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As much time and thought and anxiety as I've been putting into thoughts of actively seeking potential datemates, my relationship with Erik started when he asked if I'd be interested in dating and I, after processing for a while, said yes. I'm still quite frightened of the idea of being the seeker rather than the sought. Perhaps I will do that some day, but I'm so much more comfortable in the relatively passive role of deciding how I feel about others interest than I am in asking others to make those decisions about me. And thanks to experience and therapy, I feel able in ways I never have before to respond to people's expressions of interest in me thoughtfully and without feeling obligated to reciprocate, and without conflating other people's wishes with my own. Being the subject of someone else's interest feels much safer, these days, than it has.
And beyond that, right now, my life feels pleasantly full already. I live with a partner who I continue to love more every day. I have a boyfriend who I continually and joyfully anticipate my next visit with. I have household functions and maintenance to contribute to the success of, and a hobby or two to devote date nights with myself to. I've often envied people who have an array of partners and lovers and playmates to share their joy with, and I still do sometimes. But not only do I think that that would be far more stressful than joyous for me, I also don't have any desire to add external complexity or commitment to my life right now.
Right now, I'm happy, and am in a safe place to keep getting to know *myself* better.
And beyond that, right now, my life feels pleasantly full already. I live with a partner who I continue to love more every day. I have a boyfriend who I continually and joyfully anticipate my next visit with. I have household functions and maintenance to contribute to the success of, and a hobby or two to devote date nights with myself to. I've often envied people who have an array of partners and lovers and playmates to share their joy with, and I still do sometimes. But not only do I think that that would be far more stressful than joyous for me, I also don't have any desire to add external complexity or commitment to my life right now.
Right now, I'm happy, and am in a safe place to keep getting to know *myself* better.