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Feb. 8th, 2003 01:50 amIt was a strange night at the theatre tonight. I had some trouble composing myself before going onstage. I've been having the weirdest set of feelings lately. I was feeling kinda worried and lonely, and (wonder of wonders) had even more tech problems to fix before the show. I was up in the booth having taken care of the sound issue and being stressed out. I got up to leave to go backstage. I gave my brother a hug as a precursor to heading backstage, and suddenly I was on the verge of breaking into tears. Things seem to have so much more significance to me lately. It's so strange, I've never been like that before. It's amazingly unlike me. I guess it's having all these relationships of a sort I never have before. Even three months ago I couldn't have imagined just walking up to my brother and hugging him, or just leaning on him.... I don't really mind the change.
It was tough waiting for the show to start. I really didn't feel like trying to deal with many people, so I asked the stage manager to come get me at 5 to curtain and I went and sat in one of the disused dressing rooms. I spent a while getting my thoughts in order and ended up doing something very strange. After spending a while with various thoughts and feelings racing around my head, I just sort of gathered them all up, squished them together into a small chunk of my psyche, and locked them up 'till later. I didn't realize I could quite do that consciously. I think I did it a lot while I was in school. It was all still there, and I was aware of it, but it didn't affect me. Maybe that's what professional actors do. I don't really know. I do know I didn't like it. It felt, kinda wrong, somehow, as if I might lock some of those feelings up and never get them back. I feel like part of it is still stuck there somewhere... Bleh, I'll be glad when this play is over. It really takes a lot out of me.
We watched a video of the play at the cast party afterward, edited with amusing captions and sound effects. It was, well, amusing. I still feel bad that I don't even know half of the cast's names, but I'm used to that by this point in my life. At least I can tell most of them apart. Most of the time. Well, I'm off to bed. I'm a tired doggy.
It was tough waiting for the show to start. I really didn't feel like trying to deal with many people, so I asked the stage manager to come get me at 5 to curtain and I went and sat in one of the disused dressing rooms. I spent a while getting my thoughts in order and ended up doing something very strange. After spending a while with various thoughts and feelings racing around my head, I just sort of gathered them all up, squished them together into a small chunk of my psyche, and locked them up 'till later. I didn't realize I could quite do that consciously. I think I did it a lot while I was in school. It was all still there, and I was aware of it, but it didn't affect me. Maybe that's what professional actors do. I don't really know. I do know I didn't like it. It felt, kinda wrong, somehow, as if I might lock some of those feelings up and never get them back. I feel like part of it is still stuck there somewhere... Bleh, I'll be glad when this play is over. It really takes a lot out of me.
We watched a video of the play at the cast party afterward, edited with amusing captions and sound effects. It was, well, amusing. I still feel bad that I don't even know half of the cast's names, but I'm used to that by this point in my life. At least I can tell most of them apart. Most of the time. Well, I'm off to bed. I'm a tired doggy.
