(no subject)

[stormdog]

I didn't use to be like this. I could be in a place with high person-density and shouting-level conversations and be ok. I might find a spot away from the most intense activity and relax when needed and not feel anxiety and fear, and quake and grip my partner's hand tightly at peak bursts of happy yelling and laughter. I wouldn't have had to cancel my plans for a second social event that evening in favor of going home where I feel safe. I wouldn't have left early and sobbed in the car about the ways I don't like myself the way I've been since Syracuse.

It's been a lot worse and I'm making progress. Whatever is hurt in my psyche is taking a long time to heal and I hate the way it still effects my life. I don't really like going out to do things. I still feel stress about time when I think of driving or taking the train to visit people. I still do almost no pleasure-reading, except for electronics material.

Bedtime with my partner for now; tomorrow is a new day!