(no subject)

A few things from yesterday have me feeling pretty decent this morning. Here's one of them.

On the way to work yesteday, I hit a big pothole (that I know is there but somehow still hit anyway) and the rear wheel of my bike started making a quiet but distressing metallic scraping noise. I looked at it for a bit, wiggling the brake's cooling disk, spinning the wheel, wiggling things to see if the axle was loose or bent, but couldn't figure it out. I rode the rest of the way to work, and to Evanston after work, hoping that the noise would stop. Of course it didn't.

It gave me a distressing sinking feeling. Maybe I'm too heavy for *this* bike too. Maybe I'll be stuck riding the train until my new wheel for my other bike arrives, and I'll have to give up the exercise and eating patterns that have made me feel so good this week. And tonight, I'd have to use up my evening bringing the bike in and taking things apart to find the problem, and who knows if I'll get anywhere. Maybe I'll have to go to the bike shop on the way home tomorrow, but that's the day that I go to the shelter and I might be late, and the damage might get worse if I ride it too. I was sad and resigned.

In Evanston, I rode past one of the bike shops I always go by, Every Day Cycles and Motion, and gave it a closer look than I had before. A sign in its window declared it to be woman-owned. Being woman-owned is one of the reasons I always try to go to Uptown Bikes, so I thought I'd try EC+M too. I asked whether the woman working on a bike in the back had just a minute to help me figure out what the problem was. It turned out she was the owner, Liz. I held the bike while she looked at it and she swiftly found that the end of the brake cable was scraping along the cooling disk. It just needed to be re-routed back to where it was supposed to be. I don't know how I failed to find that when I was looking and I'm sure I would have when I got home and started taking things apart, but my sense of relief when she found that it was something that simple was palpable.

And now I know a woman-owned bike shop in Evanston, Everyday Cycles and Motion, close enough to walk to!

(no subject)

Another good thing!

Danae and I have tried to make a habit of going out to LRA, the play-space in Chicago we are members of, Friday or Saturday nights. I have weird conflicted feelings about it though.

On weeks that I think about going, if I ask her about going and she isn't excited about it, I get kind of discouraged and don't feel excited about it either and we sometimes stay home. On weeks where I forget about it and she asks *me* if I want to go, I respond with a pang of irrational fear; like my time is being taken away from me without my permission. In those circumstances, I often decide I don't want to go and we sometimes stay home. This doesn't make much sense, but I accept that my brain is broken in some ways.

Talking with my therapist, I realized that I need to feel more of a sense of agency and control. I need to make the decision about me alone instead of being contingent on my partner. I will decide to go out. It's my choice and my time. If she comes with, that will be great because I love her company! If not, then maybe I'll hang out awkwardly for ten minutes and then go home, but I'll have at least gone out and that's an accomplishment.

I fear that people will think poorly of me for going somewhere and being awkward and leaving, but I don't know why they would. I tried to articulate what I was worried about to my therapist but failed. I don't think I know. And they said that this is an ok thing for me to do as part of overcoming social anxiety. I guess I need for people to tell me things are ok sometimes to feel like I can do them without being...I don't know. Whatever I worry about being.

So I'm going to choose to exert agency in my life and will go out this weekend. I feel really good about that.

(no subject)

I am planning to visit the Lincoln Park Zoo this weekend. Another expression of agency in using time I have to do something that I know I will be happy if I do but never seem to find the motivation for. I am committing to going on Sunday morning for opening, bringing my Pentax, my tripod, and my big telephoto lens by bike (or by car if Danae comes with). I'll hang out in a mellow, relaxing kind of way, photographing the aminals in whatever order and time frame is pleasant.

Being in Colorado reminds me of how much I love being outside and walking around. I'd love to go to Starved Rock for some hiking, but the time in driving there and back is so off-putting. The zoo is a good start. And it's free!

(no subject)

And lastly, I found out just a few minutes ago that a coworker who is significantly visually impaired and uses a cane was subject to an attempted robbery in a CTA elevator last night. That's really damned low.

I do not know details, but apparently said co-worker responded with "rage" and the robbery was not successful. I hope he broke the guy's nose or something. He hasn't been able to sleep though and may not come in today. I can understand that.