(no subject)

Windycon was so much better than I was worried it might be. In fact, it was, in a lot of ways, better than I had hoped it could be.

The days spent in ops were very good. I enjoy being a part of the organization of things. I enjoy contributing to the fen community. I enjoy being in a controlled space and interacting with a good number of new people in a controlled setting. I enjoy being with and working with my friends, getting to know them better and becoming more comfortable with them.

When it came to social interaction Friday evening after my shift ended and Andrea and I went up to the party rooms, things were a bit rougher due to misunderstandings about what our mutual plans and goals were for the night. She didn't realize at first that I wanted to go out and try to deal with the large groups at the parties so we stayed down with our small group at operations longer than either of us wanted to and, having started late and grumpy, decided that maybe the effort was best saved for tomorrow.

But Saturday was so wonderful. I felt confident and comfortable from the beginning of the evening onward, and I never lost that feeling. There were a few things that really changed my mental state for the better. A little bit of it was that I felt really good about how I looked; I love being in my boots and tights and eyeliner. More of it was due to the time I got to spend with lisagems watching a movie in the film room. We didn't talk about anything very serious or in depth, but I found, quite unexpectedly, that simply being with her for the time I was was a catalyst for a reaction in my brain that helped me process my thoughts about some of the relationship issues I've been trying to puzzle out. Another part of it was knowing that Moira was willing to devote some of her time to me in being a buffer for me against overwhelming numbers of people or more direct attention than I could deal with.

But as it turns out, I barely needed that sort of support at all on Saturday. Maybe another part of it too was that the crowds were only small to middling, but Moira and I went through a number of parties together where I comfortably engaged a couple people in conversation, enjoyed being near my fellow fen, and generally had a really good time with very little necessity to lean on my love for assistance. It could be that another part of it was my decision to try to really stop worrying about recognizing people and just pretend that I didn't know anybody and was meeting them all for the first time. That took some stress off of me too. And maybe just knowing, really knowing, that she was there if I needed her helped. Even better are her assurances that I was not a hinderment to her and that I did not drag her down; she was able to have a good time along with me. Maybe I really have a hope at this.

I'm not saying that I was any sort of social adept. I did not feel ready to venture out on my own and start cruising the parties. I still let her set the course and speed of our voyage through the hotel while I followed along in tow, but I felt much more like a companion and less like a hanger-on. It was all an incredibly positive experience. Considering that I was quite near giving up if this plan that Andrea and I had decided to try wan't going to work, this was a really good thing.

I'm still not ready to deal with things like a wall-to-wall crush of people in smoky darkness punctuated by the lightning flashes of a strobe light like the room party that sent me fleeing from Capricon, and I doubt that I ever will be or even want to, but I find myself actually looking forward to navigating the party circuit at MFF this coming weekend. Beyond that, there's a higher chance of being flirted with by cute guys which is something that, if other circumstances are such that I can be comfortable with it, I would not at all mind having more practice with.

The other highlight of the con for me was meeting Elizabeth Moon and having the chance to talk to her briefly while she signed my copy of The Speed of Dark. I had never heard of Elizabeth Moon before Friday morning when rennie_frog handed me a copy of The Speed of Dark. After reading three chapters in her car on the way to Windycon, I had already decided that I needed to own a copy. Then, after perusing the con program in the Ops suite and realizing that Ms. Moon was actually going to be at the con(!!), I went down to the dealer's room and bought a copy.

I attended a panel she was on about differently abled heroes, which talked about fictional protagonists with disabilities such as blindness, deafness, limited motion (quadriplegic heroes), heroes of large size, and, yes, heroes with neurological impairments like autism or Asperger's Syndrome. rennie_frog was at the panel too, but left a bit before I did and so missed seeing me breaking down and crying as I told Ms. Moon how beautiful a thing it is to read a book with a character who notices the things that I notice and who thinks like me! I am so grateful to the person who introduced me to this wonderful book; thank you.