(no subject)

I'm having a day where I want to take a whole escitalopram pill instead of a half one in the hope that it will make me feel better. I won't, both because that's a bad idea generally and because the changed dosage wouldn't work that quickly anyway, but the temptation is there. I guess it helps me understand why people sometimes overdose on anti-depressants not because they're suicidal, but because they just want to feel better. Not that I'm suicidal or anything; I'm not feeling anywhere near that bad. Just tired and down.

The weather is warmer today. I've been planning to go out for a ride, but now that noon is here, when I told myself I would go out after taking my meds, I don't have energy and motivation. So little energy.... I just want to lie down and nap. And eat chocolate.

And hey, I'm up twenty pounds from my lightest weight before Syracuse. So probably won't be eating that chocolate. Hopefully.

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Or if I don't eat any regular food today, I can eat the chocolate instead. 'Cause that's healthy, right?

(no subject)

I think my mood today comes from a major failure to process stressful or depressing stimuli right now. When life is on an even keel I'm doing ok, but when things happen that would have been minor sources of negative thoughts when I was in better mental health, I do a pretty poor job at dealing with them.

I went to the open house memorial event for my great uncle. I had a nice time and got to talk with my great aunt and other family members. I told her how great it was to learn that he had unicycled and how both that and playing a guitar make me think of him. But I'm also feeling sad that he seems like he was a much more interesting person than I realized and that I won't have the chance to talk to him now. I saw my grandmother too, and she's looking so old and frail. I went to Kenosha for the evening with my dad and have been reminded of the deteriorating health of my parents. My dad fell out of a chair and I almost thought he'd need help getting up again. He also told me that a long-time family friend had had a heart attack recently that he hadn't known about until some time after the fact, and he is now getting a pacemaker. So much in one day that all made me think of the shortness of life.

Danae and I were communicating poorly about Fable II last night. I've been overly critical of the game in the past, despite the fact that it makes me really happy to see her playing a game rather than just watching me play. When I got back she'd just finished the main storyline and, though I meant to ask whether she'd enjoyed the game and what she thought of it, I wasn't thinking or speaking so clearly and it came out in a way that could have been interpreted as critical of the game. We've both been pretty stressed and anxious lately and she took it negatively and felt attacked. We've talked about it and worked out the miscommunication. Still, it's so rare that that happens with us, and I was so frequently scared of my ex being mad at me for long periods of time for nebulous reasons, making me feel like there was nothing I could do to make things better, that in my current state of mind it's difficult to not angst over things like that.

I think I'll go back to lying on the couch for a while and see if the kitty will come over for petting. I just need to get back on that even keel again.