stormdog | Entries tagged with consent

I'm having trouble playing more Baldur's Gate with Miriam.

I was really excited that it offers couch co-op because the two of us have loved doing things like this together. I was having a hard time being interested in much of anything because of depression, but I was finding some enjoyment in it up until the scene where Astarion tries to bite a PC in their sleep. That character was mine in our play-through and I had a really hard time with it.

It feels a lot like rape. Vampire bites have been an analog for sex for a very long time. And metaphor aside, Astarion is committing really intimate violence. And just as much as the attack itself, I'm having a hard time with the seeming expectation by the developers that this will not be that big a deal. For me, it was a really big deal. Adding to that, Astarion guilt trips you if you say no once you wake up. It's so awful.

Honestly, it makes me want to kill Astarion right then. Both as a player and as the way I see my character responding to being assaulted in their sleep. But if I do that, I'm missing a lot of content further in the game because he's such a major character, and that makes me feel sad about missing all of that. And I hate having to make that choice at all, so I haven't really come back to it in a couple of months.

I'd really like it to be something Miriam and I can enjoy together, but I'm not sure how to do that. And then *that* makes me sad because we spent a lot of money on it thinking that it would be something we could share together while snuggled on the couch.

I went to my second therapy session on Wednesday last week; my first since resolving the insurance issues. This therapist is more likely to allow longer periods of silence while I think and/or organize my thoughts. That may be experience on their part, or a style thing. Either way, I feel a little anxious when neither of us are talking, but I think I'll get used to it and that it's beneficial for me.

I've only been in one relationship, I told them (the therapist), that I'd made an independent choice to be in and that I initiated. And that one was with someone I'd known for most of a decade and who I knew had been interested in me in the past. In my other relationships, I just responded to an expression of interest in what I think was a sort of automatic mirroring process.

I believe, as objectively as I can, that I very much want to be in my relationship with Danae. I think she's an amazing person and she is a wonderful partner to me. But I also feel that I've had very little agency in forming either the relationships that I've been in or the sexual experiences that I've had. I want to have more agency in my life in a lot of areas, and that's certainly one of them.

I'm also too scared by my past experiences of being pushed into things I didn't want and/or unable to express or be aware of what I do want. I feel that I can't express sexual agency in the way I would like to in a safe way, or decline to take part in something that I'm not mostly sure I'll be content with later.

They asked me what would need to be in place for me to feel safe. Did they mean internally, or externally I asked, before I answered my own question by saying that they probably meant either or both. They did.

I don't have very good ideas about the internal part. Externally, though, having someone with me came to mind immediately. Danae and I have talked in hypotheticals about going together to one of the Chicago dungeons (BDSM is included in my thoughts on this, though I'm primarily thinking of affection and care right now) and letting her mediate my interactions with other people so that I have someone I trust and feel safe with to protect me while I try to grow in this way. For numerous reasons, this is not something she is up to doing these days though.

Thinking after the session though, I synthesized a number of thoughts into a crazy idea that's slowly been feeling less crazy.

I've been reading self-reported accounts of casual sex on the appropriately-named Casual Sex Project web site. I've come to several conclusions, including:

Many people's communication skills suck ass.
Many people make really stupid decisions when horny.
I'm disturbed by how many people are very willing to opportunistically cheat on their partners. (The latter two could possibly be reduced by reducing the first one.)

However! There are a few metaphorical gems out there. People who met other people who were nice, respectful, and caring, and who behaved within bounds set by each other. As I commented to Danae, it may sound odd but the hottest and most enjoyable of these stories for me are the ones involving people who communicate well and are explicit about expectations and consent. Not because of what they may have done with each other, but because those are the people with whom I'm able to somehow identify.

So what if I post a personal ad on Craigslist? It would be geared toward attracting a male person, or one who is comfortable in a physically male body, who is compatible with me to be friends and play partners with. I'd describe myself and my interests. I'd explain that what I really want is a friend who enjoys playing together and who I can feel mutual affection and care for. I'd talk about my universally negative experience with men, and how much I really want to have some positive experiences. I'd explain my issues with consent and my need to have someone making sure I'm safe. I'd explain that I need to be able to decide I'm comfortable and initiate snuggling or petting as I feel comfortable doing so and knowing I'm not feeling pressure from a partner. And I'd explain that I'd want to meet them at my place, with my partner around, while I get to know them over board games or Factorio or through discussion of books or politics or what-have-you. And that if we progress to physical affection and sex, I'd want to do that with her in the condo as well.

It would be a very strange personal ad, I know. Maybe nobody would read it, or everyone who does would think it's absurd or laugh at it, and that's fine too. But if the right person did happen upon it and read it and contact me, maybe it could be a really positive thing.

Since we would both know from the beginning that I'm looking for a play partner, I wouldn't be quite as scared to initiate physical things with them because I wouldn't be as worried that I'll make them uncomfortable.

One concern is that I'll feel pressured to initiate out of concern for their expectations in having come to meet me. I'll have to think about that and figure out what to do. For that, or for any reason I'm feeling uncomfortable, I think I'd have a subtle way to let Danae know that. Then I'd have her help to make sure I'm able to express my disinclination toward sex, even if I'm terrified of rejecting someone.

I anxiously and embarrassedly ran this idea by her in the car on the way to my parents' place for New Years Eve and asked her to think about how she feels. I think it's possible that that one or two other people might be willing to be my safety blanket in this way too, but she's my first choice. I'll see what she thinks, keep thinking about whether I really want to proceed, and figure out where to go from there.

And now I am scared to hit the post button because I'm worried that people will tell me this is really unfair to my potential new friend in some way I haven't thought of, and that will make me feel embarrassed and thoughtless. But I'm thinking again of my target audience; someone like me. If I saw that personal ad, I think I would respond. Maybe that's the most important consideration for me in trying to find someone whose thinking is enough like mine in the ways I hope for it to be.

Current Mood: scared
Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1191867.html

I've chickened out on biking this winter. I'm too big to fit into my nice ski jacket right now. My long underwear and other thermal baselayers are in boxes or bags until the bed bugs are absolutely gone. Riding in my jacket and jeans is not going to cut it below 30F or so. Being a year-round bike commuter is a significant part of my identity and I feel disappointed in myself for taking transit. Next winter, I hope to be prepared again. For now, I appreciate the option of the CTA so I don't have to get in a car.

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Danae and I visited my parents again on New Years Eve. My brother J had finally moved most of his stuff out of the spare room upstairs between my brother T and their other housemate/border, so there was a clean bed for Danae and I to stay in. We played board games and had food with family and friends on the 31st, then came down for a tasty breakfast my dad cooked on the 1st and played more games.

Danae and I gave my parents the expansions for Alchemists as a holiday gift; I really liked some of what it added to the game and enjoyed playing it. I won that one by a single point, with a score of 31 to Danae's 30 and I feel like I have a better sense of end game strategy. My mother won a game of Power Grid which ended, as so many plays of that game do, a turn earlier than most of us expected. There were a number of games of Dominion as well, using the Nocturne expansion that J had given my parents as a gift to the household; I liked it a great deal more than the last new expansion I tried with adventurers and things.

I'm so glad to have spent time with people I don't see enough and care about. Evil Bob and Dwarf and G were in attendance; my parents have known them longer than I've been alive (Evil Bob's son is my parents' boarder/housemate). They're good people and I miss seeing them regularly.

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I rented a Rug Doctor from the local Jewel and cleaned the carpets in the bedroom and living room. Not only do they look a lot better, but hopefully any possible remaining bugs or eggs are gone. I unbolted the various pieces of our Ikea couch from each other and washed and dried all of the fabric covers. I Rug Doctored the upholstered furniture without removable covers and looked everywhere I could think of for bug evidence. If this doesn't do it, I'm going to go with a company that does heat treatment. They heat the entire space up to around 150F for long enough to kill bugs. That will suck a lot as we take heat-sensitive things out of the apartment in preparation and make sure those things don't have bugs, but we'll burn that bridge if we get to it.

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Danae is presenting at a conference in Hawaii this coming weekend. I've never been to Hawaii and am a little envious, though she really won't be seeing much of anything outside the conference hotel. While she's gone, I may end up visiting Posi or my parents for more games or something. There's also the cuddle party I'm nervously excited about going to. I'm worried about my consent-related problems, but it's about the safest way I can think of to engage in consensual physical contact with other people and I really hope it goes well and I don't feel trapped in a situation where I'm unable to say no. My pajamas have arrived for the event and I'm looking forward to wearing them there and, hopefully, meeting some nice people and being social.

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Crossposts: https://stormdog.livejournal.com/1191519.html

In a dream, I was in a room with seven or eight people watching a movie or similar. I was snuggled on a bed with a couple of male-type people and was relaxed and happy. Other people I knew were there and were happy for/with me. But everyone but one of the guys I was snuggling left. He touched me in an unpleasant way without consent, and then pressured me into giving him a handjob before other people came back.

Way to mess up a nice dream. *sighs*

Current Mood: disappointed

After doing pretty well most of the day, I had a mood crash this evening. Danae suggested we work on a puzzle together, and after spending a bit of time gathering up my motivation, I decided that was a good idea.

I started feeling better and had enough brain power to think about my mood in a meta sense instead of being stuck inside it. I realized that something I heard on the radio on the way home probably had a lot to do with how I was feeling. I hadn't actually thought about it since getting home, but it was percolating in there.

NPR was talking about a movement toward a restorative justice approach to sexual assault on college campuses. Restorative justice, they said, is a cooperative approach that involves facilitated discussion. (Contrast this with a traditional, adversarial, approach that involves something like a trial and punishment system.) In this discussion, the goal is for the rapist to take responsibility for zir actions and to work with the victim to make amends in a way that is meaningful to zir.

My feelings about that (which are mixed but hopeful) aside, it made me think about my own experiences with non-consensual sex. (I've written about this in detail elsewhere, and do not plan to do so here beyond vagueries; if you would like more detail, ask and I may [or may not] answer.)

The idea of the responsible party really understanding the gravity of their action and doing something meaningful for their victim is wonderful. The rapist and survivor quoted in the show both seem to have taken powerful, positive actions as a result of it. After the radio piece was over, I thought about how such a resolution would feel for me.

In my case, I don't believe the people involved had any intent to cause harm nor understanding of the way those experiences felt to me. I'm terrified of the idea of talking to them about it; I wouldn't know what to say or how to explain what happened and why, or why I deserve any kind of apology for it. How does one deal with a situation that zie doesn't even realize was con-consensual - that due to my own neuroses and fears I wasn't in a position to give uncoerced consent - except in retrospect. I don't think that positive resolution the rapist and survivor created together is something that is possible for me to have.

And that, I realized as I talked to Danae over the puzzle, was really getting me down, you know?

But just talking about it actually made me feel a lot better. And then we worked on the puzzle. And it was so good. The little things really are, when properly appreciated.

The radio piece, for those who may be interested: http://www.npr.org/2017/07/25/539334346/restorative-justice-an-alternative-to-the-process-campuses-use-for-sexual-assaul