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Sep. 9th, 2019 10:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stormdogI'm *sooo* sleepy and tired today.
Danae's parents were visiting for the weekend. It's likely the last time we'll see them before moving 4000 miles away and I'm glad we could get together.
Painters are painting the bedrooms today, so Danae and I had to move the half of my stock of medical books that were on bookshelves against the wall in the spare room. They are in a pile two feet deep covering a chunk of the center of the living room floor. Enough other tubs and boxes of stuff around that it's difficult to get around, but they should be able to go back tonight. Danae had the idea of contacting some book dealers to try to sell them in a lot and we've heard back from one who wanted more details. I'm hopeful.
I disassembled and removed the desk that served as my electronics work bench. It made me sad. I was really excited when I set it up. It was tangible proof of my increasing confidence in myself. I'll miss all my tools and instruments while I'm away; I enjoy fixing old electronics tremendously, but no vacuum tubes for me for a while.
In fact, the hardest part of this is the emotional attachment I have to things. My bike repair stand was another example of my self-confidence in fixing things. The cheval mirror from the entry way made me so happy when I found it at a Goodwill; I'd had an eye out for one for years. Books are really hard. I have an irrational emotional connection to owning books. Even though many of the books are ones I grabbed because in a sort of aspirational way, or because they contributed to my image of myself rather than because I thought I'd sit down and read them soon. This is helping me weed my collection to things that are more important to me on a personal level; my books on architecture, photography, electronics, and infrastructure are staying safe with my parents.
I think I'm writing about stuff in an attempt to indirectly express emotion.
I'm feeling scared and sad, and excited. I've always liked the feeling of wide-open potential that comes with moving, and moving so far with so little stuff is an intensified version of that, but it's also scary and sad. I feel love and support from Danae. I feel love and support from Erik. I feel love and support from my parents and family and Danae's parents. I feel confusion about what to do and how to go about this. It's so much.
As I sort possessions, I realize I feel fear when dealing with Danae's things. Often, when I tried to organize spaces and rooms in the house I shared with my ex, she would be upset with me as I asked her about what to do with her stuff, so I ended up feeling like there was nothing I could do about the clutter because it wasn't mine and I didn't know what to do with it and maybe neither did she, so I never had the space I wanted to, for instance, set up drums in the basement. Danae is not my ex and this is another situation where I need to remind myself of that from time to time to quell the anxiety and distress.
I want to see more people, but I need to spend as much time as possible at home, getting stuff organized. Erik has been amazing and has spent so much time and effort on helping us. I love him dearly. I'm going to get out to visit him this weekend for what may be the last lengthy visit we have before I move. I'd love to see other folks who want to visit, but I'm not going to get out to visit other folks much.
So that's where I am today. I have this Wednesday off and Erik and I are going to work on the condo with Danae. I have Monday off too for part of a longer visit with Erik.
Danae's parents were visiting for the weekend. It's likely the last time we'll see them before moving 4000 miles away and I'm glad we could get together.
Painters are painting the bedrooms today, so Danae and I had to move the half of my stock of medical books that were on bookshelves against the wall in the spare room. They are in a pile two feet deep covering a chunk of the center of the living room floor. Enough other tubs and boxes of stuff around that it's difficult to get around, but they should be able to go back tonight. Danae had the idea of contacting some book dealers to try to sell them in a lot and we've heard back from one who wanted more details. I'm hopeful.
I disassembled and removed the desk that served as my electronics work bench. It made me sad. I was really excited when I set it up. It was tangible proof of my increasing confidence in myself. I'll miss all my tools and instruments while I'm away; I enjoy fixing old electronics tremendously, but no vacuum tubes for me for a while.
In fact, the hardest part of this is the emotional attachment I have to things. My bike repair stand was another example of my self-confidence in fixing things. The cheval mirror from the entry way made me so happy when I found it at a Goodwill; I'd had an eye out for one for years. Books are really hard. I have an irrational emotional connection to owning books. Even though many of the books are ones I grabbed because in a sort of aspirational way, or because they contributed to my image of myself rather than because I thought I'd sit down and read them soon. This is helping me weed my collection to things that are more important to me on a personal level; my books on architecture, photography, electronics, and infrastructure are staying safe with my parents.
I think I'm writing about stuff in an attempt to indirectly express emotion.
I'm feeling scared and sad, and excited. I've always liked the feeling of wide-open potential that comes with moving, and moving so far with so little stuff is an intensified version of that, but it's also scary and sad. I feel love and support from Danae. I feel love and support from Erik. I feel love and support from my parents and family and Danae's parents. I feel confusion about what to do and how to go about this. It's so much.
As I sort possessions, I realize I feel fear when dealing with Danae's things. Often, when I tried to organize spaces and rooms in the house I shared with my ex, she would be upset with me as I asked her about what to do with her stuff, so I ended up feeling like there was nothing I could do about the clutter because it wasn't mine and I didn't know what to do with it and maybe neither did she, so I never had the space I wanted to, for instance, set up drums in the basement. Danae is not my ex and this is another situation where I need to remind myself of that from time to time to quell the anxiety and distress.
I want to see more people, but I need to spend as much time as possible at home, getting stuff organized. Erik has been amazing and has spent so much time and effort on helping us. I love him dearly. I'm going to get out to visit him this weekend for what may be the last lengthy visit we have before I move. I'd love to see other folks who want to visit, but I'm not going to get out to visit other folks much.
So that's where I am today. I have this Wednesday off and Erik and I are going to work on the condo with Danae. I have Monday off too for part of a longer visit with Erik.
