be in my relationship with Danae. I think she's an amazing person and she is a wonderful partner to me. But I also feel that I've had very little agency in forming either the relationships that I've been in or the sexual experiences that I've had. I want to have more agency in my life in a lot of areas, and that's certainly one of them.

I'm also too scared by my past experiences of being pushed into things I didn't want and/or unable to express or be aware of what I do want. I feel that I can't express sexual agency in the way I would like to in a safe way, or decline to take part in something that I'm not mostly sure I'll be content with later.

They asked me what would need to be in place for me to feel safe. Did they mean internally, or externally I asked, before I answered my own question by saying that they probably meant either or both. They did.

I don't have very good ideas about the internal part. Externally, though, having someone with me came to mind immediately. Danae and I have talked in hypotheticals about going together to one of the Chicago dungeons (BDSM is included in my thoughts on this, though I'm primarily thinking of affection and care right now) and letting her mediate my interactions with other people so that I have someone I trust and feel safe with to protect me while I try to grow in this way. For numerous reasons, this is not something she is up to doing these days though.

Thinking after the session though, I synthesized a number of thoughts into a crazy idea that's slowly been feeling less crazy.

I've been reading self-reported accounts of casual sex on the appropriately-named Casual Sex Project web site. I've come to several conclusions, including:

Many people's communication skills suck ass.
Many people make really stupid decisions when horny.
I'm disturbed by how many people are very willing to opportunistically cheat on their partners. (The latter two could possibly be reduced by reducing the first one.)

However! There are a few metaphorical gems out there. People who met other people who were nice, respectful, and caring, and who behaved within bounds set by each other. As I commented to Danae, it may sound odd but the hottest and most enjoyable of these stories for me are the ones involving people who communicate well and are explicit about expectations and consent. Not because of what they may have done with each other, but because those are the people with whom I'm able to somehow identify.

So what if I post a personal ad on Craigslist? It would be geared toward attracting a male person, or one who is comfortable in a physically male body, who is compatible with me to be friends and play partners with. I'd describe myself and my interests. I'd explain that what I really want is a friend who enjoys playing together and who I can feel mutual affection and care for. I'd talk about my universally negative experience with men, and how much I really want to have some positive experiences. I'd explain my issues with consent and my need to have someone making sure I'm safe. I'd explain that I need to be able to decide I'm comfortable and initiate snuggling or petting as I feel comfortable doing so and knowing I'm not feeling pressure from a partner. And I'd explain that I'd want to meet them at my place, with my partner around, while I get to know them over board games or Factorio or through discussion of books or politics or what-have-you. And that if we progress to physical affection and sex, I'd want to do that with her in the condo as well.

It would be a very strange personal ad, I know. Maybe nobody would read it, or everyone who does would think it's absurd or laugh at it, and that's fine too. But if the right person did happen upon it and read it and contact me, maybe it could be a really positive thing.

Since we would both know from the beginning that I'm looking for a play partner, I wouldn't be quite as scared to initiate physical things with them because I wouldn't be as worried that I'll make them uncomfortable.

One concern is that I'll feel pressured to initiate out of concern for their expectations in having come to meet me. I'll have to think about that and figure out what to do. For that, or for any reason I'm feeling uncomfortable, I think I'd have a subtle way to let Danae know that. Then I'd have her help to make sure I'm able to express my disinclination toward sex, even if I'm terrified of rejecting someone.

I anxiously and embarrassedly ran this idea by her in the car on the way to my parents' place for New Years Eve and asked her to think about how she feels. I think it's possible that that one or two other people might be willing to be my safety blanket in this way too, but she's my first choice. I'll see what she thinks, keep thinking about whether I really want to proceed, and figure out where to go from there.

And now I am scared to hit the post button because I'm worried that people will tell me this is really unfair to my potential new friend in some way I haven't thought of, and that will make me feel embarrassed and thoughtless. But I'm thinking again of my target audience; someone like me. If I saw that personal ad, I think I would respond. Maybe that's the most important consideration for me in trying to find someone whose thinking is enough like mine in the ways I hope for it to be.

Current Mood: scared
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1191867.html

I had a really fun time with Lisa in the city this past weekend. We used a few Groupons that each of us had. One was for frozen yogurt from one of those multi-flavor, lots-o-toppings, serve yourself places. I had serious analysis paralysis the first time I went in one, having bits of four or five different yogurt flavors and probably half the different toppings they had. I was a little better this time.

For dinner on Sunday before I headed home, we went to a place called Buena Beach. It's hard to find, tucked into a small structure that joins two large condo buildings. I think the whole thing was a fancy hotel once, and this was the bar and restaurant. You wouldn't know it's there just to look, but it's close to her place, food is good, and the Groupons cover two burgers, a side, and a dessert. Tasty!

With the snow coming down and the sidewalks slush, I walked the two blocks to the car and drove back to pick Lisa up. There was a doorman at the building who motioned me up into the carport after it cleared. He approached the car with Lisa when I stopped, then opened and closed the door for her when she got in. I've done that myself for a few people, but I don't think I've ever actually seen anyone do that as part of their job before, and the picture really stuck in my mind. It seemed anachronistic, and it made me smile.

I also feel conflicted about it in a few ways. On one hand, I don't like standards of behavior that are based on gender, and there is a lot of gender performance wrapped up in that action. On the other hand, I'd be kind of thrilled, and guiltily so, if someone did that for me because I love subverting gender roles in that way. I'm pleased to open and close doors for my partners, if they enjoy that sort of thing (though neither of my current ones do, particularly). Ideally, someone I'm involved with and I would kind of trade off, depending on who happens to be driving and whether the other one enjoys the gesture. Like opening doors for someone behind you. But I can't help but admit that some of the thrill I get from it comes from it being a typically 'feminine' thing to enjoy.

---

Lisa and I stopped at the Brown Elephant; a thrift store operated by Howard Brown Clinic, an LGBTQ-oriented medical practice in Chicago. Not surprisingly, they often have great clothes. I bought a shirt by Threadless featuring Alice (as in Wonderland) in a fighting stance with two katana, fighting zombie characters from her stories. The more I look at it, the more I like it. It's snug; a size smaller than I usually wear. I don't think I could just wear it anywhere. I think it will work well in particular circumstances though.

I also found a great pair of acid-washed jeans. Deep blue denim, with a very noticeable wash that kind of makes them look like cloud-patterned. I'm super-excited about those! But I probably won't wear them much in the winter when they're likely to get wet and dirty. Anyway, I like the look of these jeans enough that that I'm playing with the idea of doing some bleach tie-dye of another pair or two once warm weather is here. I've found some instructions online and it doesn't look too hard. I may try a black pair too and see how that comes out.

---

I have drafts done for my last two applications. Hopefully tomorrow I can smooth them out and get them near done. I really want these things to be done. Before, I didn't think I'd be too stressed once I got things turned in. Now, I find myself stressing that maybe I didn't fill them out completely or correctly, or maybe I'm missing something, or maybe I just did a poor job with them. I had a dream a few nights ago about failing a bunch of my classes, which I'm sure is related. I need to let it go. It will be as it will be.

---

I got to see Danae on Friday night, unexpectedly. Lisa was so exhausted that I just dropped her off at home and drove up to Evanston. It was really good to spend some time with her. I'd been feeling irrational anxiety that there was something wrong in the way we'd interacted the weekend before. I tried very hard during the course of the week not to ask for direct reassurance that all was well. As she later told me, she would have been happy to provide it, but I want to take charge of my mental state. I trust that we have good enough communication for her to tell me if there's something wrong, and I will not let myself drift toward asking for enough energy from her to be a nuisance. I'm a grown up and I will take care of my own neuroses as long as I am able to.

I do have some fear about moving away from her though. She and Lisa both, though less so with Lisa. I love Lisa and am really happy when I get time with her, but neither of us would want to be in the position of living together and seeing each other all the time! With Danae, though, I think we would be living together, or at least have given it a try, if our mutual circumstances would allow. With my school and work being in Kenosha, it just hasn't been possible up to now, but someday, when fates allow, we want to share living space. We expect to be in a relationship for the foreseeable future (though I recognize that, as with all things, this is not a given).

The thought of being far away from her inspires a lot of fear in me. Fear that our relationship will weaken and change. It will, of course, change; that's a given. But I love her tremendously and worry that a couple years spent living far apart will somehow unmake or damage what we have. I suppose that's a natural fear. We've talked about it, and neither of us think that will happen. We seem to both be pretty stuck on each other. But the fear is still there for me.

Alright, I need to be good to myself and get enough sleep. Probably more tomorrow.