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Trauma Dumping, I Guess. Sorry About That.
Shit's been rough, lately.
I had to be away from social media for most of a week. Back then, I had spent a couple of days reading about the current research on Covid, trying to understand how dangerous it is in general, and how dangerous it is specifically for Miriam. I concluded that the answer is potentially very dangerous, if what Miriam has is long Covid. I'd had some hope that, maybe sometimes, with small enough groups of people, I could go out and do things, and I was working to accept the loss of that hope.
Then, right after all of that, Miriam went to work and people at her meeting were not wearing masks. That, on top of having spent the last two days reading about the dangers of additional reinfection, and reflecting upon the huge number of things I deeply long for that I am giving up, was too much to react rationally to. I was enraged. I was livid. In a later online meeting she was in, I heard the voice of someone who was in attendance and I was furious. And with nothing to really focus on, that fury turned into depression and feelings of futility.
There's a lot of depression and fear beyond the loneliness of Covid too. Every one of these things could get their own write-ups.
*Fire-related fear and trauma.
-Fear that a fire will happen while I'm away from the apartment and destroy my things and kill my pets.
-Fear that it will happen while I'm sleeping.
-Still not really over the loss of our cat.
*Gender dysphoria.
*Watching my partner deal with chronic pain, brain fog, and other symptoms on a daily basis.
-Fear that her symptoms will worsen and keep her from working, threatening my ability to stay with her in Canada.
-Frustration and anger that the healthcare system is failing her.
*Lack of Canadian residency.
-Inability to work legally.
-Lack of healthcare.
-Fear that I did something wrong with my application? Other people who applied when I did have finished the process entirely whereas I still have multiple steps left. .
-Fear that they found out I'm poly or transgender and will reject my application.
*Fear about finances and anxiety about spending money.
*Depression and lack of self-worth from Miriam supporting me these past three years.
*Can I even work safely and not expose Miriam to danger? Did I waste all that time and money on my MLIS?
*Inability to do things that were major hobbies and sources of enjoyment, including:
-Photography (all my gear is destroyed).
-thrifting (can't go to stores because of Covid).
-Traveling to see weird tourist kitsch (there isn't much of that in Canada, and getting to it would cost nearly $100 or more in gas to drive to).
*Cognitive problems on my part that leave me overwhelmed trying to learn more math or work with electronics. I wasn't like this before. Is it trauma, or do I have some form of long Covid brain fog too?
*Executive functioning problems in general. I have sometimes started crying when trying to figure out what to have for dinner because it's just overwhelming. Usually it's not that bad, but sometimes it is.
*Loss of my passport in the fire and inability to leave the country in a family emergency.
*Lack of money for consistent therapy (see being unable to work legally).
*My therapist is "over" Covid, so can she help me much anyway?
-Needing to find a new therapist?
*Trauma related to the condo. Will I be able to live there after the fire after it's renovated? Will Miriam? What do we do if we can't?
*Canada Revenue challenged our moving expense declaration from 2021, so we need to work on their paperwork.
*We haven't even finished and submitted our list of lost items for the insurance claim, and I have no idea how long that will take to process once we do. Will we be in an empty condo with no money for furniture?
Sometimes, it's hard to fight against the fear and trauma and anger and despair and be a functional human being. Sometimes I fail at it, like I did for a lot of the last week. In all honesty, if I didn't have Miriam, or if something happened to her, I would be absolutely lost. Sometimes that gives rise to anxiety and fear as I try to figure out what I'd do if something horrible happened to her, and I have no answer.
I keep reminding myself, and Miriam and I keep reminding each other, that life will not always be like this. These things will pass. It won't always be like this.
It's what keeps me going sometimes.
As I said earlier this year, that's really all I want out of this new year. To find myself in a position, at the end of it, where my partner and I can stop telling each other that life will not always be this way because it won't be anymore: It will have gotten better. That's all I want.
I had to be away from social media for most of a week. Back then, I had spent a couple of days reading about the current research on Covid, trying to understand how dangerous it is in general, and how dangerous it is specifically for Miriam. I concluded that the answer is potentially very dangerous, if what Miriam has is long Covid. I'd had some hope that, maybe sometimes, with small enough groups of people, I could go out and do things, and I was working to accept the loss of that hope.
Then, right after all of that, Miriam went to work and people at her meeting were not wearing masks. That, on top of having spent the last two days reading about the dangers of additional reinfection, and reflecting upon the huge number of things I deeply long for that I am giving up, was too much to react rationally to. I was enraged. I was livid. In a later online meeting she was in, I heard the voice of someone who was in attendance and I was furious. And with nothing to really focus on, that fury turned into depression and feelings of futility.
There's a lot of depression and fear beyond the loneliness of Covid too. Every one of these things could get their own write-ups.
*Fire-related fear and trauma.
-Fear that a fire will happen while I'm away from the apartment and destroy my things and kill my pets.
-Fear that it will happen while I'm sleeping.
-Still not really over the loss of our cat.
*Gender dysphoria.
*Watching my partner deal with chronic pain, brain fog, and other symptoms on a daily basis.
-Fear that her symptoms will worsen and keep her from working, threatening my ability to stay with her in Canada.
-Frustration and anger that the healthcare system is failing her.
*Lack of Canadian residency.
-Inability to work legally.
-Lack of healthcare.
-Fear that I did something wrong with my application? Other people who applied when I did have finished the process entirely whereas I still have multiple steps left. .
-Fear that they found out I'm poly or transgender and will reject my application.
*Fear about finances and anxiety about spending money.
*Depression and lack of self-worth from Miriam supporting me these past three years.
*Can I even work safely and not expose Miriam to danger? Did I waste all that time and money on my MLIS?
*Inability to do things that were major hobbies and sources of enjoyment, including:
-Photography (all my gear is destroyed).
-thrifting (can't go to stores because of Covid).
-Traveling to see weird tourist kitsch (there isn't much of that in Canada, and getting to it would cost nearly $100 or more in gas to drive to).
*Cognitive problems on my part that leave me overwhelmed trying to learn more math or work with electronics. I wasn't like this before. Is it trauma, or do I have some form of long Covid brain fog too?
*Executive functioning problems in general. I have sometimes started crying when trying to figure out what to have for dinner because it's just overwhelming. Usually it's not that bad, but sometimes it is.
*Loss of my passport in the fire and inability to leave the country in a family emergency.
*Lack of money for consistent therapy (see being unable to work legally).
*My therapist is "over" Covid, so can she help me much anyway?
-Needing to find a new therapist?
*Trauma related to the condo. Will I be able to live there after the fire after it's renovated? Will Miriam? What do we do if we can't?
*Canada Revenue challenged our moving expense declaration from 2021, so we need to work on their paperwork.
*We haven't even finished and submitted our list of lost items for the insurance claim, and I have no idea how long that will take to process once we do. Will we be in an empty condo with no money for furniture?
Sometimes, it's hard to fight against the fear and trauma and anger and despair and be a functional human being. Sometimes I fail at it, like I did for a lot of the last week. In all honesty, if I didn't have Miriam, or if something happened to her, I would be absolutely lost. Sometimes that gives rise to anxiety and fear as I try to figure out what I'd do if something horrible happened to her, and I have no answer.
I keep reminding myself, and Miriam and I keep reminding each other, that life will not always be like this. These things will pass. It won't always be like this.
It's what keeps me going sometimes.
As I said earlier this year, that's really all I want out of this new year. To find myself in a position, at the end of it, where my partner and I can stop telling each other that life will not always be this way because it won't be anymore: It will have gotten better. That's all I want.
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no subject
I'm actually less worried about finding a library job as a trans woman than I would be in a lot of fields. And if I could work with the folks I was working with at Rush before I went to Europe, I wouldn't be worried at all. The library director there bought me nail polish as a gift once, and I'm still using it! I wasn't out as trans, even really to myself, but it was while I was working there that I started trying nail polish for the first time and she noticed and bought me some. It was *so nice*!
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No one was 'out and proud' back then- the risks were too great.