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Jul. 9th, 2016 11:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stormdogI'm having trouble being a passenger in a car. When it's Danae driving, I do well. With others, though, I feel anxiety caused by a feeling of being out of control of my surroundings. When Danae and I went with Posi to New Jersey, I drove the whole way from Ohio to New Jersey, and I did the majority of the drive back, too. Posi thanked me for all the driving, but I really just preferred to be in the driver's seat. I felt sometimes like he was tired or inattentive. He assured me he was fine, and I don't think he's the kind of person who has to be weird and macho about that kind of thing, so rationally I think I was more worried about his state of mind than I needed to be.
Yesterday, Danae and I went to see A Chorus Line in Stratford. Her dad drove on the way out, and it made me deeply anxious. He was an automobile racer when he was younger, and he drives very aggressively. Danae is convinced that he's a safe driver. I have my doubts, but she's pointed out that he's never been in an accident, and his reflexes are remarkable. Still, another time I was in Canada, he did do something that all of us in the car agreed was unsafe. He agreed and apologized, but I've still felt anxious with him driving even when I was in good mental health. Yesterday, I just mentally checked out while he was driving, lying down across the back seat with my head in Danae's lap. Her mother drove home, and she's still a much more aggressive driver than I am (which is not saying much). So I was stressed out by that, and by feeling like I was annoying her dad, and by feeling like I was stuck in a space that was out of my control and that I didn't want to be in, and by not wanting them to feel bad about me, and by not knowing whether my anxiety was justified, and not wanting to talk about it with her parents.... It was sweet of them to take us out, but I think it was a big cause of me being non-functionally stressy and depressed yesterday evening and today. I was having a lot of self-critical and negative thoughts and feelings.
I slept almost all of today, but I'm finally feeling much better. Over dinner with Danae's parents, I even explained the lack of control and stress I feel when being a passenger. They seemed understanding, and though I continue to be embarassed about my current state and anxious about what they think of me, I felt better. I managed to get the last chunk of coding for Danae done as well, so I'm planning for some bicycling tomorrow!
Yesterday, Danae and I went to see A Chorus Line in Stratford. Her dad drove on the way out, and it made me deeply anxious. He was an automobile racer when he was younger, and he drives very aggressively. Danae is convinced that he's a safe driver. I have my doubts, but she's pointed out that he's never been in an accident, and his reflexes are remarkable. Still, another time I was in Canada, he did do something that all of us in the car agreed was unsafe. He agreed and apologized, but I've still felt anxious with him driving even when I was in good mental health. Yesterday, I just mentally checked out while he was driving, lying down across the back seat with my head in Danae's lap. Her mother drove home, and she's still a much more aggressive driver than I am (which is not saying much). So I was stressed out by that, and by feeling like I was annoying her dad, and by feeling like I was stuck in a space that was out of my control and that I didn't want to be in, and by not wanting them to feel bad about me, and by not knowing whether my anxiety was justified, and not wanting to talk about it with her parents.... It was sweet of them to take us out, but I think it was a big cause of me being non-functionally stressy and depressed yesterday evening and today. I was having a lot of self-critical and negative thoughts and feelings.
I slept almost all of today, but I'm finally feeling much better. Over dinner with Danae's parents, I even explained the lack of control and stress I feel when being a passenger. They seemed understanding, and though I continue to be embarassed about my current state and anxious about what they think of me, I felt better. I managed to get the last chunk of coding for Danae done as well, so I'm planning for some bicycling tomorrow!
