depression, futility
Dec. 18th, 2019 08:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stormdogI am still so messed up from the stuff I dealt with in grad school, both purely internally (the constant feelings of multiple forms of inadequacy I felt) and in my relationship with the world (the knowledge that so many people are hurting and dying while so many others just don't care and that there's nothing I can do about it).
It's one of the things I talked about in therapy, but I feel like the relief was mostly symptomatic. My underlying world view isn't any different. Will that ever change? Can it ever change? The world isn't getting any better.
I used to care a lot more about a lot of things. I'm reminded of it when the people around me who I care about express that same kind of care in thought and deed, and I just feel disconnected from it. It's admirable, and makes me feel glad to be around those kind of people, but part of me feels like their belief in their own ability to help is a sort of innocence that I have lost.
It's one of the things I talked about in therapy, but I feel like the relief was mostly symptomatic. My underlying world view isn't any different. Will that ever change? Can it ever change? The world isn't getting any better.
I used to care a lot more about a lot of things. I'm reminded of it when the people around me who I care about express that same kind of care in thought and deed, and I just feel disconnected from it. It's admirable, and makes me feel glad to be around those kind of people, but part of me feels like their belief in their own ability to help is a sort of innocence that I have lost.
