Student Loans
Jul. 14th, 2016 04:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stormdogMaybe it's in part because I got my Escitalopram pill late yesterday. I had a great time in Toronto at the Royal Ontario Museum, but I'd been feeling ill-at-ease since dinner after. I went to bed early, but didn't sleep. Instead, Danae and I had just started watching a movie when I noticed a voice mail. It was from my student loan servicer saying that I'll have to start making payments soon.
I feel deeply that the government, and thus we as tax-paying citizens, have an obligation to make education attainable for anyone who wants it. I also feel a paradoxically opposed feeling that I've been taking advantage of the system. I want to pay taxes and support the important things that government does; I want to contribute to society. And now I've used government subsidized loans to attain an undergrad degree and I'm not in a position to pay those loans back.
I know that I can get them deferred through income-based repayment. The issue is an emotional one. After listening to the voicemail, I felt really bad about myself for numerous reasons. I've wasted all of that money, I told myself. I failed society by not making something of the education it provided me. I cheated the system by gaming an education out of it that I don't deserve. And more. Rational responses to this don't really help. It's another example of the disconnect between rationality and emotion I have in so many areas of my life. Rationally I don't feel like I did something wrong. Emotionally I feel like a horrible person.
As she's so often done, Danae let me sob on her for a while and helped me calm down. We watched the movie while she petted my hair and comforted me, then I slept until an hour or so ago. Sleep is good, today is a new day, and there are many more to come.
I feel deeply that the government, and thus we as tax-paying citizens, have an obligation to make education attainable for anyone who wants it. I also feel a paradoxically opposed feeling that I've been taking advantage of the system. I want to pay taxes and support the important things that government does; I want to contribute to society. And now I've used government subsidized loans to attain an undergrad degree and I'm not in a position to pay those loans back.
I know that I can get them deferred through income-based repayment. The issue is an emotional one. After listening to the voicemail, I felt really bad about myself for numerous reasons. I've wasted all of that money, I told myself. I failed society by not making something of the education it provided me. I cheated the system by gaming an education out of it that I don't deserve. And more. Rational responses to this don't really help. It's another example of the disconnect between rationality and emotion I have in so many areas of my life. Rationally I don't feel like I did something wrong. Emotionally I feel like a horrible person.
As she's so often done, Danae let me sob on her for a while and helped me calm down. We watched the movie while she petted my hair and comforted me, then I slept until an hour or so ago. Sleep is good, today is a new day, and there are many more to come.
