MeghanIsMe

The shoes I ordered arrived today, and they just make me so happy.

It's hard to explain how good gender affirmation feels. Cute boots with heels and faux-fur trim arrived, and I tried them on, and suddenly I was feeling better than I have since deciding not to go to that movie night. A new top arrived with them, and when I looked in the mirror wearing it I realized that my facial hair is looking pretty patchy after the laser, and that adds to my happiness too. I showered and shaved for the first time in a while, and I actually kind of want to go somewhere (where, I have no idea) now.

I dunno. Maybe if my brain was working better I could be more eloquent. It just feels so good to have these things that, for so long, I didn't know I could have had, or even understand that I wanted.

Gender affirmation is a hell of a drug.

I've meant to write about a bunch of stuff from the couple days I was visiting with Erik last week, but I wanted to get pictures to accompany the narrative. I haven't managed to do that yet, so you'll have to manage without.

One of the biggest things was that he took me to his local tattoo and piercing shop to get my ears pierced. I've kind of wanted to do that for quite a long time now, but never took action on it.*

I wasn't sure how much pain would be involved in the piercing. Erik's housemate said we should get my first piercing on video! It really wasn't painful enough to react much to though. The pleasant endorphin rush lasted longer than I expected too; I love that peaceful, mildly light-headed feeling I had for an hour or so after.

We also went shoe-shopping. After finding that the first Payless we tried had already closed down, we found another that still had a lot of stock. I was only interested in flats. Things with heels always seemed kind of silly to me. Why would I walk around on an intentionally sloped surface? It sounds like it would be bad for my feet, and at 5'11" I'm tall enough already without wanting to look taller. Especially if I'm presenting more fem.

Then Erik brought over some wedges with a two or three inch heel for me to try and it was one of the fastest mental one-eighties I can remember having. They were so CUTE and I instantly wanted to try them on! I ended up with several pairs of shoes, and advice from another woman with large feet who was shopping there on where to look for larger women's shoes. She seemed so excited to help!

We tried Torrid afterward where I found a couple of things on clearance; price-reduced, plus on buy-one-get-one. So I got another pair of even nicer wedges, and some knee-length boots!

This new relationship with clothes and shoes is strange. I've described it as similar to how I suddenly began to care about my hair once it was long. Before that it was a non-entity. My clothes were basically a non-entity for a long time after that, until I realized, with some help and encouragement from Danae, that among the many styles of jeans and pants out there are some that I actively liked! Suddenly, I had a preference for pants and could look for them at thrift stores. Wearing more fem clothes is a similar experience. I actually care about what I'm wearing, and it's new and fun and scary as I worry about getting it wrong.

It's good to have more shoes to choose from. I felt a bit awkward wearing worn-out old hiking shoes with otherwise light and colorful outfits.

*That's one of the awesome things about Erik, by the way. When we talk about doing something, his response is often something like 'Great! Let's plan a day for it!" He's been responsible for me doing a bunch of stuff that might otherwise just have been idle thoughts, and it's fantastic! Having someone who nudges me to get out and do things is just enough encouragement to overcome the inertia that often keeps me sitting at home because I can't get myself to just get up and do something even if know I'd enjoy it.