State of the Dog
Sep. 26th, 2017 12:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stormdogOn Wednesday, HR at the place I applied had checked my references and said they'd get back to me, "most likely tomorrow", with the next steps. Yesterday, I emailed in the morning and left voice mail in the afternoon to follow up but still have not heard back. It seems I'm going to have to start a real job hunt again today. A friend had a dog-grooming position open a while back. If that's filled, I'm going to try various entry-level library things and whatever retail is around.
Yesterday was one of the more difficult days for me since coming back from New York. That makes it a difficult time to do a job search. When I look at anything that's more complicated than thoughtless retail, I find excuses to tell myself I'm completely incompetent and cannot do those things. I think if I still lived in Kenosha I'd try applying at Amazon fulfillment where I could just endlessly play gopher and be less likely to screw something up.
I know this is the anxiety and depression talking, but it has a commanding voice and I can't seem to find my earplugs.
I was having self-destructive thoughts yesterday, and was frequently on th edge of tears. I looked openly on Facebook for anybody who had time to come visit. No one was able to, though a few people responded with support and encouragement, which helped a little.
Our houseguest who left yesterday, in so many ways, lives the life I've always wanted and which doesn't seem possible. He has a well-paid job that he can do anywhere, and spends a great deal of time traveling all over the world. He's currently mostly living in a group-house in Alameda. He has sweeties and play-partners on various continents. We were talking about some overlapping difficulties we have with relationships these days. It helps to talk in-person with someone who has some of the same difficulties I do. At the same time, when, as an example of the difficulty he has forming relationships lately, he says that there have only been a couple new ones in the last year, it really doesn't help me feel better about not having any new partners for eight years or so.
I'm really not in a good headspace to try to find people to date or be play-partners with. It's a really bad idea. But I'm so frustrated sometimes that there are people for whom it is also a very bad idea and who just go out and do it anyway and have experiences I've longed for but am too I-don't-know-what to seek even though, in so many ways, I feel like I'd be a really good partner.
With any luck, I'll have a job someday that will let me talk to a therapist about these things. Someday...
I'm glad our houseguest was here 'cause he's a fantastic person, and he's a male-identified person who I feel safe expressing myself openly around thanks to his long history with Danae. (They were play-partners when she lived in the bay area.) I even had a really positive interaction wherein I expressed that, despite the trouble I have figuring out whether I'm feeling attraction or not, I felt safe and confident enough to express that I *think* I feel attraction to him. He responded with polite appreciation, and it felt like such a normal, positive interaction that it made me deeply happy.
But in so many ways just thinking about the things he's doing in his life make me feel hopeless; that there are all these things I want to do with my life and, whether through ability or opportunity, I'm just never going to be able to do them.
Yesterday was one of the more difficult days for me since coming back from New York. That makes it a difficult time to do a job search. When I look at anything that's more complicated than thoughtless retail, I find excuses to tell myself I'm completely incompetent and cannot do those things. I think if I still lived in Kenosha I'd try applying at Amazon fulfillment where I could just endlessly play gopher and be less likely to screw something up.
I know this is the anxiety and depression talking, but it has a commanding voice and I can't seem to find my earplugs.
I was having self-destructive thoughts yesterday, and was frequently on th edge of tears. I looked openly on Facebook for anybody who had time to come visit. No one was able to, though a few people responded with support and encouragement, which helped a little.
Our houseguest who left yesterday, in so many ways, lives the life I've always wanted and which doesn't seem possible. He has a well-paid job that he can do anywhere, and spends a great deal of time traveling all over the world. He's currently mostly living in a group-house in Alameda. He has sweeties and play-partners on various continents. We were talking about some overlapping difficulties we have with relationships these days. It helps to talk in-person with someone who has some of the same difficulties I do. At the same time, when, as an example of the difficulty he has forming relationships lately, he says that there have only been a couple new ones in the last year, it really doesn't help me feel better about not having any new partners for eight years or so.
I'm really not in a good headspace to try to find people to date or be play-partners with. It's a really bad idea. But I'm so frustrated sometimes that there are people for whom it is also a very bad idea and who just go out and do it anyway and have experiences I've longed for but am too I-don't-know-what to seek even though, in so many ways, I feel like I'd be a really good partner.
With any luck, I'll have a job someday that will let me talk to a therapist about these things. Someday...
I'm glad our houseguest was here 'cause he's a fantastic person, and he's a male-identified person who I feel safe expressing myself openly around thanks to his long history with Danae. (They were play-partners when she lived in the bay area.) I even had a really positive interaction wherein I expressed that, despite the trouble I have figuring out whether I'm feeling attraction or not, I felt safe and confident enough to express that I *think* I feel attraction to him. He responded with polite appreciation, and it felt like such a normal, positive interaction that it made me deeply happy.
But in so many ways just thinking about the things he's doing in his life make me feel hopeless; that there are all these things I want to do with my life and, whether through ability or opportunity, I'm just never going to be able to do them.
