MeghanIsMe

I feel uncomfortable with the idea of sex without a certain level of mutual commitment. But that's true for nearly everyone who's interested in sex. Even meeting someone for a hookup on something like Tindr or Grindr isn't without a level of short-term commitment. In my case, I believe that necessary level of commitment to be greater or more intense than it is for most people. For me, this is the essence of demisexuality*. Condensing my thoughts and experiences into that kind of articulatable concept is a good starting point for my thoughts about what I hope to find in other relationships, and whether I actually want to look. Therapy and reading "More Than Two" together have clarified my thoughts tremendously, but it's only a start and I am still so uncertain.

I don't know what minimum level of commitment I want there to be attached to sexual relationships. I also need to decide what level of commitment I am willing to offer, both at present and in the future. How much time do I want to invest in my relationships while ensuring I don't feel stressed and anxious about meeting existing commitments and having time for my solo pursuits? I owe partners a reasonable idea of what roles I may or may not be able to fill in their lives.

I need to make more space for myself in my own mind. A few weeks ago, I expressed to my therapist that that is something I want out of therapy. I've been going for more than a year, and that's the first time I directly expressed a goal more concrete than wanting to be less anxious and depressed. It feels like a big step for me and I'm proud of myself for it.

There really isn't a lot of room for myself in there when it comes to other people. That makes relationships really difficult. I feel very lucky in my relationship with Danae. After most of a decade of being her partner, I feel that I am strongly in touch with myself about what I, myself want in my relationship with her. Our lives together make me consciously happy and my being her partner is the expression of a continuing active decision to maintain my commitments to her. I believe this is how relationships should be; an ongoing conscious commitment in something that increases the happiness of everyone involved. I think it could have been nearly anyone who approached me at the convention when I met her and I would have been responsive to their advances because of the way I tend to automatically return expressions of interest. I'm very glad it was her.

*I do not reify Demisexuality. It does not have any existence outside of its nature as a social construction. Whether or not I am demisexual is purely a matter of whether the label serves to foster a feeling of understanding and helps me feel less alone. That, it very much does.

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Another aspect of my confusion is difficulty in feeling, and being aware of feeling, attraction to people. I think it's connected to being faceblind as well as being demisexual (interestingly, someone in a demisexual discussion group I'm in asked recently whether there were other faceblind people there). I just don't find people very aesthetically interesting. I love looking at people with long hair, and I love touching and brushing and combing it. But that's more about the hair than the person; I would enjoy doing that with anyone with long hair, and while there may be a connection to sexual attraction in that, it doesn't mean I'd enjoy sex with anyone with long hair. I think it's more that I feel an atypical amount of sensual joy in doing things with people's hair, which doesn't necessarily connect to wanting to have sex with them.

My understanding is that a lot of people can look at a stranger and feel a purely aesthetically-grounded sense of attraction and feel motivated by that to want to get to know someone better to see if there's deeper attraction. I don't really feel that, so I'm not motivated to approach people in that way. It's not at all that I'm not interested in sex; rather the opposite is true. It's that the idea of sex with any specific other person typically makes me pretty uncomfortable.

(Some of this, too, may be all the messages I've received through life about how who people are is more important than what they look like. If that's true, as I believe it is, then appearance shouldn't factor into my feelings of attraction. But then what does? I don't know, because there have also been people who I feel *should* be attractive to me - who are thoughtful and caring and insightful and fun to talk with and be around - who I'm *not* attracted to, and I feel a lot of confusion about that. What, then, makes someone attractive to me?)

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Making things more confusing for me is that these parts of my own nature do not make sense to me. I once analogized my ideal form of polyamory as being like playing board games with people. Different people like different games, and they can be casual or intense, and it's lots of fun to find new people who like the same kinds of games you do. I wouldn't enjoy playing board games with someone who I have nothing in common with, but it doesn't have to be someone I have a deep connection with either.

That's the way I dearly *want* to feel about relationships because I see the ways it provides a rich, caring, and loving social environment for people. But I don't feel that way and I don't know why.

Other than the general anxiety and depression, understanding why I do or don't feel attraction, and what to do about that, is a primary thing I'm trying to figure out now. For lots of reasons, it's scary when someone says they are attracted to me because I don't know what to do with that or how to know what I feel about it when I can't even figure myself out without worrying about additional variables to manage.

I applied to join the Chicago Poly Facebook group and was admitted after after a few days. Then I posted my introduction and got a few likes. I accidentally posted a picture in the group that I meant to post on my own page and deleted it when I realized I'd done it.

Then I got removed from the group. I messaged an admin who said she'd check on what happened, but that was last week and I haven't heard back. I thought it was my most promising possibility for meeting people and being social in the near future, so it's left me a bit depressed and wondering if I did something wrong or there's someone in the group who doesn't like me. And I'm definitely not someone who pesters people for a response.

But life goes on and I got a ton of stuff done over the weekend. I'll write about that!

It's kind of funny seeing the links to things likes guides to manage Valentine's Day as a polyamorous person. I'm sure that can be really complicated for a lot of people. I've never actually had partners who care one way or another about the holiday, and while I do think it would be fun to celebrate with people who do, it's never been an issue even when I'm involved with more than one person.

The biggest part of it for me, I guess, has always been the immediately following holiday; half-price chocolate day.