(no subject)

On school and stress.

Yesterday, I finally got to a point with my presentation where I feel like I can take a little bit of a break. I rewrote it to be more data-drive, and more focused on the research the team did at the beginning, and with a bit less emphasis on literature about other markets. As my advisor suggested, what we're really talking about is what we did. Anybody can do a literature review. So I sent that version out to folks, and we're all going to get together on Friday for more writing. I feel pretty good about that, and I'm going to use today to work on other school stuff.

As I've told both of my partners, I feel like I've been stressed about this presentation to an irrational and unjustifiable degree. Part of it is that I've felt pretty unsure about form and goals for this projects. But I don't think that's enough to make my response a reasonable one. I've had a significant level of stress about it for months. Since before the semester started, in fact. It's kept me from doing a lot of things I'd really have liked to do, such as Open Doors Chicago this weekend, or taking more trips for photography while I was in Toronto. Instead, I was in front of a computer trying to work on writing. (And often getting distracted due to stress and uncertainty.) I've been less social than I'd like, and inclined to be reclusive or even grumpy at home.

This particular project is finally feeling mostly manageable, and that's a tremendous relief. I'm hoping that I'll be able to start coming out of my self-imposed state of stress and disconnection. But I also commented to my partners that I'm thinking about talking to a counselor at school about where my brain's been and how to address this kind of issue. I've known that I'm prone to it for a long time. But this has been particularly problematic for me, and I really, really don't like being in that state. Being that person.

lisagems suggested that I put aside the project and talk to someone there now, and come back to it afterward. She has really good advice that I should listen to. But I'm kind of in flux about it. On one hand, I feel like it will make me more stressed by giving me one more time commitment to worry about. As well, my level of stress is much reduced. At least, today it is. And when I'm not feeling ridiculously stressed out, I tend to start feeling that that the problems I'm having don't merit as large a reaction as talking to a counselor. That I'll look silly trying to explain how much of my life I feel like this thing ate over the past months. I know that feeling that way is not terribly reasonable either. I will likely make an appointment with the counselling center soonish.

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Yesterday I did a lesson plan for my SI sessions too. Today I'm going to do the rest of the reading I need to do for the upcoming week's classes, then dig into the book that I'm suppposed to have read for Tuesday that I haven't started because I've been doing other things.

I did get my first short paper for African-American History back with an A; that feels good! Last week I also got my Introduction to Geography test back with an A, but that's hardly a surprise. It was mostly terminology and basic concepts. I can do that stuff in my sleep. If I'd actually devoted more time to studying than just reading through my notes from class a couple times and going over the review sheet, I probably could have done even better. But I'm also getting to the point where I can figure out how much work I need to do to be certain of an A, and then keeping myself from going overboard. That's a really good skill.

On bike commuting, construction of identity, and my grandmother.

In other news, my grandmother came up to see my dad's production of Almost, Maine yesterday. My family went out and had lunch with her, except my dad who was at the high school getting ready.

It was great to see her again, and I feel really bad that I haven't gone out and visited her in Richmond. She's decided that she is no longer a safe driver, so is increasingly unable to get out and do things. She does, however, live in a large house with my aunt and uncle and their children, so that makes a big difference. I love that relative of mine have managed to live in an extended family grouping for so long. It's really unusual, and it makes me happy.

Anyway, we all chatted for a bit over lunch before I went back home and to work while they saw the show. I'm going to go visit her in person, too, after my presentation is done and I feel like time is my own again.

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While that was going on, my bike was at the shop here in town getting fenders installed. It's back home, and I'm really digging having an increasingly practical bike for bad weather commuting. I'd really like to try living as car-free as is reasonable for me here in Kenosha. To that end, as well as the fenders, I just got a nice frame pump in case I get a flat, and I also bought a trailer. It was from a Craigslist seller, who had a $100 trailer for hauling two small children around for $40. So I picked it up with the intent of using it for large shopping trips, dropping stuff off at Goodwill, that kind of thing. I haven't installed the connector for it yet, but it looks pretty easy.

I'm enjoying constructing an identity facet as a serious bike commuter. I've found myself wondering how much of that comes from actual money savings and how much of it is me shaping myself into a person more inline with my idealized self. Clearly I'd save a ton of money if I didn't have a car at all. But I do, and I have to keep paying for insurance and such things. And with the bike, I've spent a non-trivial amount of money on all these (to be fair, very practical) doo-dads. Calculating money saved over driving, it doesn't look terribly good if I put gas money up against things like fenders, a pump, a spare inner tube, a trailer, and winter snow tires and a rain cape in the future. On the other hand, if I look at those costs for the bicycle as part of the cost of the vehicle, and then include the cost of the car and the parts and services that it needed to be drivable, then the bicycle is still the clear winner, by a vast margin. Plus, I suspect that biking 80 miles a week to school and back keeps me way healthier than I would otherwise be, so that's a real benefit that should be taken into account.

But I do hope that my opportunistic purchase of a trailer turns out to be at least as much about utility as it is about me feeling cool and urban because I have a bike trailer.

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I applied mink oil to my boots today, in the interest of protecting them from the salt and dirt of winter, and keeping them waterproof. Like everything else I've read reviews on, half the people say mink oil is great and you should use it on all your boots, and the other half say that it's terrible stuff that will make your shoes smell bad, feel weird, and collect dust. Whatever; I put it on. We'll see how it goes. I want to learn to choose quality, durable goods that will last, and I want to take care of them the right way to make them last longer. I guess I just have to dive in, do my best at it, and learn.

I feel like I have other things to say, but they've fallen out of my head. Hopefully I'll be here more often in the future to record them!