Back from our Trip

Danae and I just got back from our trip around Lake Michigan. I guess a lot of stuff happened while we were away!

We actually stopped listening to "Skin Game" (the Dresden Files book) in the car while driving through northern Wisconsin to talk about discussion on a poly-focused researchers mailing list about the implications of the gay-marriage decision on legal aspects of non-monogamy.

I still have some issues with the legal and social construction of marriage in general, and the legalization of marriage for same-sex partners doesn't change those issues. Regardless, I'm so very happy that my country is moving in what is at least a vaguely socially progressive direction. Yay!!

Dismissive Attitudes About Change in Marriage

The other comment I have to make on gay marriage is on the topic of the conversation happening around it.

I'm a little bit annoyed by people saying that the legalization of same-sex marriage will have absolutely no effect on hetero marriage. That isn't true, and making that statement is dismissive of the opposition. Dismissing people's feelings doesn't help to create dialogue; it creates hostility.

Non hetero marriage changes hetero marriage by bringing to light the unexamined privilege inherent in marriage as it has been practiced in the US. It fundamentally changes the social construction of marriage by changing what social groups may participate in the institution. To some people, and to use a sports analogy since it comes to mind, it's like changing the rules of a game and then continuing to hand out the same awards. People can continue to break home run records, say, but no one will ever do it with the same equipment under the same conditions that it was first done.

In this case I think it's a good thing. But I also think that it's up to us to talk about how the rules change really benefits everyone rather than telling people who don't like it that nothing's really changed and they should just shut up. No, things have changed a lot, and it's never going to be the way it was. That's a cause for celebration. We should understand that and help others to understand that as well, rather than tell them that their feelings don't matter. The latter is a good way to make enemies. The former might just make a friend or two.