Stuff

I looked at 538's predictions on the upcoming US midterm for the first time yesterday, and the result is not helping with my depression.

I'm near-completely inactive these days, especially this past week or so. Even when I'm not sleeping, which is a lot of the time, I kind of wish that I was? I spend a lot of the time I'm awake pointlessly scrolling through social media updates because...I dunno. At least there's other people?

I've tried to play some computer games, but the decision-making is too much for me a lot of the time. Several times, I've made it to the title screen of Oxygen Not Included, then just kind of panicked and closed it. I am still enjoying Stardew Valley with Miriam in the evenings. Though I sometimes get a little overwhelmed by decision-making there too, snuggling on the couch and discussing what to do with her gets me past those moments.

Before the fire, I'd started regularly taking little one hour bike trips, and they were really good for me. I'm probably going to buy an indoor trainer to use my bike with today. I'm worried I won't be motivated enough to use it and will have wasted money on myself, but maybe I can think of some kind of self-reward system that will get me to do it.

One thing I'm really looking forward to is the arrival of some shoes that I ordered from Torrid. At present, I'm still wearing either the sandals that survived the fire (and whose straps have broken and been repaired with twist-ties multiple times), or the worn-out low-top leather shoes I thrifted to have something close-toed for salvaging stuff from the burned-out condo.

Assuming they fit, I'll not only have shoes in decent shape, but they'll be cute too!

I hope they fit.

New Shoes!

The shoes I ordered arrived today, and they just make me so happy.

It's hard to explain how good gender affirmation feels. Cute boots with heels and faux-fur trim arrived, and I tried them on, and suddenly I was feeling better than I have since deciding not to go to that movie night. A new top arrived with them, and when I looked in the mirror wearing it I realized that my facial hair is looking pretty patchy after the laser, and that adds to my happiness too. I showered and shaved for the first time in a while, and I actually kind of want to go somewhere (where, I have no idea) now.

I dunno. Maybe if my brain was working better I could be more eloquent. It just feels so good to have these things that, for so long, I didn't know I could have had, or even understand that I wanted.

Gender affirmation is a hell of a drug.