Thoughts on the New Person

[stormdog]

So, that was a really lovely evening with Mississauga girl! There will likely be more of them.

She showed me a conversation she was having with her friends about me. She called me a MILF 🤣 If the shoe fits... She also thinks it's quaint that I call everything an IM instead of saying text. To me, text is when you send someone an SMS message? I am older than 95% of the people on Lex and T4T, and while maybe in a perfect world that wouldn't come up at all, I'm glad she thinks my occasional anachronisms are cute 😂
I very much enjoyed my time with her and am looking forward to more visits.

However, I am also realizing that I am very inclined to do things that give people joy *just* to give them joy. If those things include expressions of affection that I am performing that are not actually true representations of myself and my feelings, that's a problem for everyone involved. It's hard to disentangle the positive feelings from giving someone I care about joy vs positive feelings from knowing that I just gave someone joy regardless of my emotions toward them. Those reactions are both really strong, and the latter may even make me *think* I have more affection and feelings than I do. I feel like I'm pretty good, in general, at emotional self-awareness these days, but this may well be a blind spot for me. I'm wondering if this is a trauma response on my part, in some way. I have things to think about.

That thought brought to you by gender transition, the end of life-long emotional disassociation, and the letters HRT.

Comments

[cmcmck]

I got called a MILF the other day by someone responding to my puzzled reaction post to getting chatted up walking home from the station by a guy of about 25!

https://cmcmck.dreamwidth.org/1624792.html

[cmcmck]

Do you find that HRT gets rid of the brain fog? It certainly did for me- it was like removing an internal balaclava if that makes sense.

[sabotabby]

awwwyay!

[stormdog]

*bounces* Yay is a good word!

[stormdog]

What it definitely did, and maybe just living as a woman was part of it was too, was uncover my emotions for me. I was so disassociated from them, as well as my body, for my whole life. I've felt things I didn't know existed.

[stormdog]

I read about that. So odd... And I was really annoyed with the person who kept asking how men are supposed to know if someone is interested without asking them. I'm like, dude, just stop. Just stop.