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Aug. 23rd, 2018 08:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stormdogAnother good thing!
Danae and I have tried to make a habit of going out to LRA, the play-space in Chicago we are members of, Friday or Saturday nights. I have weird conflicted feelings about it though.
On weeks that I think about going, if I ask her about going and she isn't excited about it, I get kind of discouraged and don't feel excited about it either and we sometimes stay home. On weeks where I forget about it and she asks *me* if I want to go, I respond with a pang of irrational fear; like my time is being taken away from me without my permission. In those circumstances, I often decide I don't want to go and we sometimes stay home. This doesn't make much sense, but I accept that my brain is broken in some ways.
Talking with my therapist, I realized that I need to feel more of a sense of agency and control. I need to make the decision about me alone instead of being contingent on my partner. I will decide to go out. It's my choice and my time. If she comes with, that will be great because I love her company! If not, then maybe I'll hang out awkwardly for ten minutes and then go home, but I'll have at least gone out and that's an accomplishment.
I fear that people will think poorly of me for going somewhere and being awkward and leaving, but I don't know why they would. I tried to articulate what I was worried about to my therapist but failed. I don't think I know. And they said that this is an ok thing for me to do as part of overcoming social anxiety. I guess I need for people to tell me things are ok sometimes to feel like I can do them without being...I don't know. Whatever I worry about being.
So I'm going to choose to exert agency in my life and will go out this weekend. I feel really good about that.
Danae and I have tried to make a habit of going out to LRA, the play-space in Chicago we are members of, Friday or Saturday nights. I have weird conflicted feelings about it though.
On weeks that I think about going, if I ask her about going and she isn't excited about it, I get kind of discouraged and don't feel excited about it either and we sometimes stay home. On weeks where I forget about it and she asks *me* if I want to go, I respond with a pang of irrational fear; like my time is being taken away from me without my permission. In those circumstances, I often decide I don't want to go and we sometimes stay home. This doesn't make much sense, but I accept that my brain is broken in some ways.
Talking with my therapist, I realized that I need to feel more of a sense of agency and control. I need to make the decision about me alone instead of being contingent on my partner. I will decide to go out. It's my choice and my time. If she comes with, that will be great because I love her company! If not, then maybe I'll hang out awkwardly for ten minutes and then go home, but I'll have at least gone out and that's an accomplishment.
I fear that people will think poorly of me for going somewhere and being awkward and leaving, but I don't know why they would. I tried to articulate what I was worried about to my therapist but failed. I don't think I know. And they said that this is an ok thing for me to do as part of overcoming social anxiety. I guess I need for people to tell me things are ok sometimes to feel like I can do them without being...I don't know. Whatever I worry about being.
So I'm going to choose to exert agency in my life and will go out this weekend. I feel really good about that.
