More Panic! Not at the Disco Though
Nov. 11th, 2022 07:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stormdogI had possibly the most severe panic attack since the fire yesterday.
I was already stressed because I went with Miriam to a doctor appointment and then drove with her to the condo to get my bike. Driving to the condo is still hard. The car was also handling weirdly that day in a way that makes checking the tires over a priority.
But when we got home and out of the car, there was a burning smell in the air. I asked Miriam if that was our car making that smell, but she didn't know. (She said later she couldn't smell it at all.) It persisted on the short walk from our parking space to our front door, my fear that it was coming from our apartment increasing all the while. My reaction to crises is typically to deal with it as it happens and have emotions about it later, so I didn't realize just how much it was terrifying me until we got inside and saw that all was well.
Miriam went further in to use the bathroom. I sat on the little bench by the front door to take my shoes off and quickly lost all ability to do anything but put my head in my hands, rock back and forth, and sob.
Miriam came back out and helped me get out of my shoes and got me to the couch. I think it took 15 or 20 minutes of crying against her while she walked me through some grounding exercises and told me we were safe and it was ok before my brain was working again, and I kept having moments of panic through the rest of the day, off and on. Even writing about it now, my breathing is a little ragged sometimes as I think about it.
I don't know how I'd get through this without Miriam. She says the same about me, so I guess we're doing things right.
Sometime later yesterday, when I next had to take the dog out, the burning smell was still in the air but it didn't incapacitate me again. I'm still not sure what it was: it was reminiscent of the smell in the air after a fireworks display, or the smell of overheated mechanical equipment with petrochemical lubrication, but I don't know. I'm glad it's gone now.
I was already stressed because I went with Miriam to a doctor appointment and then drove with her to the condo to get my bike. Driving to the condo is still hard. The car was also handling weirdly that day in a way that makes checking the tires over a priority.
But when we got home and out of the car, there was a burning smell in the air. I asked Miriam if that was our car making that smell, but she didn't know. (She said later she couldn't smell it at all.) It persisted on the short walk from our parking space to our front door, my fear that it was coming from our apartment increasing all the while. My reaction to crises is typically to deal with it as it happens and have emotions about it later, so I didn't realize just how much it was terrifying me until we got inside and saw that all was well.
Miriam went further in to use the bathroom. I sat on the little bench by the front door to take my shoes off and quickly lost all ability to do anything but put my head in my hands, rock back and forth, and sob.
Miriam came back out and helped me get out of my shoes and got me to the couch. I think it took 15 or 20 minutes of crying against her while she walked me through some grounding exercises and told me we were safe and it was ok before my brain was working again, and I kept having moments of panic through the rest of the day, off and on. Even writing about it now, my breathing is a little ragged sometimes as I think about it.
I don't know how I'd get through this without Miriam. She says the same about me, so I guess we're doing things right.
Sometime later yesterday, when I next had to take the dog out, the burning smell was still in the air but it didn't incapacitate me again. I'm still not sure what it was: it was reminiscent of the smell in the air after a fireworks display, or the smell of overheated mechanical equipment with petrochemical lubrication, but I don't know. I'm glad it's gone now.
no subject
Date: 2022-11-12 10:06 am (UTC)I'm sorry this is giving you such a hard time.
Hugs.
no subject
Date: 2022-11-12 03:24 pm (UTC)