Wherein I am Scared of Boys
Another one of those 'only on Livejournal' posts. Not because I want or need to hide these things, but because I doubt my extended family would appreciate it.
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It's embarrassing, but I've been scared to log into Fetlife (Wikipedia entry for those unfamiliar) for the last two or three weeks.
I was never there looking specifically for sex. It was largely that a lot of people I knew were already there, years ago. I was never very active or social on Fetlife either. After being away from it for a while after my ex and I split up, I did finally start poking my nose into a few groups. They were groups on very lascivious topics like 'BDSM in art history' or 'critical queer theory'. I was hoping I'd find the kind of people there who were more interesting to me than most.
To be honest, I often get frustrated at the people posting in groups that are more directly prurient, or that are oriented toward advice and discussion. There are a lot of assumptions made, like 'men are doms and women are subs!' There are unanswerable questions asked, like 'tell me how to fix relationship problem X when you don't know my partner(s) or I from Adam!'. Also, the endless string of naked people, often women in submissive positions, that people I know favorite on my news feed are, to be blunt, sometimes annoying. The kind of images that turn me on visually is rather different from most people, so I don't get a lot out of seeing most of what other people enjoy. Male? Female? Other? Eh; whatever. Is there long hair? Wings? Maybe goat hooves or horns?
Actually, it's kind of funny when one of those rare images that piques my interest comes along. I suddenly remember what most people get out of looking at sexy images!
Beyond that, I feel a little bad about the objectification of seeing images of people completely detached from anything else. I don't think it's wrong to enjoy them. In fact, I like the idea of people looking at images of me that way sometimes, which is why it makes me happy that some of my pictures of me get positive comments about my hair. Yay! But my feelings are sometimes a little mixed, and I ponder how my reaction to such images is similar to and different from seeing other artistic works.
Anyway, it was kind of nice when a long-haired guy from further north in Wisconsin contacted me and just wanted to be friendly. We talked a little bit in a few exchanged messages about how few long-haired men are around, and about ren faire since he works at Bristol and I've worked at Michigan. But the conversation swiftly came around to him suggesting I meet him outside of hours at faire in the summer, and asking if he can call me on the phone or stop by and visit when he's in Kenosha. This was right at the leadup to finals, so I told him that I really didn't have time to interact via a real-time medium. This was partly evasion. He asked me when I would, and I didn't respond, and have not been on Fetlife since.
I feel like, given the tone of some of the messages, he probably wants to get together for sex. That's a subjective evaluation of course, and I should probably just ask. But I also don't want to seem presumptive. I also don't really want to hook up with someone for sex. Yet I also don't want to seem like I'm rejecting someone.
And I also would very much like to experience more sex with biological males. I'm more enticed by bio-males on the feminine side of gender identity and expression, so masculine men are a little intimidating. (I'm annoyed that I have to privilege a gender binary in talking about these things....) My experience with relationships and sex with men is pretty limited, and I suppose that contributes to the intimidation. Perhaps if I were just interested in casual sex, that kind of thing wouldn't matter as much. But I don't know if casual sex is valuable to or doable for me. Maybe, possibly, I'd enjoy casual sexual contact in some form in the circumstances of a kink convention, but I don't know.
I want to explore this more. I don't want to find that ten years have gone by and I just never got 'round to it. It's important to me. But when it comes to men in the present, boys are scary and I don't know how to interact with them, or possibly even what I want with and from them. And I certainly don't know how to explain that to some guy who I barely know, and who wants to interact with me one-on-one and outside of the sort of ways one would use to develop a friendship.
In a small way, this withdrawing from Fetlife makes me feel the way I used to feel when I was at big social events. I want to hide in a corner and be safe. At least that means it's something I can change.
-----
It's embarrassing, but I've been scared to log into Fetlife (Wikipedia entry for those unfamiliar) for the last two or three weeks.
I was never there looking specifically for sex. It was largely that a lot of people I knew were already there, years ago. I was never very active or social on Fetlife either. After being away from it for a while after my ex and I split up, I did finally start poking my nose into a few groups. They were groups on very lascivious topics like 'BDSM in art history' or 'critical queer theory'. I was hoping I'd find the kind of people there who were more interesting to me than most.
To be honest, I often get frustrated at the people posting in groups that are more directly prurient, or that are oriented toward advice and discussion. There are a lot of assumptions made, like 'men are doms and women are subs!' There are unanswerable questions asked, like 'tell me how to fix relationship problem X when you don't know my partner(s) or I from Adam!'. Also, the endless string of naked people, often women in submissive positions, that people I know favorite on my news feed are, to be blunt, sometimes annoying. The kind of images that turn me on visually is rather different from most people, so I don't get a lot out of seeing most of what other people enjoy. Male? Female? Other? Eh; whatever. Is there long hair? Wings? Maybe goat hooves or horns?
Actually, it's kind of funny when one of those rare images that piques my interest comes along. I suddenly remember what most people get out of looking at sexy images!
Beyond that, I feel a little bad about the objectification of seeing images of people completely detached from anything else. I don't think it's wrong to enjoy them. In fact, I like the idea of people looking at images of me that way sometimes, which is why it makes me happy that some of my pictures of me get positive comments about my hair. Yay! But my feelings are sometimes a little mixed, and I ponder how my reaction to such images is similar to and different from seeing other artistic works.
Anyway, it was kind of nice when a long-haired guy from further north in Wisconsin contacted me and just wanted to be friendly. We talked a little bit in a few exchanged messages about how few long-haired men are around, and about ren faire since he works at Bristol and I've worked at Michigan. But the conversation swiftly came around to him suggesting I meet him outside of hours at faire in the summer, and asking if he can call me on the phone or stop by and visit when he's in Kenosha. This was right at the leadup to finals, so I told him that I really didn't have time to interact via a real-time medium. This was partly evasion. He asked me when I would, and I didn't respond, and have not been on Fetlife since.
I feel like, given the tone of some of the messages, he probably wants to get together for sex. That's a subjective evaluation of course, and I should probably just ask. But I also don't want to seem presumptive. I also don't really want to hook up with someone for sex. Yet I also don't want to seem like I'm rejecting someone.
And I also would very much like to experience more sex with biological males. I'm more enticed by bio-males on the feminine side of gender identity and expression, so masculine men are a little intimidating. (I'm annoyed that I have to privilege a gender binary in talking about these things....) My experience with relationships and sex with men is pretty limited, and I suppose that contributes to the intimidation. Perhaps if I were just interested in casual sex, that kind of thing wouldn't matter as much. But I don't know if casual sex is valuable to or doable for me. Maybe, possibly, I'd enjoy casual sexual contact in some form in the circumstances of a kink convention, but I don't know.
I want to explore this more. I don't want to find that ten years have gone by and I just never got 'round to it. It's important to me. But when it comes to men in the present, boys are scary and I don't know how to interact with them, or possibly even what I want with and from them. And I certainly don't know how to explain that to some guy who I barely know, and who wants to interact with me one-on-one and outside of the sort of ways one would use to develop a friendship.
In a small way, this withdrawing from Fetlife makes me feel the way I used to feel when I was at big social events. I want to hide in a corner and be safe. At least that means it's something I can change.