stormdog | Feb. 5th, 2016

Chocolate-peanut butter ice cream with some lingonberry sauce drizzled on top? Sure!

Thanks to Danae's roommate for giving me that sauce when I was last visiting; it's been getting a lot of use!

Yesterday, I decided I wanted to try the other Indian Buffet in Syracuse. Not the one where an employee was spitting loudly into a sink in the back of the dining area the first (and last) time I ate there. I walked the 1.5 miles up the hill to the Westcott neighborhood and stuffed myself with tasty food. The chicken tiki masala was pleasantly spicy, and I ladled tamarind sauce onto everything because I adore tamarind sauce. With that plus my outing with Lily, I walked about five miles yesterday. It's been so good to be active; it's good for me in several ways.

I'm fighting with myself a little bit over feeling committed to it. Since so much of my stress has been feeling like I have no time to myself, part of me feels a little bit avoidant about going out every afternoon for dog walking. The process is so enjoyable and good for me though, that this is an excellent sort of therapy to get myself feeling okay about a regular commitment I suppose. As I've walked, I've thought about what I've been doing over the past few days and what I want to do. Sometimes I think about the fact that this is my time, and I can do with it what I want. I say so to myself out loud, and it's a euphoric realization; it makes me want to dance. I'm also reminding myself, as I sometimes look for excuses to cut the experience short and go home, that I don't have to be at home. I don't have anything I need to do right now and it's ok to be away from the apartment.

That said, I'm also doing things in the apartment that I haven't done in a long time. When I brought my stereo equipment with me, I planned to spend some time sitting and listening to music. I never did; I was too anxious about time. Over the last week, I've spent some time sitting on my couch and listening to entire albums. Sometimes I look at the glowing radio dial on the amp and imagine the electrons flowing through its circuits. Sometimes I close my eyes and just listen. Sometimes I fall asleep and take a little nap. This is another thing I should have been doing this whole time, but wasn't.

I don't seem to know how, or be able to, create boundaries between time for work and time for me. It's something I need to get a handle on before I try school again. I need this kind of time, and it's hard for me to let myself have it. Even now, when there are not other commitments on my time, I sometimes look for excuses to not be so indulgent.