School Status

I'm managing better today. I called my grandmother and will be seeing her this coming Sunday for lunch. I'm looking forward to telling her all about the program at Syracuse and my visit to the campus.

I got my history mid-term, due today, done and uploaded. The next big things I have to think about this semester are my land use planning term project and my poster for the AAG (Association of American Geographers) conference in two weeks.

But my poster for the CSAS (Central States Anthropological Society) this weekend is done! In fact, I tracked down instructions for accessing my university webspace, so you can download it from here if you're interested:

http://homepages.uwp.edu/allen019/PikeCreek/callenpikecreekurapposter.ppt

If you look at it, I'd love to know what you think.

I'm leaving Thursday at 5:30 in the morning for the drive to Minneapolis. The conference runs through Saturday evening, so I should be home lat that day. I need to try to pack what I need to work on things while I'm there. Probably a lit review for my land use project.

I was originally going to compare a 1925 Kenosha city plan with a similar 1935 document, and maybe the current comprehensive plan too, but I changed my mind for a few reasons. Instead, I'm going to write about current thoughts on bicycle infrastructure in urban planning. I know there's a crapload of literature on that topic already 'cause I've read a little of it, and I can even do a case-study of Kenosha using the city's bike development plan from 2006, which I have a copy of here.

Lastly, I'm excited because a clothing order for Miriam and myself that we made via a Chinese reseller has arrived at her place and I'm looking forward to trying on a neat shirt that arrived for me next time I can see her!

So that's where my brain's at. How are you?

Mental State Update

I have a headache and am going to try to get a reasonable amount of sleep tonight instead of getting distracted by everything but going to bed. I really feel like my inability to get to sleep might be an expression of a desire to control what's going on in my life. When I feel out of control of other things, at least I can control my own schedule and give myself extra time in the day. Except I generally don't get anything useful done during that span, it makes me tired the next day, and it's really a *lack* of control since I can't get myself to go to bed on time.

Often when I'm feeling really stressy, I don't get around to journaling much about my mental state. I'd like to do it more consistently, so I have notes to look back on in the future. That's a big part of why I started journaling and blogging to begin with, and my existing ten-years-plus history on Livejournal is really interesting to look back on from time to time.

I'm still feeling a lot of time stress. I haven't gone back to see the counselor for a while now. We were going to reschedule because I was going to be in Syracuse during the regular appointment, and then I haven't followed up, partly because dedicating the time to that was kind of stressful. But some of the techniques he showed me for managing stress and anxiety are really helpful, especially focused breathing.

I'm pretty stressy about the way school continues to consume all of my time. It's very important to me to spend time with friends and family before I move away to Syracuse in August, but I haven't made time to do so. I don't see how to do that without missing various deadlines. I'm actually feeling a bit resentful about the classes I'm taking that are serious time commitments but are not necessary for graduation. One of my best friends in all the world has been in the hospital and then homebound for more than a week, and I haven't even gone to visit. I feel really bad about that, and it makes me feel even more motivated to get enough stuff done that I can devote time to people who are important to me.

But progress is always so slow. I keep thinking that someday I'll get to the point where I'm an experienced enough writer and researcher that I can whip papers and posters and things out in no time, but I suspect that's wishful thinking. I do think there are some techniques I need to make myself adopt that will help. Organizing facts and perspectives that I want to include and relating them together before I start actually writing, for instance. I've never done that in the past, and even though I know it will make things faster, I'm a creature of habit and it's hard to change. I have at least been much better about not proof-reading as I write. Instead, I just push through a rough draft, then revise, revise, revise. It's a much better approach.

Danae has told me that I should realize that I don't need to make everything I turn in the best that it can be. I can relax a little bit. Turn in work that is good enough. I agree! But it's really hard for me to do that. I told her that I don't even really feel like I know how. Just stop a little early, she said. Finish writing something, and if it feels good enough, don't worry about revision. Which is what I did with my history mid-term today. The thing goes on for fourteen double-spaced pages because they were interesting questions. But I'm going to say "good enough" and move on.

Danae. Oh, how I will miss her. We've talked about setting up a recurring date night for playing some online games or similar together, but with our mutually packed schedules, it might be hard to set up a time that consistently works for us. But I'm sure we'll figure something out. There's a game called Wander that, amazingly enough for an MMORPG, actually looks really engaging. I could see it being a really romantic thing, exploring that game world with her, making it a special thing we do together.

I don't think I show that side of myself here terribly often since I'm mostly writing about daily ephemera, but I really am a romantic, and I love that idea.

I'm trying to decide whether the occasional serious levels of anxiety I feel are strong enough to refer to as panic/anxiety attacks. I don't want to diminish the term as used by people who have more serious problems than I do. I don't find myself with shortness of breath or a racing heart; I just end up in a state where everything seems so overwhelming and unapproachable. It feels as though there's just too much to do and I can't possibly get through it all and I don't know where to start.

Fortunately, this is the sort of thing that the focused breathing helps with. I can get centered and grounded, and the bad neurochemicals retreat to whatever glands they came from. Danae is a tremendous help with this too, when she's there to let me cuddle her and cry and vent about how buried in commitments I feel.

Ok, I'm going to go get ready for bed and try to make myself get to bed at eleven. My phone has a go-to-bed reminder at ten-to, but I can't remember the last time I actually listened to it. Tonight, I'm going to try!