(no subject)

Well. One more day of work then I'm of to Oregon. I'll have a lot of packing to do tomorrow...

What can I say about tonight? I was listening to music and thinking of Andrea and feeling listless and vaguely depressed, and then, like the first star of evening, she winked magically into existence on my monitor... Words fail me. As someone with some passing proficiency with them, this might have surprised me once, but where my dear one is concerned, it is a common occurrence. In fact, it is because of that that our computer assisted conversations can be so frustrating. There is so much that just doesn't distill down to text... *sigh* The universe is so strange. So often things seem to work out just as they need to. I wonder what reason there is for me to be so far from the most important person in my life. I can only believe that things will work out as they have to. Damn it, I believe that there are things in the universe, certain beautiful intangibles, that are more powerful than anything that can be defined in concrete terms. Things that can change lives. Things that are worth sacrifice. I probably read far too many books growing up to have an unbiased world view, but I believe that when the universe presents an opportunity, that opportunity must be pursued with all the power and ability that can possibly be applied. If it isn't, that possibility will be transfigured into a regret that will last until the end of time.
Yes, my dear one means a lot to me. Just 14 days now....

Uh-oh. The doggy is being introspective....

Chatted with Bob, one of our graphic designers, at work today while working on Dwarven Dig stuff. Among various other topics (books, movies, more books, babylon 5, more books....), we talked about our college experiences. He asked why I wasn't going to school this year and I told him that I didn't know what I wanted to do. Acknowledging that, he said that that was probably a good thing. No point in wasting time going to school when you don't know what you're doing there. "Time," he said, "is the one thing you can never get back."

That was stuck in my brain all day. Time is something you can never get back. It made me think, deeply . I need to get back to school. I am wasting my time. If I was wasting my time at school, I am wasting just as much of it now. I tried college twice. The first time, I didn't know if I was ready. As it turned out, I wasn't. The second time, I thought I was ready. As it turned out, I wasn't. *sigh* I tried twice to get into fields that I think in hindsight were really just hobbies. But that wasn't the biggest obstacle I had.

I am so completely changed since last I was attending school that I don't know if I'd recognize myself. Basically, I had no one I considered to be a good friend. I was depressed off and on through most of college, but I didn't realize how deep that went until I did make friends. I really didn't know what it was like to be content with my life. There were times I knew I was down, and times I thought I was pretty up, but looking back now I think the up times were merely not quite so down. I have friends now. I have Andrea now. I didn't know what 'up' was. But I do now. I thank the god/dess for the people I've met and care about now. Without them I would be nothing.

Yes, I had trouble with school. Some academic, but most of it related to people. Yes, I'll still have trouble. People make me nervous, and I still can't tell them apart any better than I can now. But I think I can deal with it now. That's what I said the second time, I know, but now... I know so much about myself that I didn't know then. Knowing my problem with faces and my other neurological quirks, I finally realize that there are some things I just can't do, and that there are reasons for that, and that's OK. I have limits, as does everyone. I finally know what those limits are and I can try to work around them.

Knowing people who like me, who just want to be there with me just because they like me has done so much for me that I don't know how to express it here. But I am different. I am happy. I am hopeful. I am even, if only just a little, confident in myself. And finally, I realized today that, as nice as it is to be working at Kenzer where I can wear GenCon shirts to work and talk books and gaming with the really great, interesting, and intelligent people who work there, it's getting me nowhere.

I want to go back to school. I want to learn to deal with computers; networks, firewalls, hardware, software, stupid problems and stupid users, because I've realized after doing it at home for the better part of 10 years that that's what I like doing! And, if I may be so presumptuous as to judge by my own humble experiences, I'm really not that bad at it.

So. Money is tight right now. My mother has been unemployed for quite a while. Things may be looking up though. She's hearing back about an interview early next week. My dad is in his final semester before he does his student teaching, then he'll be working for the first time in much longer than my mother. And in any case, I can look into loans I suppose, even though I still haven't paid off the ones from the other times.... But I've got to get back to school and do something significant, something that I can enjoy doing and be proud of. I'll look into going back this fall god/dess willing and life permitting. I think I'm ready now.

Third time's the charm.

(no subject)

On a lighter note:

Stormdog is a Fish-Eating Attack Monkey ...with a Battle Rating of 7.4 To see if your Food-Eating Battle Monkey can defeat Stormdog, enter your name:

D00DZZ!!!!! (\/)Y F1s|-| M0|\|K33 0W|\|Z J00000!!!! *grin*