MeghanIsMe

These past couple of weeks were difficult in a few ways. Miriam's parents were for a week. Her dad is pretty conservative in a lot of ways and I got kind of upset with him a few times. I got sick about halfway through their visit. My best guess is I caught something while at the dentist without a mask while people were in close vicinity of my open mouth for an hour or more. Today, I finally feel like the symptoms are just ghosts of their former selves.

I reaggravated my neck and shoulder in the same place that I hurt it while I was in Wisconsin. I think it's because of all the coughing I was doing while sick. That started around when her parents left on the 15th, got really bad on the 16th, and is still giving me twinges as I move around today, but it's finally mostly better after a week of pain meds and a heating pad. I need to be careful not to type too much or do other things with that arm though, or it gets worse again.

Five days ago, I wrote:

"I think I've aggravated whatever was giving me pain in my neck and shoulder while I was in Wisconsin. (Maybe related to all the coughing I'm doing?) There, it was some of the worst pain in my life: far worse than when I broke my wrist. It's not as bad now: I am functional and able to write. But it's around a 7 when lying down and is keeping me from sleeping. I can get in a position while sitting up where it's more like a 4-5. That's while on several painkillers.

I'm also still dealing with symptoms from being ill and trying to manage all of that on like four hours of sleep. And when I did sleep last night, I had a dream where my dad told me that if I needed him he's a phone call away, and obviously he is not, so I kind of don't want to sleep anyway, except I'm exhausted. So I'm basically a mess right now. Sorry for not being communicative."

So yeah, there's some grief too that's keeping me down. That was exacerbated today by going to CostCo to pick up prescriptions and seeing Christmas decorations. I've been expecting some kind of holiday grief to come along, and today was the first big wave of it. I managed to not cry in the store at least.

On the way home, between grief, loneliness, and isolation, I ate a bunch of cake bites. I bought some after deciding that I was not likely to binge-eat them all too quickly. I was wrong. I ate half the CostCo sized container on the way home. I was feeling pretty disappointed and upset with myself while I ate them and thoughts of self-harm were in my mind, but then I thought of the inner-child work I've been doing with myself. If I was taking care of Little Meghan, and someone wanted to hurt her, I would fuck them up. And I am Little Meghan, and sometimes she eats too much because she is really sad and hurting, and that does not mean she is bad. It means she is a human being who hurts and deserves love.

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My birthday was nice, if kind of lonely. At least Miriam and her parents were there. We ordered tasty Regina style pizza and pretty unremarkable cheesecake from a local place, Western Pizza.

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I've been having some one-person girls' nights on the couch, snuggled up with my dog and my stuffed animals under a warm blanket and watching sapphic media. Those really help get me away from my thoughts sometimes. Miriam helps a lot too: I was feeling particularly bad on the morning of the 11th after my attempts to reach out in a few places online didn't get anywhere. We were at a grocery store to get something her parents needed and while she was inside she bought me a bouquet of flowers. I cried sad, happy, and deep tears against her in the car, feeling loved, and thought of, and cared for, and validated. I would be lost without her.