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Jun. 11th, 2019 08:05 amAs the story about people offering free "mom hugs" and "dad hugs" at pride events has circulated, it's reminded me of the way I feel about memes of a similar nature. Memes saying things like "If your parent doesn't accept you, I'm your parent now!" I've never really thought that those gesture have a deep emotional affect on people. My own reaction has been that it's a cute, easy thing to do that will maybe give a few people a smile. Seeing the way that those things can reach deep into hurting people and give them some comfort is both amazing and confusing to me.
What makes it not work for me is that it's just entirely impersonal. It might be nice of someone to say that they want to be a caring family member to me, but...if it's someone I don't know who I just happen to see in person at a major event, they are empty words. This is even more true when it's a meme that gets shared online with people who don't even know the person who's sharing it or who wrote the words. I feel like if I had grown up without a parent who loved me and I saw someone casually offering to take on that role for every passing individual, it would just hurt me. It would remind me of what I didn't have and what could never be replaced by a shallow and impersonal, if well-meaning, expression of care.
I love it when people who I care about and who care about me send me encouraging pictures of potatos or puppies telling me how good a job I'm doing, but that's because it's personal. It's from someone who knows me and believes in me. Without that context, I just don't get anything from it.
----
A friend responded on Facebook with a story about how her mother said that if she'd known that my friend and her brother would turn out queer she wouldn't have had kids. That she was suicidal as a teen and that kind of expression of care would have touched her deeply. In response, I wrote:
"I'm so sorry you experienced that. *hugs*
It clearly means a great deal to some people, and I'm glad it helps them. I suspect it's one of those things that's impossible for me to understand. And I'm realizing, as I think about these things together, that it may actually shape my entire relationship with things like Facebook, where that kind of impersonal sentiment of care is so common. Maybe that's part of what really drives people's engagement with the platform, and I'm over to one side going 'what's with all these silly memes? Why doesn't anyone actually want to talk and connect?'
Maybe we're all looking for the same things (feelings of care and connection), but I don't get those feelings from the same things that most other users of the platform do."
What makes it not work for me is that it's just entirely impersonal. It might be nice of someone to say that they want to be a caring family member to me, but...if it's someone I don't know who I just happen to see in person at a major event, they are empty words. This is even more true when it's a meme that gets shared online with people who don't even know the person who's sharing it or who wrote the words. I feel like if I had grown up without a parent who loved me and I saw someone casually offering to take on that role for every passing individual, it would just hurt me. It would remind me of what I didn't have and what could never be replaced by a shallow and impersonal, if well-meaning, expression of care.
I love it when people who I care about and who care about me send me encouraging pictures of potatos or puppies telling me how good a job I'm doing, but that's because it's personal. It's from someone who knows me and believes in me. Without that context, I just don't get anything from it.
----
A friend responded on Facebook with a story about how her mother said that if she'd known that my friend and her brother would turn out queer she wouldn't have had kids. That she was suicidal as a teen and that kind of expression of care would have touched her deeply. In response, I wrote:
"I'm so sorry you experienced that. *hugs*
It clearly means a great deal to some people, and I'm glad it helps them. I suspect it's one of those things that's impossible for me to understand. And I'm realizing, as I think about these things together, that it may actually shape my entire relationship with things like Facebook, where that kind of impersonal sentiment of care is so common. Maybe that's part of what really drives people's engagement with the platform, and I'm over to one side going 'what's with all these silly memes? Why doesn't anyone actually want to talk and connect?'
Maybe we're all looking for the same things (feelings of care and connection), but I don't get those feelings from the same things that most other users of the platform do."
