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stormdogJuly 3rd - So Much Stuff
I'm feeling overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have stored here. It's more than I really remembered. At least some of it can go right to Goodwill. Like the *very* old Dell digital projector with a max resolution of 1024 x 768. But there's a lot. And some larger things I'd forgotten about, like my 5 or 6 foot giraffe unicycle.
The whole house is full of stuff and there's nowhere to sort anything either. But boxes for my dad's dialysis supplies are taking up a lot of room in the living room right now, and they will be gone on the fifth, so I can use that space after. I don't think I can really do much with it right now, to be honest.
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July 3rd - Trauma and Getting Rid of Things (this post included a picture of the books I'm discussing here)
You know what would be an awesome thing for people to come do with me and keep my mind busy? Helping me sort and weed books.
I just got the first box of books out of storage upstairs and I just don't want to get rid of things. It's *really hard* for me to get rid of books. I've found three that *maybe* I could donate?
Take Naked Lunch here. I started to read it once and while it's not as bad as James Joyce, I found it pretty incomprehensible in places, and what made sense was really unappealing. But it's an Important Book and its historical context is interesting and important and I feel like I should keep it because of that. I even listened to a piece on NPR once about who William S Burroughs was, why his work was important, and why it's worth reading. I listened to half of it and really gave it thought, but eventually I was just like, nope, still don't care.
The book on choosing and installing CB radios; I did have a CB radio once and I thought it was fun. Maybe I'll do it again? (Probably not though, unless I end up with an old beater car.) I can also read everything I need to know about it online. But it's *technological instruction*! Maybe I, or someone I know, will want to know how to do this! I hate to get rid of anything with practical knowledge.
The Deleuze and Guattari; the professor I went on the trip to Chiapas to visit Zapatista territory gave all of us copies of that. It's post-modern revolutionary philosophy. I didn't feel like I had the background knowledge to understand it fully, and I doubt I will do the reading necessary. But...it's academic political philosophy. I feel like this kind of thing is important and, like, maybe I'll want to read it someday or will know someone who does, or I'll be in conversation where something in it is relevant and I can refer to it.
The mass-market sci-fi paperbacks; loving sci-fi and fantasy literature is sort of a part of my core identity. It's really hard to fight that and get rid of them.
The academic urban history lit; this is stuff that I haven't read any of since Syracuse but it is something I was very actively interested in and that was relevant to what I thought my career path was going to be. I feel like maybe I really will read that some day? Maybe?
The history of Islam. I bought that because I feel like knowing more about the religion is something I ought to do, given the relevance of the faith to the modern world. I feel like it's part of being a good global citizen. Do I have spoons to be a good global citizen? Will I ever? I just don't know. Life has been so crappy.
The biography of Paul Dirac; do I care? I don't even know who that is other than from the jacket. If I do care, why?
Mercedes Lacky I'm keeping. Brightly Burning destroyed me and I will probably never read it again but it's *so* good I'm not getting rid of it. And I love her writing in general.
The Heinlein? It's classic sci-fi. I feel like reading Heinlein is part of understanding science-fiction as a whole, almost. But...I don't really want to read Heinlein, honestly. I like a few of his adult things (I read Starship Troopers 5 or 6 times because I thought the world-building was interesting) and I love his juvenilia, but most of it I'm just not really interested. But my library won't be "complete" (whatever that means) if it doesn't include his stuff.
I *treasure* the kind of work that Studs Terkel did, which is probably why I bought that book. That kind of oral history is just so critical, and he did it so well. But...do I really want to read it? Maybe I don't care that much about that history. But getting rid of Studs Terkel is really hard. Plus my grandfather really liked Studs Terkel and it reminds me of him.
So yeah. I just really suck at this and don't quite know how to do it.
ETA: Talking to Miriam about this, I started crying at the idea of giving away even the ones that I probably don't want to read, and I think it's connected to the intense fear I've been feeling lately, and maybe it's spiking again after my dad's death. If I'm not at home, something bad might happen because I'm not there to take care of it. If I give these books away, something bad might happen to them because I'm not taking care of them and it would be my fault.
I think the emotional feeling of having failed some things that were very important to me and letting them be destroyed when I should have been taking care of them is affecting me deeply in a way I didn't realize until tonight. It's so great when you find new, unexpected ways your brain is fucked up by trauma!
I'm not actually sure if friends could help me with this, to be honest. Maybe I need to talk to a therapist. Which doesn't help as I work to get my collection to a manageable size for taking to Canada and moving around with us.
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July 4th - Lisa was Here
Lisa was here today! It's hard to express how much I've missed her. Thank you so much for coming sweetie. I appreciate you so very much. *HUGS*
I've spent a lot of time today hauling books out from behind the upstairs walls and down to the living room. I did a rough count before starting and I'm guessing there are 40 - 50 boxes of books and games, not to mention all the other things that are up there like audio gear, my unicycles, my second bike, some framed art and posters, and more. So much more. I'm overwhelmed, but I'm trying to deal with this stuff one bit at a time.
And now it looks like the new/old condo may be done around the 10th, so that may put an end date onto my visit here. I don't know when we'll need to give notice at the temporary place, but we'll have a couple weeks after that to move.
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July 4th - Oh My Goddess (there was a picture of all my OMG manga in this post)
I found all my Oh My Goddess manga.
My introduction to Oh My Goddess was when I was probably in my teens I think. I saw the first few episodes of the 5-episode OAV. I wouldn't be nearly as enthralled by it now; I would not identify nearly so much with Keiichi, the main character and his particular form of loneliness. I also would be...hesitant about the premise; he accidentally calls the goddess help line and, thinking their offer of help is a joke, says what he wants is a goddess like the one he is talking to to come live with him. So, by nature of her job and her contract, she does. There are some consent problems there.
But I do still have a soft spot for the series. I had a major crush on Belldandy, the goddess who answers the call, at first. Now, I think I'd actually be better suited to her sister Urd, and it would likely be a fun, casual relationship instead of the serious romantic one that seems to be developing (very, very slowly) between Keiichi and Belldandy. I have volumes 1 - 37 and I can't remember for sure but I think they have kissed, like once? Maybe?
But the series ran from 1989 until it finally ended in 2014 with the 48th volume, and though I feel like I've heard a lot of people hated the ending, I do want to have the rest of them and finally read it all!
After the first 20 volumes, I think the US publishing rights switched to a different company, which is why the later ones are a different size and form. The first 20 didn't keep the Japanese right-to-left order, which can interfere with certain kinds of visual humor or narrative. I think they reprinted the first 20 in the same format too, but I don't *really* need to own them. But I do also own the OAV, the movie based on the series, and a large sort of encyclopedic fan book for the series. I really did have a major crush on Belldandy for a long time.
In the bottom right corner of this picture is a volume of InuBaka, about a girl who really loves dogs and seems to have an almost supernatural connection with them, who works in a dog shop. It's all about her, and the customers, and their dogs. The reasons I own some of that one are probably evident to those who know me. *grins*
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July 4th - Posi was here!
There's so much going on. I should say too that Posi came to visit yesterday as well. He brought me food from the The Spot, the legendary local drive in, and hung out with me and my family for a lot of the day. His presence, care, and help was a blessing too. Thank you Posi; I've missed you so much, and I already miss you again.
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July 5th - Picture of Me Juggling in High School
Recognize anybody here?
I'm the second person in line juggling clubs. This was one of the Christmas season madrigal dinners when I was in high school!
The school let me juggle lit torches too (and pass them with another juggler) but, reasonably, only outside the building.
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July 6th - Erik Helped a Lot
Erik was a godsend for me today. He somehow managed to be gentle and reassuring and firm at the same time as I worked on letting go of possessions I no longer need. There were several times I was hit by feelings while sorting and ended up holding him and sobbing against him. He held me in return and let me feel, and then we got back to it. I was having a really hard time with books in particular, and he came up with the idea of taking a photograph of each of the books so I could remember what I had. I don't know exactly why, but that made a huge difference for me. He also brought up a pop-up canopy to put in the backyard and sort under so we could work outdoors where there was space, we didn't have to mask, and we had shade. When he finally had to leave he left the canopy for me to use with other folks who may come by to help, and got it set up and tied down over the sorted boxes so they could safely stay outside through the gentle rains tonight. My brother Tim was outside with us, keeping us company, for a bit and at one point I commented "If you want to get shit done, Erik is your guy." He's an awesome boyfriend and I miss him so much.
Once he was gone, my mother and housemate Alex helped me get the rest of the boxes and audio gear out from under the northern eaves; that side of the house is completely empty! I brought a small portion of the boxes downstairs and my mother and Miriam (via Zoom) kept me company as I sorted more stuff, mostly books. Erik's thoughts and suggestions about the books helped me tremendously in being able to deal with more of them on my own. I also think having this stuff to do is really helping us keep our minds busy and keep from dwelling on my dad.
I feel good knowing that not only books, but a few interesting tech things are going to find a good home via American Science and Surplus where he works. I've wanted for years and years to build a bigger jacob's ladder with my 15,000 volt neon sign transformer that I *cough cough* borrowed from the Palace Theatre in Gary, Indiana, (to be fair, they've never asked for it back!) but I guess it just wasn't to be. Erik says they may well build it into one at the store, and if they do he'll send me pictures. That would make me really happy.
I'm still thinking about options for shipping or transporting the stuff I'm keeping. Some phone calls tomorrow will hopefully help sort that out.
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July 6th - Getting Rid of Piers Anthony (This post included a picture of about 20 Xanth paperbacks stacked up on a table. There was interesting discussion about how awful some of Anthony's work is with some friends too.)
Yes, I had an entire box of Piers Anthony mass market paperbacks. Xanth were some of the first novels I read when I was a kid, growing up. I was going to say "I regret nothing" as a joke, but I realize that I do, in fact, regret the idealized model of the primacy of romantic relationships in life that I kind of internalized from reading them. The idea of having a single soul mate who we will endure any kind of hardship for is, frankly, toxic in my opinion. It led to me making bad relationship decisions with my ex and staying with her far longer than I should have.
I read some of them, especially the first ten or so, repeatedly in my early teens, I guess. Or maybe even as a pre-teen. I'd still call Xanth a guilty pleasure, but I wonder if I'd find that it's been visited by the suck fairy if I tried to read it again. I'm not keeping most of my Piers Anthony, I think, but I'm keeping Xanth for now. I have too many childhood memories of reading them as a shy, lonely girl and wishing I could live in some fantastic world.
ETA: given Lisa's comments below and having just gone and read reviews of A Spell for Chameleon on Goodreads...it may just be time to let these go.
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July 6th - Books for Train Girl (included a picture of several books about trains and telephones)
[Train Girl]; some of my books make me think of you. I probably have more train books somewhere, but I've found these so far. Don't *think* I have more books about telephone stuff, but maybe...
She said: "R bring home plz yus do? *drools*" (she's usually much more eloquent than that, just to be clear. *laughs*)
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July 6th - Feminist Urban Labor History (included a picture of Nan Enstad's "Ladies of Labor, Girls of Adventure; Working Women, Popular Culture, and Labor Politics at the Turn of the Twentieth Century")
I'm going to let a lot of my history collection find a new home, but I'm keeping this one and may read it again. It's my favorite book I read in my undergrad history classes and it's *so good*! Feminist urban labor and social history around 1900, looking at how fashion and movies were part of women finding agency and independence in new ways. It's so good! If this is your kind of thing, you should read it!
