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Mental Health
Apr. 22nd, 2022 06:29 pmAnother post made me think about the fact that it's been 6 years since I left my master's program at Syracuse and In many ways I'm still not recovered. Learning about the fundamentally unjust nature of modern production of urban space made me too depressed to be functional. I was a danger to myself. It makes me feel like a failure and a disappointment to lots of people and I still cry thinking about it sometimes.
(But I cried a couple days ago because I saw a commercial for dog food with a dog who couldn't get up some stairs and it made me think of my Akita at the end of his life over 10 years ago and suddenly I was crying into Miriam's lap. So maybe I just cry a lot.)
This affects so many parts of my life still. School is particularly hard for me sometimes because there are some triggers there, but I'm getting through. I think my social anxiety is is tied to Syracuse too. When I was there, I bought a two volume micro-print set of the complete OED at a library book sale. I was so excited to have it! When I left the program, I was too embarrassed and anxious to go back on campus and retrieve it from my little shared office. Going to seminars became harder and harder for me too. I felt like I had nothing to contribute, and beyond that talking about public policy in one class and social justice in an urban context in another was just so fucking depressing.
I had some anxiety and depression before returning to undergrad, and being in undergrad exacerbated that but it was manageable. I had a lot of anxiety that kept me working on school stuff and neglecting a social life, but it was manageable.
The collapse of my mental health at Syracuse pushed the anxiety and depression into overdrive. It's been so bad for so long now. There was a span where I was starting to feel better in general. I was working at RUMC library with Jo Cates and I loved the work and I loved the people and I started feeling competent. There's not a lot of stuff that makes me feel competent, and it's an amazing feeling. I loved being there.
I also started being more social again. I got involved with Erik who was an amazing, supportive boyfriend to me and introduced me to more people. I felt like I had a social future, in which I would get to know more people, feel more and more able to be myself as I started dressing in ways that made me feel pretty and happy.
Then Covid and my move to the Netherlands came along. No more social life. I have not seen a friend in person since early in 2020, more than two years ago. Social anxiety hit me so hard there. I constantly felt like a burden because I didn't speak Dutch, even though 99% of the population in Amsterdam spoke English. I was scared of going to stores because I didn't want to bother people. Sometimes the cashier would say something to me in Dutch and I felt such deep, profound embarrassment. Eventually, between that and Covid, we just started getting all of our groceries delivered.
I've started seeing someone who does EMDR therapy. I think it's effective, but I can't be sure since I've only had three sessions with her. Insurance via Miriam's job covers three sessions at a time, then you have to wait and request new authorization for three more sessions, and so on. But I really like her, and I think she might be able to help me be more like I was before Syracuse. I don't know what else can.
Even though school is hard for me right now (sometimes it's *really hard*, like lying in bed unable to function because I have a deadline and I'm sure my work isn't good enough and I'm going to fail hard), I'm hoping that being a librarian is going to be good for me again. Working at a library was the happiest I have ever been doing work I was paid for, and I'm hanging on to the hope that it will be that again.
I've talked to Miriam about trying to find acceptance. About how if you become disabled (which mental health has some similarity to) it helps to come to terms with yourself as you are and stop comparing yourself to the way you were. I'm so torn by that idea. I don't want to be this way. I want to not be scared and sad about everything anymore. But I'd like to not be scared and sad about myself either.
I don't know if I have much of a point. Something good-intentioned but thoughtless someone said somewhere else about finding happiness through serving other people pulled up a lot of emotions. That being useful "should make you happy". There are situations and people for whom there can be a toxic combination of expectation that comes from those shoulds. Those expectations might feel inescapable without someone(s) there to say "you don't need to shoulder this burden." I'm grateful beyond expressing to Miriam for being that person for me.
(But I cried a couple days ago because I saw a commercial for dog food with a dog who couldn't get up some stairs and it made me think of my Akita at the end of his life over 10 years ago and suddenly I was crying into Miriam's lap. So maybe I just cry a lot.)
This affects so many parts of my life still. School is particularly hard for me sometimes because there are some triggers there, but I'm getting through. I think my social anxiety is is tied to Syracuse too. When I was there, I bought a two volume micro-print set of the complete OED at a library book sale. I was so excited to have it! When I left the program, I was too embarrassed and anxious to go back on campus and retrieve it from my little shared office. Going to seminars became harder and harder for me too. I felt like I had nothing to contribute, and beyond that talking about public policy in one class and social justice in an urban context in another was just so fucking depressing.
I had some anxiety and depression before returning to undergrad, and being in undergrad exacerbated that but it was manageable. I had a lot of anxiety that kept me working on school stuff and neglecting a social life, but it was manageable.
The collapse of my mental health at Syracuse pushed the anxiety and depression into overdrive. It's been so bad for so long now. There was a span where I was starting to feel better in general. I was working at RUMC library with Jo Cates and I loved the work and I loved the people and I started feeling competent. There's not a lot of stuff that makes me feel competent, and it's an amazing feeling. I loved being there.
I also started being more social again. I got involved with Erik who was an amazing, supportive boyfriend to me and introduced me to more people. I felt like I had a social future, in which I would get to know more people, feel more and more able to be myself as I started dressing in ways that made me feel pretty and happy.
Then Covid and my move to the Netherlands came along. No more social life. I have not seen a friend in person since early in 2020, more than two years ago. Social anxiety hit me so hard there. I constantly felt like a burden because I didn't speak Dutch, even though 99% of the population in Amsterdam spoke English. I was scared of going to stores because I didn't want to bother people. Sometimes the cashier would say something to me in Dutch and I felt such deep, profound embarrassment. Eventually, between that and Covid, we just started getting all of our groceries delivered.
I've started seeing someone who does EMDR therapy. I think it's effective, but I can't be sure since I've only had three sessions with her. Insurance via Miriam's job covers three sessions at a time, then you have to wait and request new authorization for three more sessions, and so on. But I really like her, and I think she might be able to help me be more like I was before Syracuse. I don't know what else can.
Even though school is hard for me right now (sometimes it's *really hard*, like lying in bed unable to function because I have a deadline and I'm sure my work isn't good enough and I'm going to fail hard), I'm hoping that being a librarian is going to be good for me again. Working at a library was the happiest I have ever been doing work I was paid for, and I'm hanging on to the hope that it will be that again.
I've talked to Miriam about trying to find acceptance. About how if you become disabled (which mental health has some similarity to) it helps to come to terms with yourself as you are and stop comparing yourself to the way you were. I'm so torn by that idea. I don't want to be this way. I want to not be scared and sad about everything anymore. But I'd like to not be scared and sad about myself either.
I don't know if I have much of a point. Something good-intentioned but thoughtless someone said somewhere else about finding happiness through serving other people pulled up a lot of emotions. That being useful "should make you happy". There are situations and people for whom there can be a toxic combination of expectation that comes from those shoulds. Those expectations might feel inescapable without someone(s) there to say "you don't need to shoulder this burden." I'm grateful beyond expressing to Miriam for being that person for me.
