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Feb. 7th, 2020 01:20 pmWhen I find a therapist here, I think this is what I need to talk about most. Working out gender identity is deeply important to me, but when I try to be myself in ways that make other people uncomfortable, it feels like a failure on my part. I hate taking up space, mental or physical. It's worse since grad school. Ceding space to people around me is so easy and natural, and so comfortable in the short to medium term.
https://letsqueerthingsup.com/2019/07/06/7-subtle-signs-your-trauma-response-is-to-fawn/
In another post, this author wrote "Sometimes I just let other people make decisions on where we go and what we do together, because if something goes awry, it won’t be because I “failed” to make a good choice.
I once felt guilty because a friend of mine spent thirty minutes looking for parking near the cafe I chose to meet them at. As if I somehow control whether or not a parking space is available."
That is exactly the way I feel when I'm with a group of people trying to decide on a thing to do. I hate making that decision because I might be wrong and cause other people discomfort. I'm much, much rather they make decisions that discomfort me because I can deal with that on my own and I won't have annoyed someone else. It's really difficult to even accept that I should, just maybe, express my own opinion without trying to craft it around my perceptions of other people's expectations. Honestly, I often don't even know if I *have* an opintion because what I want feels so inseparable from what other people want. People tried to take me out for my birthday once and wanted me to decide where to go. I really, really didn't want to. It made me *so* uncomfortable and I wished that they would just pick a place so I didn't have to. I ended up choosing a place because I thought it was one that they would enjoy even though I didn't really like it that much myself.
Erik pointed me at this line of reading and thought and I am grateful. He also tries very hard to get me to say what *I* want when we're together, even when it's really hard for me and I am so grateful for that it almost makes me cry thinking about it.
https://letsqueerthingsup.com/2019/07/06/7-subtle-signs-your-trauma-response-is-to-fawn/
In another post, this author wrote "Sometimes I just let other people make decisions on where we go and what we do together, because if something goes awry, it won’t be because I “failed” to make a good choice.
I once felt guilty because a friend of mine spent thirty minutes looking for parking near the cafe I chose to meet them at. As if I somehow control whether or not a parking space is available."
That is exactly the way I feel when I'm with a group of people trying to decide on a thing to do. I hate making that decision because I might be wrong and cause other people discomfort. I'm much, much rather they make decisions that discomfort me because I can deal with that on my own and I won't have annoyed someone else. It's really difficult to even accept that I should, just maybe, express my own opinion without trying to craft it around my perceptions of other people's expectations. Honestly, I often don't even know if I *have* an opintion because what I want feels so inseparable from what other people want. People tried to take me out for my birthday once and wanted me to decide where to go. I really, really didn't want to. It made me *so* uncomfortable and I wished that they would just pick a place so I didn't have to. I ended up choosing a place because I thought it was one that they would enjoy even though I didn't really like it that much myself.
Erik pointed me at this line of reading and thought and I am grateful. He also tries very hard to get me to say what *I* want when we're together, even when it's really hard for me and I am so grateful for that it almost makes me cry thinking about it.
