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Jan. 14th, 2016 04:32 pmPerhaps when I listen to minimalist spoken-word pieces I am at risk of the horoscope effect; seeing elements of my life echoed so strongly as to feel like some kind of prophecy. Playing the first record of "United States Live" earlier, I heard Laurie Anderson ask a gas station clerk, in the polite, measured tone she adopts in so many recordings:
Another -- one of many -- ways I look at fortune cookie messages, runecastings, or the loosely-organized concepts connected by writers of some poems, songs, and performance art, are as blank canvases to paint with my subconscious; mental automatic writing. A focus for pulling together the things dancing around various parts of my brain.
I'm back in New York. I feel less secure making statements about my metaphorical location though, and I don't have a handy clerk to request advice from. I've been on this road before. I can read the signs. Do I want to go home now?
My goal for today is to write the email to my advisor that I've been putting off for over a week. The email saying that I'm still having a lot of trouble dealing with commitments and anxiety. That I haven't done nearly as much work over the break as I was supposed to. That I'm not sure if I'm going to complete this semester. I will reward myself with having done so by buying a game that Danae and I spent a lot of time playing together the night before I left. I haven't been able to sustain interest in most diversions lately; I get anxious. It may be that without my partner to share this one with, the same will happen. Or it might be a dangerous time-suck; things that make me feel at ease are more than a little seductive given in my mental state. It could function as a reward for accomplishing tasks if I can trust myself with it.
Regardless, I'm back in Syracuse. I'm terrified of looking at my school email because I haven't for most of a week. Emailing my professor is my current goal.
---
I've been away from here for a good while. Sorry for being out touch. I wanted to write about what's been going on, and I didn't know what to say, and some aspects of social media are making me anxious. But being away makes me anxious too. I miss being here, and will try to be more present.
"Hello. Excuse me; can you tell me where I am?"
"You can read the signs. You've been on this road before. Do you want to go home?"
"Do you want to go home now?"
"Hello. Excuse me; can you tell me where I am?"
Another -- one of many -- ways I look at fortune cookie messages, runecastings, or the loosely-organized concepts connected by writers of some poems, songs, and performance art, are as blank canvases to paint with my subconscious; mental automatic writing. A focus for pulling together the things dancing around various parts of my brain.
I'm back in New York. I feel less secure making statements about my metaphorical location though, and I don't have a handy clerk to request advice from. I've been on this road before. I can read the signs. Do I want to go home now?
My goal for today is to write the email to my advisor that I've been putting off for over a week. The email saying that I'm still having a lot of trouble dealing with commitments and anxiety. That I haven't done nearly as much work over the break as I was supposed to. That I'm not sure if I'm going to complete this semester. I will reward myself with having done so by buying a game that Danae and I spent a lot of time playing together the night before I left. I haven't been able to sustain interest in most diversions lately; I get anxious. It may be that without my partner to share this one with, the same will happen. Or it might be a dangerous time-suck; things that make me feel at ease are more than a little seductive given in my mental state. It could function as a reward for accomplishing tasks if I can trust myself with it.
Regardless, I'm back in Syracuse. I'm terrified of looking at my school email because I haven't for most of a week. Emailing my professor is my current goal.
---
I've been away from here for a good while. Sorry for being out touch. I wanted to write about what's been going on, and I didn't know what to say, and some aspects of social media are making me anxious. But being away makes me anxious too. I miss being here, and will try to be more present.
