stormdog | Entries tagged with train girl

I just looked at Train Girl's Facebook page. I haven't tried to see what she's been up to in a long time because I have strong, conflicted feelings about her. She has unfriended me, so I suppose I don't need to worry about whether or not and how to connect with her. I don't really understand what happened, and I still have that 1907 book on automobile repair that I brought up from Kenosha to give to her.

Meanwhile, an old friend of my dad's who I knew as a little kid, and who I connected with on Facebook after his death, posted a stupid anti-Biden meme on his wall. I left a polite note saying that it was nice to reconnect with him after my dad's death, but that as the target of orchestrated campaigns of violence and attempts to strip me of civil rights on the part of the Republican party, I didn't want to see this in my feed. Then I unfriended him.

I miss my dad so much. I wish I could talk to him about some of the stuff going on my life. And now it looks like Miriam's dad's health is in question. He's in his 80s, and is scheduled for a bone marrow biopsy because of the possibility of cancer. How could we deal with the loss of her father on top of everything else that's been happening?

This is not a very polished post.

The last few days have been pretty rough.

I attended the weekly online trans support group the week before last, for the first time in many months, and had a really nice time. I'd been avoiding that, as well as the Facebook trans groups I was in, because reading about people being social just hurt too much when I can't do those things myself. On top of my dad's death and everything else, it was too much.

But I'd gotten my grief somewhat more under control. Miriam and I had also worked out ways for me to be social in limited ways, too, and together that had me feeling stable enough to want to be reach out again. I did and it was good.

This past Wednesday, I was in the group a second time and it made me crash pretty hard again.

I ended up talking a little bit about how distressed I'd gotten in grad school when I was reading about social justice in an urban context. That I ended up feeling like there was nothing I could do to fix the broken systems and it made me non-functionally depressed. One of the local community organizers talked about how hard it is for her, too, dealing with the bureaucracies and politics of the local area. She's been burned out, and has recently been trying to reconnect with her motivations for doing the work that she does. A primary motivation for her is community and "queer joy." "I want to kiss cute girls," she said.

That hurt so much. Of course she didn't mean it to. But it hurt deeply. On top of that, she was also talking about having just begun a relationship with a new partner, so she was pretty bubbly about that and about community and joy of being with others.

I still can't have that in the same way. I WANT TO KISS CUTE GIRLS TOO, GODDAMMIT. I want to meet people and date people and have sex with people. But I can't, and I don't know when I'll be able to and it hurts a lot. That need for community would be one of my primary sources of motivation and joy if I could pursue it, but I can't right now. Instead, it's a source of pain. What do I do instead?

I left the group early and was not at my most emotionally stable for a couple days. I was working on getting myself together when the next thing happened.

I've wanted to get together with Train Girl for so long. I like her, we have similar interests, and we are both starved for in-person contact and touch. She recently said that I am her only local trans friend and am important to her. She posted on Facebook wondering whether there are still professional cuddlers since Covid, and I pointed her at Cuddle Comfort, a website that connects people looking for cuddles. I also messaged her and said that if we could work around our mutual masking/Covid safety needs, I would love to have some cuddles with her. That there is nothing I want more in my life lately than people to cuddle.

Earlier today, she posted on Facebook saying that she's looking for local people to cuddle, and is no longer masking but is up to date on shots. I've already told her that masking is a hard limit for me: people I'm in spending time with in close proximity for longer periods must be masked for me to be able to do that. That being the case, and her looking for cuddles when she knows I am available, suggests that it's not an option for us.

That hurts too. It adds to my feeling like my own desire for community and touch and kisses doesn't work in the abstract by showing me that it doesn't work in this very specific instance either.

I shouldn't read this as overly symbolic, or as an omen maybe, but it feels like it. Train girl is the first person I've expressed interest in since transitioning. She's sort of an example to me of me figuring out what I want and knowing how to pursue what I want now that I know who I am. There are so many reasons to think we'd get along fabulously and have a wonderful time cuddling and watching stuff together. But because of Covid, I can't.

Meanwhile, lots of people I know in Illinois are talking about the convention they're at this weekend and that hurts too, and I'm just feeling broken.

Miriam's parents are here right now too, so that's disrupting routines and making things difficult even more.

Miriam and I went to the grocery store together this morning. While she masked up and went inside to get a few things, I sat in the car, tried unsuccessfully to find music to listen to, and just sat with my fear and loneliness. When she came back, she presented me with a bouquet of flowers and it was such a wonderful gesture that I completely lost my composure and cried against her for a while.

I would be lost without her.

But I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now. And the places I've tried to reach out in new ways — the Reddit T4T group and the Discord servers I've looked at — have made me feel more isolated too. I'm feeling like self-isolation again is what I need to do to get away from the pain of constant reminders of my isolation.

I sent Train Girl a message on FB. She sent a voice message on Monday that I haven't responded to because I've been anxious about how to talk to her about the masking, as well as a couple things she's said in her posts about her breakup that are a little violent and make me uncomfortable. And I'm angsting, too, about the cost of salon appointments to maintain my hair, and wondering if maybe that's something I shouldn't be doing until I have a job, even though Miriam encourages me do it.

Ok puppy girl: no need to sit at a computer and be anxious. Let's get up, set up the treadmill, and watch the last two episodes of Bloom Into You and see if the disaster gay protagonists get a positive ending. I really hope so!

I'm trying to decide what to watch after that. I might watch Mysteria Friends again. I might watch Kashimashi again. Or maybe I'll intersperse the series with Kase-san and Morning Glories or Fragtime, which are 60 minute movies and should be good for one session each. I have options! And if there isn't more anime I want to watch, I have the first two seasons of Xena on DVD too. I've started on those with Miriam, but I still haven't seen a lot of it.

Believe it or not, I do actually have media that doesn't involve cute girls being cute with other cute girls too...

Train Girl, who I have still not met in person, was broken up with by her long distance girlfriend a few weeks ago, and has not been dealing with it well. In fact, it seems like the whole situation is a giant mess. From the single perspective I have access to, Train Girl's ex has believed and passed along lies about Train Girl and this has resulted in a lot of drama and loss of friends. I talked to her briefly tonight via FB messenger for the first time since this happened. I feel for her, and hurt for her, but - without airing other people's dirty laundry - there are things about the way she's dealing with this that make me hesitate about pursuing that crush I've had on her. I mean, not that I would anyway right now because this is not the time, but still.

I actually just contacted her today because Miriam and I have worked out some parameters regarding Covid Risk and I want SO BADLY to start making in-person friends. I invited her over to watch anime. However, she says she's been talking to her therapist about Covid precautions and that "extreme masking" has been scaring her. I get the impression that she might not be willing to mask as a visitor, though she was a little intoxicated and difficult to understand. So that might not be an option either.

I hate how fucking complicated Covid has made everything.

You know what I really, really want in my life? Queer female and nbi friends who I can get in a cuddle pile with and watch yuri anime, and maybe kiss and snuggle. Not necessarily casual sex, though that would be nice too. I just want more queer, snuggly non-masc folks in my life. I wish I had figured this out before the world went so much to hell. This is actually a thing that people have, right? I hope there's some way I can still have that.

But for now, I'm going to try to figure out how to start reaching out to local people to arrange in-person social time, either one on one or in small groups. I still hurt that I can't go to big parties or restaurants and such, but I'm going to do my best to find the community I can within the risk tolerance I need.

Looks like when you don't practice a musical instrument for over a month, you get out of practice. Who knew? I think maybe my mind is at a place where I can do it again.

Miriam and I watched some anime today and it made me think about something for the first time. Is it possible that part (not all!) of the reason I want to learn piano is that, so often in anime with university or high school girls, one of them plays piano? Maaaaaaybe.

This keyboard probably needs to live somewhere else long-term though. It's in the way.

Yesterday, I rode 4½ miles out and 4½ back (sorry for not translating into Canadian) to buy a set of slightly used full coverage fenders for my bike. Plastic ones usually lasted a couple years of daily commutes before the front one broke (It was always the front one; someone should start selling them individually!) and I'd been saying that the next set I buy when I'm commuting again would be nice metal ones. But these plastic ones were about $50 less than I could buy them new, so the deal was too good to pass up. To get them home, I secured them with a couple of bungee cords in an X on top of my cargo rack. Can't do that on a road bike!

I was pretty anxious about whether the seller would have any issues with me being trans, but she was perfectly fine. Maybe some day I'll stop worrying about making people feel misled, or them getting angry at me, or whatever else my brain is telling me might happen. But that day is not today!

The fenders are fine, except that they are black. They *absolutely* need to not be black before I install them so I'm going to spraypaint them or something, possibly with Train Girl's help (if we ever manage to get together in person!).

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After an interaction with an extended family member on my dad's side that made me uncomfortable, I've updated my Facebook profile. If people know that I am a transgender, mostly lesbian, anti-capitalist, apatheist woman before sending me friend requests, maybe it would save folks some time. Though most people never seem to read bios anyway.

Also, I just tried to find a pre-made circular frame for a FB profile photo in trans colors with a message like "protect trans kids" or the like, but was unable to find one. I don't suppose any of you know where to find one? I could probably figure out how to make one in Gimp or Photoshop, but I don't know if I have the energy right now.

Not on Facebook because she reads my posts there!

I'm feeling sad that train girl (the local trans girl I have a big crush on) and I have not gotten together in person since I've gotten back. She asked me to get some cheese curds for her and I made a stop at Mars Cheese Castle just to get them. And we've talked about getting together in person several times; at a dog park, or in her back yard with a fire. I have now invited her to come to the new/old place to watch some of the anime I just bought with me, when we have appropriate COVID mitigation measure in place. (A Corsi-Rosenthal box, open windows, plus good masks is enough for Miriam to feel like the risk is acceptably low.) I have some books that she was really interested in too, including an automobile mechanics manual that's now a bit over 100 years old. She asked what I'd sell it for when I said I was getting rid of it, but it's not worth much, and I told her that even if I didn't have a crush on her, I think she appreciates things like that in the same way I do so I'd be happy to just give it to her.

Yes, I did in fact tell her I have a crush on her and that, if she wasn't in a closed relationship and it wasn't for COVID, I would quite likely ask her out. She's only the second person in my life I've ever expressed interest in before the other person expressed interest in me. In the past, it was terrifying, and as I may have written, I think I didn't really know how to relate to people in that way as a boy. I thought I was demi-sexual, and that I needed a long time with someone to feel safe and comfortable with them.

Now? *sighs* In all honesty, I *really* want to go out and be slutty with other trans girls (I mean, I'm gender-flexible here, but that's where my brain is mostly at right now) and I'm fairly sure I would have no problem expressing that to them. It's so incredibly frustrating that I finally know who I am and what I want and be unable to do much about it. I have a lot of fear that by the time we know things are safe enough for Miriam, nobody will be interested in me anymore and I won't be able to fit into that kind of scene. It's causing more distress than most anything else in my life, with some obvious exceptions.

There's a trans woman who lives in Regina who I've been talking to regularly on Facebook. I first saw her on a big FB group, and when I noticed she lived in Regina I asked her if she was aware of the local community. It turns out we have a ton of interests in common; trains, slide rules, fixing vintage things. Even more coincidental, she knows the Kenosha/Racine area really well, having dated a woman who was from that area, and having traveled there a lot with her dad who was a long-haul trucker and frequently had loads to bring to or from JI Case in Racine. At this point, we've also had two 3-hour-long phone calls! And in a continuing string of coincidence, she lives very, very close to the temporary apartment Miriam and I are in while our condo is rebuilt.

She also has serious chronic pain like Miriam, so the two of them have talked about that and gotten to know each other too. I really like her, and in fact am kind of crushing on her a bit. In a comment on Facebook, I told her that if it were not for the combination of Covid and, even more so, her being in a closed long-distance relationship, I would quite likely ask her out. And yet, because of Covid, her chronic and unpredictable pain, and my unpredictable mental state, we still have not gotten together in person.

That's only the second time in my life I have expressed romantic/sexual interest in someone who didn't ask me first, and the first time it was with Lisa who I'd known for nearly 10 years. (I'm so glad I asked Lisa!) I think this has a lot to do with transitioning. When I thought I was a boy, I didn't really know how to relate to people that way. As a girl, I think I do. I used to think I was demisexual; now I think I was just scared and confused. I've told Miriam that (again, if not for Covid) if there was a hookup app for trans people, I would seriously consider trying it out. I was *terrified* of hookup apps for the longest time, and I'm so frustrated that as I'm finally figuring myself out Covid is keeping me from exploring these things.

And yeah, that's still the biggest stressor in my life. Isolation due to Covid. I hate it so much.